# Episode 015 with Jordanne Crane

- Episode: 0015
- Date: 2019-12-25
- Duration: 1:12:01 (4321s)
- Guest: [Jordanne Crane](/guests/jordanne-crane/)
- YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4FH2DMxo2U
- RSS: https://share.transistor.fm/s/ee092acf
- Audio: https://2.gum.fm/op3.dev/e/pdcn.co/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/pdst.fm/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/media.transistor.fm/ee092acf/bbf6c071.mp3

## About

I find myself feeling massively heavy with gratitude to share this conversation.

A great storyteller braves ridicule and pain in the present to re-visit a severe moment in their past to become the veil between error and learning for the future well-being of others.

Jordanne showed up to my studio as her typical self  - a fantastic communicator, witty conversationalist, coherent listener, brave storyteller and an absolute joy to be around.

She shines a bright light on her mistakes and shares her truths with whatever rawness comes with them.

In this episode - Jordanne tells us about her search for rock bottom and what she found while there.

We talk about her instant side effects to the birth control implant, her Penicillin allergy, suffering through C-Diff 4 times, a failed fecal transplant, rehabilitation and Motel 6.

She tells us about the drinking, the in-and-out of hospital and fights with sobriety and relapse, sex trafficking and more Motel 6.

Jordanne bravely opens up about rape, the meaning attached to sex, an unfortunate disconnect from the body, suicidal thoughts, visits to the ICU and mental health facilities.

She shares her experience with homelessness, alcohol withdrawals, religion, healing, and light.

I am grateful Jordanne is here to share her survivor story, and I am absolutely honored she was comfortable enough to share it with me and our listeners.

Jordanne is a beautiful and courageous type of warrior.

I'm happy to see her clean, sober and so full of life.

Enjoy the episode and take care of yourself, listener - you are not your thoughts!

## Chapters

(none published in episode notes)

## Quotes

(none published — inventory has_quotes=no)

## Guest links

(none published in episode notes)


## Archive picks

# Archive picks (not from published notes)

Extracted from the YouTube auto-caption transcript and published About already on this episode. Labeled separately from Jacob’s published About / Chapters / Quotes / Hashtags.

## Memorable quotes

- [00:17:25] Jordanne: “This around like a rock bottom for you would think it would be right so okay I am I'm going to the hospital at this point like once”
- [00:00:56] Jordanne: “mentioned the word C-Diff and it's funny because I was like oh yeah it's just a little joke between shading knife because she's a nurse and so I”
- [00:27:32] Jordanne: “straight to a motel Motel 6 is kind of where I go and you can always find easy people out of Motel 6 and I don't go there”
- [00:05:08] Jordanne: “me antibiotics with Penicillin in them and I said I'm allergic to Penicillin they're like it only affects one in like a hundred people I'm like I'm always”
- [00:08:09] Jordanne: “point and I went into rehab so yeah okay and”
- [00:04:14] Jordanne: “so people go to the hospital and”
- [00:13:43] Jordanne: “they didn't need to be sober to live there so when I got there I knew she had smoked a bit but when I got to the apartment”
- [00:31:03] Jordanne: “Homeless man's tent and I think you can”
- [00:54:53] Jordanne: “of the situation so religion when it comes to like spirituality religion everyone's so uncomfortable about it like I have a friend who he's like a wonderful human”
- [00:56:22] Jordanne: “right and just about healing and things like that and so she comes and she prays for me a week later she texts me and says I've been”
- [00:14:52] Jordanne: “Any sexual form was rape and I was 15 and so it was just nuts like I got through it and then I was raped again in college”
- [00:16:14] Jacob: “Suggested this sex-trafficking form of work and I was like I don't know but coming from my standpoint not feeling like a human sex is something to be”

## Chapter-style timestamps

- [00:00:00](#t-00-00-00) — Opening — Junkyard Love / Jordanne Crane
- [00:00:56](#t-00-00-56) — C-Diff / how Jordanne reached out
- [00:05:08](#t-00-05-08) — Birth control implant / medical cascade
- [00:10:49](#t-00-10-49) — Rehab / Motel 6 / drinking
- [00:16:14](#t-00-16-14) — Sex trafficking / Motel 6 continued
- [00:20:15](#t-00-20-15) — In-and-out of hospital / sobriety & relapse
- [00:31:52](#t-00-31-52) — Rape / meaning attached to sex / body disconnect
- [00:46:07](#t-00-46-07) — Homelessness / alcohol withdrawals
- [00:48:17](#t-00-48-17) — ICU / mental health facilities / suicidal thoughts
- [00:54:53](#t-00-54-53) — Religion / healing / light
- [01:05:10](#t-01-05-10) — Clean, sober, full of life / survivor story
- [01:11:45](#t-01-11-45) — Close — things can get better / be brave
- [01:11:53](#t-01-11-53) — Outro — be brave / Junkyard Love out

## Keywords

Jordanne Crane, Episode 015 with Jordanne Crane, Junkyard Love Podcast episode 0015, JYLP 0015, rock bottom, C-Diff, birth control implant, Penicillin allergy, fecal transplant, rehabilitation, Motel 6, sobriety, relapse, sex trafficking, rape, homelessness, alcohol withdrawals, religion, healing, survivor story, Jacob Rhines

## Hashtags

#JordanneCrane #JYLP0015 #JunkyardLove #SurvivorStory #Sobriety #CDiff #Healing #MentalHealth #JYLP #BeBrave

## Short guest bio (from episode speech + published About/links)

Jordanne Crane appears on Junkyard Love episode 0015 as a brave storyteller and survivor. She shares her search for rock bottom and what she found there — including side effects from a birth control implant, Penicillin allergy, C-Diff (four times), a failed fecal transplant, rehab and Motel 6, drinking and hospital cycles, sobriety and relapse, sex trafficking, rape and body disconnect, ICU and mental-health facilities, homelessness, alcohol withdrawals, religion, healing, and light. Inventory has_quotes=no / has_timestamps=no / has_hashtags=no / has_guest_links=no. Guest slug jordanne-crane NEW. No guest contact/email.


## Transcript

[00:00:00] Jacob: I think that we are in my friend Jordanne crane what is it up it is so I'm happy to have you here we haven't caught up for quite a while but we just got like a quick obviously you know what I have a ton time we'll get a quick rundown of each other's lives some crazy stuff has happened to you and I mean I just want to start it out with again saying I'm glad you're here at the podcast but I'm glad you're here with us to talk about this and you know what we're gonna go into is what you've been going through as you know your life recently but at the same time you know you're more than just that too so there's other things that you want to talk about and just hang out and dip into I would love to talk about them so Jordanne Crane you message me I had a couple episodes of the podcast and you kinda like know the positivity stuff that I do you reached out to me a few weeks ago and we had a couple interactions back and forth you had actually commented about in my first

[00:00:56] Jordanne: Description I mentioned the word C-Diff and it's funny because I was like oh yeah it's just a little joke between shading knife because she's a nurse and so I hear about Thornton House about C-Diff and you're like well I actually had it and it's a pretty serious thing and I was like okay and then we talked back and forth but so I just got the lowdown if you don't mind giving the

[00:01:16] Jacob: Listeners a little bit of lowdown what's

[00:01:19] Jordanne: Been like going on with you what's your

[00:01:22] Jacob: Life okay so like well I'm gonna

[00:01:25] Jordanne: Celebrate nine months clean from alcohol on the 18th which is in a couple days which is great congratulations wonderful Hugh I'm really close with my family

[00:01:32] Jacob: Right now which is wonderful

[00:01:34] Jordanne: Um I just came from my mom's telling about I remember her from high school so

[00:01:38] Jacob: Cool your family would love to hear that but um and you know I'm just really

[00:01:43] Jordanne: Trying to get back on track um I had a rough patch this Edythe situation was intense it's hilarious that it's a joke because it honestly is so disgusting but it is something that I went through and it's something that I can talk about because I'm actually really comfortable with nurses now and doctors and my family because my colon was talked about for about four years

[00:02:04] Jacob: Yeah it's all on the table at that point

[00:02:05] Jordanne: Yeah it really is there's if I had to get a fecal transplant because of the C-Diff and my and my dad say that I got it from Brown University because he gets donated from a college but it's so mean oh it's so terrible like I just can't get away from it but um I'm much better now like everything's healed there is a chance I could get it again but the doctors are really careful if I get sick or something they just get there really I have to tell them what's going on and they say okay we're just gonna go a different round of antibiotics or something that's easier to do on your system because it just eats your stomach like yeah I can imagine so back up I guess let's just for anybody who doesn't know what is C-Diff let's talk about the realms around it and make sure we get a good picture of what like it like we'll talk about how you got it but what is it um so it's basically when you can get it

[00:02:56] Jacob: From a couple different things but when you contract it's you are given antibiotics and it takes out all the good bacteria in your stomach and replaces it with bad and so it's a growth in your stomach basically that it's an infection and it's really painful for people our age but babies or children and then older people can die why is it more uncut why is it more painful for our age I'm honestly not sure like they I didn't care for that

[00:03:24] Jordanne: Part but um it was excruciating for me like I couldn't move but I know that it's not that painful for other people so is it does it's pain in your stomach obviously there's much other things you're going through but like was so its stomach related pains where you feel it yeah like the first time I got it I was in Mobile like my stomach yeah it was just it feels like your stomach is eating itself it's burning and cramping and if you can't alleviate it you know normally you can I call go to the bathroom or I'll stretch her maybe I'll fart or whatever you know but also there's a complete loss of blood you lose a lot of blood that's how I knew I had it okay for about a month I was just eating broth like I was I couldn't eat food and I was working a lot so I was just like I'm just too busy to eat I want to drink while I eat no so you were just kind of pushing it to the side yeah not a big deal and then I went I was at working I went to the bathroom and the toilet was full blood powerful yeah and

[00:04:14] Jordanne: So I freaked out I went to the doctor and my stomach at that point was hurting really badly and they did all these tests like they could not figure out what it was and then the doctor came he touched the bed and I was like please don't touch the bed oh geez and he's like you know I think I know what this is like and he did the seat of test and I had C-Diff like full-blown it was it had not been caught for a while really bad okay so it was from antibiotics is what starts it or is it I got it you can't get it from anybody I did get it from antibiotics but you can also get it from feces so people go to the hospital and

[00:04:49] Jacob: They don't wash their hands that well so it's contracted a lot at the hospitals but it's also something that's going around schools right now because they're not using bleach anymore in the schools they're using like you know easy for the environment you know killing everything yeah so people aren't watching their hands well enough and they're getting it from the faucets and stuff like that oh

[00:05:08] Jordanne: Well yeah so but I got it because I got the birth control implant they put it on my Harmon then it got infected and they gave me antibiotics with Penicillin in them and I said I'm allergic to Penicillin they're like it only affects one in like a hundred people I'm like I'm always that person don't do it they gave it to me oh no come back with an allergic reaction they gave me another round of antibiotics I guess you did yeah you poor thing that's so awful okay so you had the I forget the name of it what was the name the one that goes in your arm is it oh yeah okay so it goes in there was it like weeks before you started feeling no the minute they put it in I said that it doesn't feel right and they're like oh so your body's just like no yeah and they were like oh no It's fine it you know it's something foreign and your arms gonna feel like that and so they taped it up I went to work and I just was like an optometrist assistant I lifted a chair to move it to the other side of the room and it tore open and so it started

[00:06:05] Jordanne: Bleeding and I went in there like oh yeah that's infected I was like didn't I say hurt yeah it just went down that path and now I mean in this was like years of so this was a whole process of dealing with this because you kept counting it - yeah so would you would get healed like you're feeling better and then it would be it would come back or do it takes a long time to feel better like I soup and broth and things that were easy for my stomach for a really long time it's also super contagious so I couldn't work so um you're in the hospital a lot too because I couldn't keep food down and I also was drink at the time so I was really sick a lot and so they would keep me in the hospital for a long time I always had to be near toilet like and one that I could use personally because it's really contagious so you can imagine like trying to improve your life and like

[00:06:53] Jacob: Trying to just like live a regular life without just you know like you can't even have a whole sentence without probably thinking about the sort of stuff right at all times I can imagine I mean cuz me I just know I've dealt with like you know silly stomach pain whatever or like eating bad food and not admitting that it's a bad food or whatever but man that sounds terrible so the drinking was it was it really correlated with that or that's just like that compounded you know honestly I

[00:07:19] Jordanne: Drank in high school and stuff too but it really started bad I mean I wasn't always I was never a good drinker I would I got a DUI once when I was like 19 i always broke something like a toe or a concussion you know what I mean like I was never the cool person but still I started drinking everyday once I

[00:07:36] Jacob: Had nothing to do every day like I was sitting at horse you know and I was miserable and I couldn't go out I couldn't ski my friends most of them had kids at that point I can't be around babies I can't be around people so it was just you got to do i sat at home and drink all the time and I just kind of like I started nannying for my

[00:07:54] Jordanne: Parents actually for a minute when I

[00:07:57] Jacob: Wasn't contagious because I wasn't like I couldn't go straight back to work you know and that was good for a while that kind of started meeting getting out of my shell but I don't know I just wasn't

[00:08:09] Jordanne: Happy and so I just kind of kept drinking I tried a relationship for a minute and that kind of blew up and that was kind of when I had my parents that actually sat me down and said listen this is not okay right about the drinking yeah okay so at that point pretty much everything was okay with my seat if this was like 2016 and so I think I was done with CF at that point and I went into rehab so yeah okay and

[00:08:35] Jacob: So I mean you're doing better now but you had some turmoil that happened in between that you had mentioned before like what so your parents did they gave you no tough love like we what was that situation was that obviously a difficult conversation that you guys had to have no it's terrible you know and they had to watch me just completely like I wasn't even a person anymore I mean hey it was so bad like I was just

[00:08:59] Jordanne: Sick all the time and I was up at weird hours and I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything after that relationship ended there was a period where I didn't really leave my room much like except for to drink like it was just crazy and there was a kid in the house it wasn't cool like I was needing to do something else they told me and I knew and so they said several times they were gonna do it and then finally they were like this is crazy we're doing it so yeah that's a terrible position for all of you to be in and I feel terrible for what I put them through like but I mean that's just the start of it unfortunately that wasn't the only thing that happened so I went to the rehab at Kaiser in Clackamas there's they have a little one in Kaiser Permanente and I had my dad's insurance then so and I thought this will be great I'll figure it out I'll know how to drink when I get out yeah figure out my drinking yeah like I'll meet some people along the way like it'll be alright and I ended up like learning a little bit

[00:09:57] Jordanne: And talking to other people who had problems too and unfortunately I didn't learn enough so but my parents on the way out I was it was like a 21 days thing and they I was like okay I'm ready to come home and they're like whoa you're not coming home like you are gonna go to a program like there's programs for people that can get out of rehab and like it doesn't only take 21 days what did it wait so it there is so when you're done with rehab you go is that the typical is it 21 days for rehab you know and 30 days is pretty typical okay that was just a private insurance thing now that was my only private insurance the rest have been state and they have all been like 30 days and a lot of them are like six months to Fiddler's three to six months if you're going because of a court situation but I went because I wanted to go so yeah so

[00:10:46] Jacob: The right after so you do the

[00:10:49] Jordanne: Rehab itself and then that transition in between is there I'm just thinking for anybody who is going through rehab if they're willing to do that's great then that transition afterwards I never thought about it but I imagine that's predict is scary like you do it you're like okay like I'm clean like I feel like I can probably you know I've been this many days we're getting some momentum but now you walk outside I feel like there probably go what do I do now so well

[00:11:12] Jacob: Unfortunately - if it's your first time you see a lot it's like it's like a crash course of people's lives you know you hear from people who've been there a lot and then you hear from people who are just going there first time there were a few of us a handful and I'm still friends with them today which is cool we don't talk a whole lot but it's like high school you know but um the weird thing for me was the first time I walked out and I thought I thought about living

[00:11:36] Jordanne: A different life but I don't know if I was ready to do it and so my parents told me I should go to a different things so I had set up a thing at this place called exchange Recovery and it's in Vancouver and it's pretty great program but it is something that typically is like you want to stay for like two years and you advance in the program which is cool but your life is pretty much recovery for that whole time which is important for some people that works um my friend Alyssa she does it she graduated from that program she's married she's doing great yeah sometimes we need like a whole remapping if that's why I need HEC yet right yeah and they provide that and it's a church based program so if you love that - it's all great yeah I mean if you could add the spirituality side of things that gives a lot of beatin it's a lot of power in that yeah so I went there and I actually almost had six months and I was just not

[00:12:20] Jacob: Happy I was really starting to boil down

[00:12:24] Jordanne: The program is Christian based so they don't run I'm a everybody should have the same rules all the time kind of person and if they're variated or if they're if they're changed for other people it makes sense because of recovery but I didn't understand it at that point so I was like why isn't this being run this way you know what I mean and they kept saying you know this is gonna take you out like you need to focus on yourself in your recovery and it took me out so yeah so I ended up going to a different recovery house they have one that they have them all over Vancouver they're great everywhere honestly Spokane's hot spot it's nuts but um I

[00:12:59] Jacob: Went there I lasted like three months and I relapsed again but they gave me a second chance and I used it to continue working where I was working and I was at Buffalo Wild Wings then and then somebody at the house asked if I wanted to get my own apartment and I was like that sounds kind of tight you know there were there are so many restrictions in those kind of houses and it's a group living situation which comes with its own stressors and yeah but you're just never alone you know and which is good though you know what I mean if you think about it you need that a little bit like there are different ways that it can work for everyone but it's structure that's important in the beginning I think that for a ton of people yeah but there are just struggles so it's not all fun and games you know but I decided to go out on with this

[00:13:43] Jordanne: Other person and I didn't know that the house I was living in was also for veterans and so they didn't need to be sober to live there so when I got there I knew she had smoked a bit but when I got to the apartment she started drinking a lot too and it was probably that point that I was like you know I'm on my own I'm doing great I'd been working about Flo Wild Wings for almost a year I was making my own money I had my own apartment maybe I kicked this you know maybe I'm doing okay so I started to drink too

[00:14:10] Jacob: I couldn't handle living with her she moved out in a very ugly situation and I

[00:14:17] Jordanne: Just didn't know what to do I was really unhappy I was drinking all the time at that point I think I had been fired from Buffalo Wild Wings I started working in it this place called Elmer's did you feel that you had like quote-unquote relapsed or did you feel that you had like I had taken my life in a different direction I decided that I wasn't gonna live sober but I could handle it if you felt in control of some sorts or yeah okay but uh honestly my life was so out of

[00:14:44] Jacob: Control um to backtrack a little bit of

[00:14:46] Jordanne: Where my headspace was at that point in

[00:14:49] Jacob: High school I my first experience with

[00:14:52] Jordanne: Any sexual form was rape and I was 15 and so it was just nuts like I got through it and then I was raped again in college I have had boyfriends throughout that time and I've kind of talked to a couple people about it like my mom for sure but not really the help I needed to get right so um I've had boyfriends also like serious and not and in my experience it's all been like sex is meant not for you like it's meant for other people like it's something taken from you yeah they're feeling their need you're part of that yeah it's just not the way it should be right so I'm

[00:15:29] Jacob: Now super unhealthy my

[00:15:32] Jordanne: Body it doesn't feel like a body anymore because of the C-Diff right I have been examined by so many doctors so many people know about my insides oh yeah like it was just that you

[00:15:43] Jacob: Wouldn't really think about actually as like I just feel like you know everybody knows about all of me and it's a

[00:15:49] Jordanne: Huge vulnerability yes right and at this point I was only working I wasn't really seeing my family because they had all expressed concerns and I was like done I was just unhappy I'm gonna live this way I just need to figure out like what my next move is so I found out a friend I had a lot of friends that I thought were friends and they actually were just taking advantage of me but um she

[00:16:14] Jacob: Suggested this sex-trafficking form of work and I was like I don't know but coming from my standpoint not feeling like a human sex is something to be taken it seems such like a crazy idea that kind of felt like maybe I'm gonna get like maybe this is where my part comes in you know maybe I get something for this finally you know what I mean like yeah maybe though right it was horrible yeah so but I did it and I thought it was okay and then I started

[00:16:44] Jordanne: Like getting really sick one time I went to the doctors and they tested my body for different alcohol and drugs and stuff and there were drugs in my body that I didn't take and I was waking up and the door was unlocked and nobody was there and it was really unsafe and I was just scared all the time I didn't sleep at night because people knew where I lived

[00:17:07] Jacob: It was really scary not comfortable of course it doesn't feel like home I don't have all these all these physical issues going on I think you're getting it together of course yeah so was you know so you're going through it you know this crazy just sex trafficking stuff you're still drinking was

[00:17:25] Jordanne: This around like a rock bottom for you would think it would be right so okay I am I'm going to the hospital at this point like once a week in the ER which is causing a problem for what I do because you can't just disappear so and even if you're in the hospital it's not safe right so and I my parents came and they were getting kind of weirded out like I wasn't answering the door when they came over I didn't want them to come over like there were just a lot of signs red flags right so um when they did come over if I did answer the door I was like completely incoherent one time they came

[00:18:04] Jacob: Over and I wasn't coherent and they for

[00:18:07] Jordanne: Some reason they took my phone I don't know if it was ringing I don't know what was going on but this was one of the times I was taken to the hospital that there were a lot of drugs in my system that I didn't take and she was out of it

[00:18:16] Jacob: Right and so pretty much they took

[00:18:23] Jordanne: My phone and they saw what I had been doing like all the texts the things that had been said the people that were involved and they called the friend I had a friend that told me about it right and I would just say why I was making money or whatever why I had money in my account why I was okay without a job stuff like that I was working for her sister who worked in Mexico and she was making us purses and stuff and we were selling him here right and it wasn't a legit story but it some

[00:18:50] Jacob: Elaborate thing that yeah and so

[00:18:53] Jordanne: They called her and she sold me out completely right she's like no this is really unsafe she never made a purse ever Yeah right yeah she's like I'm not even her friend really like yeah I was actually really bad yeah that blew up in my face right so at this point now my parents know all the things that you would wish that they would never know right my dad could like hardly look at me it was like the most painful experience in my life I think and it's just a lot because nobody knows what you're thinking right in that space obviously a person who's healthy and happy wouldn't make those decisions and put themselves in dangerous positions all it like the life-threatening everyday like that's what I was doing I was just like let's die I don't care I'm thinking that you need to do it or you deserve to do it or there's never gonna

[00:19:39] Jordanne: Be anything better like I had dreams of like being married before and like having a family and working in normal job you know I would have never anticipated I didn't know any of these things happen I would have never I mean again not that you just oh this person is gonna have this thing happen to them and it's like of course not but jeez I mean I was totally shocking to hear yeah so your parents come over they looked at do they what happened after that they uh they took me to the hospital before I went to the hospital one of the two they might know yeah that yeah the drugs room system right I woke up and they weren't there and my phone was gone and I panicked cuz I remembered them being there a little bit but I couldn't remember where my phone was and I emailed my mom she's like I have it and

[00:20:13] Jacob: Then I knew everything was bad so they

[00:20:15] Jordanne: Came over again and said you know you need to go to rehab and the hospital and I think I'm pretty sure that's how it went down I was a little out of it but I went to the hospital they found the drugs and everything and I'm pretty sure that's about the time that they sent me away right or no that's when I decided that I was just gonna die like I was just giving up he's done trying the hospital said if I kept drinking I was gonna die so I did I just had drinking right and I also just thought you know if I could just make another month's rent probably I will die so I did what I did like as much as I could I called everybody I knew like it was horrible and I didn't I at the end of it I knew I needed to go somewhere like I couldn't do this anymore my body was so sick I tried to get a job at this fish place cuz I was like I need to make money right away and it was like a McGrath fish house and I

[00:21:09] Jacob: Got hired I worked there 45 minutes it

[00:21:12] Jordanne: Was the day after I got out of the ICU I said an ICU for eight days the hospital for four right not in any position to go

[00:21:18] Jacob: To work the next day pickin up right like valium for eight days sedated you can't think and I lasted 45 minutes and they were like are you okay like can you

[00:21:29] Jordanne: I feel like you're not understanding it was like I'm not like I just got out of the hospital and I can't work and so

[00:21:35] Jacob: They sent me home and I'd called my parents and I said I'm yeah I mean being in that position Jordanne I can't imagine like the like okay I'm doing the thing you know I'm getting my life better but here I am I can't even pay attention you know I you know that's got to be terrible to in my memory it was pretty much gone like mixed with alcohol and all value it just took time again well there's a lot of things that are going on your life that it's like I don't even want to think about those memories you know who wants to think about my memory but it's not too great lately no yeah it

[00:22:05] Jordanne: Was just awful and so I went to rehab I thought I did really good and I got out and I had bills like the next day like it

[00:22:14] Jacob: Was I was not ready for what happened

[00:22:17] Jordanne: I went to a clean and sober house I think that time or maybe I was at my parents but regardless next Danny other different bills so what did I do I knew how to make money so I went and made money and there was alcohol there and it relapsed the next day okay so there were a couple of times that something like this happened and one of the times I ended up in a motel for like four days like really sick I was in the ER twice during that time like super dangerous my parents don't even know where I was they were about to file a missing-persons report they thought I was dead like because I drank so much they thought I went and crashed my car died in the car cuz I threw up or something you know what I mean oh yeah in anything could happen at that point when they don't know oh they were so upset one time I was gone and the cops came to my mom's house because I had hit something with my car and I had kept going and people saw and they called the cops and so the cops came to my mom's house cuz that's what the address said and it

[00:23:11] Jordanne: Was they couldn't find me and I wanted in order to send them and so literally like my mom was like oh my gosh she crashed her car where is she why can't we find her yeah oh my gosh okay so you're having this just like you're constantly like going back and just not but what changed like what yeah I mean you seem you seem so normal now you have a great conversation with me your eyes are bright you seem healthy you look good like what's what changed here what was this like flip so I unfortunately took me a few times right I had to go to rehab like I want to say five times but this last time I had to go to Spokane and while I went to

[00:23:52] Jordanne: Spokane a lot they sent me far away from my family because the more my family visited me the more irritated I got because it was just really hard they were really upset there were feelings you know they knew what had happened I had guilty yeah I thought that made you feel a lot of shame you know just by them being around just obviously in everybody would write so the person I worked with just kept sending me farther away so I wouldn't have visitors and I went to this place I had about a hundred girls in it and they some of them most of them had come from a situation where it was either jail or drug correction

[00:24:22] Jacob: You know

[00:24:24] Jordanne: So it's kind of hardcore honestly for me I was a little bit like but the more you go to rehab like it's kind of intense it's not your average day it's a lot of

[00:24:33] Jacob: Intense conversations you hear about stuff like this every day like I'm not the only person who's gone through this it's not weird at all it's something that is so common unfortunately for people in my situation or for people just with mental illnesses like or for people that have just been raped and set up to have a hard life like it's just you know or medical situations there's just so many factors that can hit in home for people and so

[00:24:58] Jordanne: Um I went to that rehab there were about a hundred girls I was cutting at this point really bad okay it was just something that knew that you had started doing already knew yeah I don't even doing it for like a month Jesus so crazy like you're just you know the opposite of getting better you're just thinking that you need to be more in pain I know terrible that you were feeling like that

[00:25:15] Jacob: Yeah and so um the problem is if you cut

[00:25:18] Jordanne: At rehab it's not funny but I've been there a long time and I'm done now so it is funny and for people that have been there it's a little funny but you can't use your razor if they if you cut they take it of course go a month without shaving it sucks so how never mustache or what know that

[00:25:34] Jacob: Your legs okay I'm human and you warm so I just I learned my lesson like don't do it there but the problem was also at this one that they were too big to handle a situation like that and they weren't focused so much on mental health like they were it was a behavioral health place but not this yeah there's a lot of problems with it with a hundred people right so um they kept sending me

[00:25:54] Jordanne: To the hospital I went to the hospital four times in two weeks and each time they'd be like you're at a behavioral place go back so they'd send me back so I'm at this place with a hundred women you'd think we're better with age we're not in a situation like that it was like a high school with women who should know better and everybody's got a mental illness or a drug problem and a drug problem like it was rough and they called me a psycho there were about me cutting people's like ask to help but they didn't help like you wouldn't think there'd be a bunch of judgment in a place like that it was really rough and so I kind of blew up one night and I called my parents and I said I'm leaving and they were like what and I was like I cannot be here it's not good for my mental health I'm gonna kill myself like at that point there was a closet at the end of the hall that they left unlocked sometimes and I knew there was bleach inside of it and I was literally

[00:26:42] Jordanne: I mean think about that sentence right there like you know a lot of people like oh you I can't imagine how that would feel that's how it feels you having those thoughts I there's some bleach in that closet that's what you're thinking that's what and I didn't get it out of my head you don't want to be doing that you know and one of the times I went to the hospital I told the EMT that and he said honestly that's one of the most painful ways not to die and I still couldn't get it out of my head like it was just the only thing I could think of it was college cause as much damage as possible like maybe I wouldn't wake up this time because after that ICU I just I thought I was dying when I was in the ICU because you're so out of it like when I woke up and was alive I was so

[00:27:18] Jacob: Upset like II imagine being that like right upset that you're alive and your parents are crying and they're all sad and you're just I can't believe I'm alive right now like yeah you're still inconvenience by this life yes and so I

[00:27:32] Jordanne: Did leave and I went straight to a motel Motel 6 is kind of where I go and you can always find easy people out of Motel 6 and I don't go there honestly but so you'll know why in a minute so um I went to Motel 6 I drank a bunch and I called my counselor not my counselor she's like a she helps people get find places to go to rehab and I called her and my case manager and I was like this is what happened this is my mat she's like I know your mom's called me several times and we were wondering where you were and I'm gonna send you a cab in the

[00:28:09] Jacob: Morning and you're gonna go to back here and we're gonna send you somewhere else and I was like okay um there was another

[00:28:17] Jordanne: Place that was connected to that behavioral place that's called Koza and they had a waiting list it's a smaller program for people with really bad mental health and so I was actually on that list but it wasn't happening soon enough so I left and the cab came and I went to the bus stop and there was a store across from the bus stop so I picked up like four things a little wine boxes and I drank the whole bus ride and I don't know what happened I woke up in Seattle I was supposed to be in Vancouver I will come Seattle at 12:00 am in a hospital jeez I don't know where I don't know what happened I don't know if I shuffle in the wrong way yeah I don't know if they called the car like the police cuz I was on the bus and I was drunk I literally don't know how or maybe you just like thought you're genius and hopped on another bus after a couple hours well it was on the way it's a stop but it doesn't make sense that I oh you're going North Vancouver Canada from Spokane to Vancouver from sawaki

[00:29:15] Jacob: Yeah anyway so um I don't have a phone

[00:29:19] Jordanne: Because I've been in rehab so much I don't have a phone so I do now but I didn't then anyway um it uh it's 12 a. m. right what am I going to do doctor just gave me benzos we already know I don't do well with those and alcohol so instead of like they wake me up and they're like you're gonna or you need to go and I'm like what where am I like

[00:29:41] Jacob: They're like you're in Seattle it's about 12 a. m. here's your stuff I only brought like one bag in a blanket

[00:29:48] Jordanne: I had like suitcases I don't know where they were at that point I'm like and so um I leave I don't know what to do I don't have a phone it's 12 a. m. everybody I know thinks I was supposed to be in Vancouver I'm sure they're freaking out but at this point I'm really just thinking like what am I gonna do right now so I go and see a bench in the hospital I sit down on it and I went to lay down in this guy oh the security guard was like you can't stay here so I'm like okay so I go outside it's freezing right because this is February of this year and I'm okay so I kind of go to like a bar but I don't have any money so I'm like trying to figure out like are there people around like what am I gonna do and so I did have a little money so I went and got some alcohol of course because what else am I gonna do so and I kind of like laid down in like a little window area nook of a building and more cops came by can't lay here I'm like yeah that makes sense I guess but so I hate you can't

[00:30:45] Jacob: See really anywhere no so I walked I just kind of kept walking and at this point I'm kind of more drinking more I'm really out of it the benzos are not good I'm tired I'm just like this is like three o'clock in morning this point oh yeah whatever oh yeah and I get pulled inside of a

[00:31:03] Jordanne: Homeless man's tent and I think you can

[00:31:06] Jacob: Imagine what happens you know I didn't

[00:31:10] Jordanne: Know what to do I had no phone and it was freezing I had nowhere else to go I literally stayed with him until the morning because what if I left and something else happened to Mike it's a terrible thing to have to be afraid of oh my gosh it was horrible he was like smoking meth the whole time there was it was danger

[00:31:29] Jacob: He was so psychotic like he was like yelling at me in the morning as soon as I could have got up and he was like where are we going like this guy thought

[00:31:38] Jordanne: We were gonna hang out yeah their life now we're best friends right and then I was kind of in my mind are you thinking like thinking at this point is this my life now I'm like I don't know like what

[00:31:47] Jacob: People don't even know where I am like so I told them like I need to go call my

[00:31:52] Jordanne: Mom and see if she can put some money because I had my card like in my account or something and I can get somewhere and I go across the street there's a bus stop and I use this strangers phone and I called my mom and she was so worried and she put some money in my account so we get on a bus to look for a motel and he's just like scaring me right you're still hanging out there yeah do you want to hang out with the guy who just like rape you yeah like so but I didn't know what to do like he was dangerous the cow and so he wanted to sit behind me on the bus and so I saw him Motel I told him I'm getting off and he said like I thought you're not gonna want to go to that Motel it's too expensive and I was like I'm getting off so I got off and he didn't get off and so I called the cab as soon as I got to the hotel and I got as far away as I could like yeah because I didn't know what else to do and I didn't want him to come back and so I

[00:32:43] Jordanne: Ended up at this Motel 6 4 and that's where I go and the I'm outside I have a

[00:32:51] Jacob: Weed map and I gotta be honest this whole time I'm praying right cuz at this point I'm kind of like okay God tell me like is this gonna be my life like am i you have I made so many mistakes that this is it right um but can I ever go home like how do I talk to my parents about this like how do I tell them where I'm at like I don't even know how to

[00:33:12] Jordanne: Explain it you know my own brother like um I had my okay so you know what let's keep moving real quick I'll go back so I go to this Motel 6 um

[00:33:25] Jacob: And this person is outside watching me

[00:33:29] Jordanne: Use this weed map and I'm like talking to them about the weed map and they're like we actually have weed like do you want to just come to my motel room and I'm like tie it like saves me a cab ride

[00:33:39] Jacob: Right money I don't have and we don't

[00:33:42] Jordanne: Probably cheaper from these creepy people send Motel 6 so they don't call I go get it and come back I think it's over I think they're weird that they don't want to talk to me they come to my room at 5 a. m. and push their way in and they held me hostage with them for two days while they use my debit cards to cash fake checks oh yeah it was two women and a man and when the women and the man weren't there or the man was always there but when the woman was gone like the other woman would stay and they were like smoking heroin and like it was so crazy that there's people that are just living this whole different reality oh just like he just got pulled right into it and felt that you needed to be there like that you deserve to be there so I'm like I couldn't leave like the girl one of the one of the girls was younger and she was probably my age and she was just like she gets really mean

[00:34:31] Jordanne: Like she was doing heroin and meth and she's like she's gonna freak out and she will beat you up like she's this isn't gonna go well for you yeah she's like you need to get out of here and I was like I can't leave like every time I went to leave she would come and say like you're not leaving I'm not done that check needs to clear cuz she cashed a check and it hadn't cleared right yeah this is hot this is a hostage that using your money like this is crazy so I just gonna leave like okay so the girl leaves and then another person comes and she's it's like the middle of the night and she's like screaming and she is on meth and she's like telling me that I don't respect the woman but took me like I'm not giving her enough respect and she's got a gun outside and she was gonna kill me like she's like this is ridiculous and I don't know what happened exactly right there but then she went to make a phone call to call the police because she got this feeling that her mom was in trouble so she wanted the police to drive by her house

[00:35:23] Jordanne: Right so they didn't that girl that have been keeping me hostage here's that she's on the phone with the cops and freaks out on her so she leaves oh so I'm thinking at least I'm not gonna get shot tonight right and then the next day the check doesn't clear I pray literally like God if I was meant to leave get me out of here I don't know how I'm gonna leave other than that and I tell her the check did not clear I'm leaving and she goes you need to wait and I was like no I'm not waiting like I'm leaving and I opened the door and I walk out and I have a cab waiting and she literally was like call me tomorrow and I was like what like she let me

[00:36:01] Jacob: Leave the man was there to call me tomorrow I called the cops as soon as I left I told them everything that happened I told him what room they were in and they never went and found those

[00:36:14] Jordanne: People I'm not **** you I also

[00:36:17] Jacob: Called about the guy in downtown Seattle but do you think it's because they just see you as I go you were a part of it like you're just I don't know what they saw but it was so unfortunate those

[00:36:27] Jordanne: People like cash fake checks like they

[00:36:30] Jacob: Had people's mail they had bags of mail I mean they're holding someone hostage because heroin and meth like what more emotive do you need to go there and they never went jeez yeah so

[00:36:43] Jordanne: Um okay so keep going with that you got out of there though I got out and I I ended up I think I came home two of

[00:36:54] Jacob: These stories might mix a little Mike my memory is still kind of weird you know you know I just had a podcast where I talked about my childhood before you came over a couple hours ago and I'd talk with Shaylee and I said the same thing and I was like I'm not sure exactly if I'm like mixing is up you know cuz a memory with a lot of traumatic things are it's messed up and right and it you know well thank you for

[00:37:17] Jordanne: Keeping going yeah I appreciate this but so one of the times I went back I couldn't go home I just I had decided I can't go home I called another friend of mine right I don't have any good friends at this point so I call him and I say this is what I used to do so I used to work with like is dangerous it's not good but I think we can do it together I go out with them I wake up four days later in a motel room with people I don't know my car is outside I don't have the keys I don't know what happened i straight-up don't know in four days like I don't know if there's some video of me somewhere I don't know who was with me I don't know what I did I don't I don't know if I was awake that's a long time four days

[00:37:54] Jacob: Yes or not no yeah and when I woke up I

[00:37:58] Jordanne: Had a legit like stand over you watch what you do you're not going in there without me pimp it was horrible what and

[00:38:07] Jacob: I'm a crazy position to be in I didn't know what to do you just wake up like that I didn't I don't know what did I get myself into yeah not even yourself at that point

[00:38:16] Jordanne: Right and I still don't know what happened that person really won't talk to me but I kind of texted him one time on Instagram like dude what happened like he was super mad at me so I don't know if I like went out took a drink of something and got my stuff and was like go home or so I don't know what happened

[00:38:29] Jacob: Yeah I couldn't you could have just like peace Alan Amy might not even know he might like you just left that's all I know right I don't know what he knows but I know he didn't know actually it's so crazy that you have to you know feel like you know you have to put together what happened in your life that's awful and this guy has my phone

[00:38:43] Jordanne: Right and he's starting to make like some kind of website and we're in a Motel 6 believe it and they're all doing

[00:38:51] Jacob: Meth and I still haven't done meth or

[00:38:54] Jordanne: Heroin which is shocking right but I just didn't hit that low honestly every time I was in this position I was really sick because I'm an alcoholic at that point right really bad and I need alcohol like I can't just not drink or eat and I wasn't like they weren't feeding me or giving me how qahal right they were just you know he was rolling violently from oh it's horror I was so sick and they kept trying to move us because you know you can't be operating something like that in a place for him very long like motel people know what's going on and so um my back started to hurt really bad like a couple days later I needed like constant ice or cold water on it like it was really hurting and I was really throwing up like I could hardly do what they kept asking me to do and so um he went to go get food or

[00:39:42] Jacob: Something and I wasn't alone but he came

[00:39:45] Jordanne: Back and I couldn't eat any of the food and he's like I don't know what to do for you and he's like I'm kind of worried like that you aren't okay and I was like I'm not like and at this point he saw at my car right and like computer and all my stuff so I was like he needs here's what do you do when you're like this and I said I need to go to hospital so he took me to the hospital and dropped me off he took my car and my phone and my computer and my

[00:40:04] Jacob: Parents don't know where I'm at and

[00:40:07] Jordanne: Apparently they got like text during this time but I didn't text them I didn't have my phone so I don't know what happened but they were just like keeping up some story or something maybe oh yeah and so my dad I think I called him or something from the hospital because I was there for like two or three days and they my kidneys were failing by the way so that was and that's the pain in your back that's what that was from yeah can you failure and so they kept me to fix it and when I called the guy to come pick me up he okay so it was the day I was getting out here call the guy to pick me up my dad shows up and I'm like dad you need to leave and you can do that in hospitals like you can say they can't see me and so I was about to say that and then my dad's like we can't hold your phone you'll never find that person again and at this point I'm like I hadn't heard them I was I was worried I was like overcome with fear these people have my phone my car and my computer like

[00:41:02] Jacob: Everybody is everybody I know pictures where I live who my parents are I was just like you don't know what you just did you don't just disconnect somebody from a situation like that it's dangerous like what if they had tried to find me and they had my car insurance like in the car you know what I mean we have a million different ways of getting to you everything and so I freaked out

[00:41:27] Jordanne: And it's so bad that my dad dropped me back off in a Motel 6 and I waited just to see if they would come back to find me and they didn't come back and so I tried to kill myself there in the Motel 6 that night because the doctor at the hospital gave me benzos and I knew I could over like drink too much and so I drank a ton and then I actually tried to like burn myself with a coat hanger cuz I thought I could like get through the skin and I'd bleed out like it was I was just done right nothing right and so my parents got me back and then I went back to this rehab right well before that I had to stay at my dad's for a minute and because it's not just easy you can't just like be like I'm sick and need to go to rehab there's like what eating lists and stuff yeah there's so many yeah and insurance and stuff so I

[00:42:12] Jordanne: Had to wait with my dad for a while and I like one point I was alone with my brother and he was like he said something about my phone or something and I was like yeah I don't have it anymore he's like yeah that's right pimp has it like hmm like but you don't feel

[00:42:25] Jacob: Like it's gonna get better right like at

[00:42:28] Jordanne: That point like your family knows you're

[00:42:31] Jacob: Not a person like what the things you had to do that you like beyond your control you know yeah you've had to completely strip yourself down to something that's not you but it's hardly even a person you know you just you just out outwardly living out pain you know I

[00:42:46] Jordanne: Can't imagine so your brother like you and your brother have always been pretty close okay and he's my only like blood relation but you seem like you were able to have good conversation I guess that's right what I knew from back in the day yeah like I don't think I think he there were a lot of mistakes I made in college just like partying and doing silly things not anything like this right that

[00:43:07] Jacob: He was like I wish he would make better choices but I think that when this happened it kind of made him just feel like who is this person you know I don't

[00:43:15] Jordanne: Know how I feel I can't speak for him but I'm sure I feel like from my point of view I can understand why he might say I don't even want to be a part of my life anymore you know what I mean and like I didn't go to his wedding this year I was out of rehab I had six months clean I could have gone Mikey uninvited me so I'm sorry um it was just like

[00:43:33] Jacob: Honestly toughest thing I think I've

[00:43:36] Jordanne: Experienced so far which is crazy right so let's just say where I'm at now so I went after all this I go to the hospital

[00:43:44] Jacob: And because I couldn't I couldn't get

[00:43:47] Jordanne: Back I kept drinking I couldn't get back and I called the cops right so I'm in the cab I tell my mom what's going on she calls me Michaela my case manager she calls a rehab I get there to detox they don't have my phone number and my information I don't know what happened but it didn't work I couldn't go there so my options were to go to the hospital and say I will kill myself if I leave and they admit you into the like the mental health ward and so then based on that they kept me for ten days in the mental health ward then through those ten days Michaela got me into cosa and so I ended up I rehab again at the one that I could have gone to if I'd waited on the waiting list and not left that other rehab Oh way back when yeah well actually that was just March this March okay so that the February I left that place I was only out for like two weeks during that whole okay and then Koza is

[00:44:38] Jacob: That the name you said what is how do you spell that okay in it was that was good for

[00:44:46] Jordanne: You that was you know obviously the best experience my life it was awesome it was a smaller version of the other place so there are people that didn't want to be there sure but certs rehab you don't go cuz you want to go um but it was great like they had a mental health counselor there that was fantastic and he talked

[00:45:02] Jacob: To me about how my parents would

[00:45:05] Jordanne: Feel if I died but more importantly just like how I could live like it's and how

[00:45:12] Jacob: Thoughts are just thoughts you know everything's just thought until you make it in action like anymore yeah and people have thoughts like it's okay to have them but you know like let them the hell out yeah don't keep

[00:45:25] Jordanne: Them in there yeah don't feel terrible don't beat yourself up for having them or thinking like well I guess I deserve this like that's like you know I guess I have to live with that homeless guy now or whatever you know yeah thoughts you don't those aren't you yeah and like how you can better your life and like it just like it changed my thinking I heard a lot of things there that I really liked and

[00:45:46] Jacob: They taught us a lot about drinking and

[00:45:49] Jordanne: About how to like talk to people like cuz it's really hard you know I've been in rehab now on and off for a year I've been in on and off in recovery for it since 2016 once you go through something

[00:46:01] Jacob: So dehumanizing it's weird that I work at an IHOP right now and go to church on

[00:46:07] Jordanne: Sundays and live a normal life like it's hard to go from that to that like sometimes I'll get really frustrated at work because somebody's upset that I got their order wrong or that the cooks messed up because I was homeless last

[00:46:20] Jacob: Week you know what I mean not last week but like yeah like this is not a big deal no yeah so like it's hard to make

[00:46:26] Jordanne: The like conversion back to it reality like cuz your reality was so deformed and so like I had a conversation with my friend Alyssa about today how did you do this like did you get frustrated with people because it's not their fault that they didn't have to go through that thank God they didn't have to go through that but it's hard I mean

[00:46:43] Jacob: But you went through that and then now you're here like I mean you're here like telling the whole story like being brave and so that definitely gives a ton of people I'm sure you've already given a lot of people a lot of strength just by telling it so thanks for that but

[00:46:57] Jordanne: It's crazy because it makes me think you

[00:47:00] Jacob: Know like you're the worker dye have like we don't think about that like we're just at IHOP and we're just like and I'm so bummed about my pancakes being wrong or whatever and it's like that person like that person just went through the most crazy last five six years of her life you know it changes our interactions when we're interacting from day to day so what would you say since you know you have been

[00:47:22] Jordanne: To more than one rehab what would you say was like different about this one like what you know obviously there's a few things that were profound like oh those are just thoughts you know that was probably a huge thing just like I don't have to follow those honor me but like what was different about this rehab center um not all of them are co-occurring like mental health and alcohol or drag yeah any drug but some of them are just geared toward recovery like for our for drug and alcohol like I had mental health problems I don't honestly believe I have him anymore I was literally like healed I don't have the same thoughts I had anymore I don't I mean I'm a normal person I have using dreams sometimes and they freak me out I wake up and I'm like but like I prayed I've gone to church my parents and praying for me forever um I think God finally just answered a prayer like he I don't feel when I got

[00:48:17] Jordanne: Out of rehabs before I was always like kind of bummed to be around people who drank like I couldn't I don't know I just couldn't be around it now I mean I'm fine with it like if you need to drink that's fine but I just don't and I don't feel like yeah like you're actually in control yeah like I'm in control until I get in front of it you know yeah sure that's probably a difficult thing too it used to be yeah and I'm sure it is for a lot of people like it's really uncomfortable I don't think people think about that like um because people don't They shouldn't have to change her my wife for you but I think people should like consider that you're really struggling like I always think about like Twilight honestly like cuz when you bit like for the first time it feels like beer on humans feels like fire in your throat it's a little factoid that an ounce I want people think about that like you're putting the alcoholic or the drug addict through that when you bring that it makes me that uncomfortable it used to right now

[00:49:10] Jacob: I don't care like I'm just kind of get frustrated like when people abused it you know I'm like I just wish he knew hot and healthy it was but well that's just because you care in your life I know how bad this could be right that's all like but it's just it's just different now I love being around my family I have a nine year old sister she's freaking the bee's knees and I'm just kind of renewing relationships I didn't make it to my brother's wedding technically I wasn't invited but we're gonna skip past that because we've seen each other twice since then and it's been wonderful and I felt good to hear yeah you know what Jordanne you have a whole rest of your eyes is life oh

[00:49:45] Jacob: Yeah experience good times together yeah you know when I can see where he's coming from you know I think that it's important to know where somebody's head spaces before they make those choices I think if I could talk to him I would probably just like real honest one time maybe I will but I think I would just probably like say you don't know where you know I didn't just go out and say I want to do this like I want this life like help me be horrible you know like help me be miserable but I did you know I found it unfortunately and you know I wouldn't I wouldn't try to embarrass anyone but that's not where I was that's not even what I was thinking and I'm sorry if it looks yucky but it just

[00:50:25] Jordanne: Happened like and it was dangerous and it's something that can happen to a lot of people like well that's something that you clearly see like that you reached out to me like you're willing to talk about this and be so honest about it I mean that's just that typical you

[00:50:39] Jacob: Know we always hear like you don't think it's gonna happen to you like that you know Jordanne I new year like I feel I didn't know about any of this stuff I don't know that any of it happened and now but it is cool I you know something

[00:50:49] Jordanne: I was thinking bout as you're explaining this to me you're telling me about this like this girl who's in a hotel room and you're doing these things and I'm just like what you're just like this smart well-spoken person to me the door

[00:50:59] Jacob: That I know so it's cool too you know there's I'm sure there's a lot of parts of you that you had to like refined and there's new parts of you that you discovered but I mean it's I hope it gives somebody a little faith of like you know if they're if they're listen to my podcast in that hotel room right now like you have to you gonna be normal again one day you don't have to be in that situation like I mean and

[00:51:23] Jordanne: It's not your fault that's the most important part like because I was just like no this is just the way in my life is going and I think that it's important to say that I had a friend who had a worse situation than mine like she had a really hard life name was Meagan Mayer and I met her in treatment and she passed away a couple months ago from a overdose because that fentanyl was like crazy up in heroin right now and she had eight months clean that she was doing great but it was just a bummer so she had she wanted help like and she couldn't cuz she can't now and so I just thought that was kind of my point where I thought I need to talk about this and then all of a sudden you were like C-Diff and I was like I know that way I

[00:52:01] Jacob: Know that's like so like the fact that it you know in what's funny is you messaged me and I was like listening back as like I don't think I actually can sometimes I'll edit out like if I get rambling for too long oh yeah but I think I ended it out even the joke that we had about literally cuz I listened the whole podcast I was like I want to hear what he says about it but you know what's cool is I don't know I just like the fact that it led to you messaging me and now you're here and you know there's this minute like how I mean there's a lot of women who are gonna have a lot of strength from this one like there was a point where you were like if you wanna come on my podcast let me know and I was thinking like nah I don't have anything to say crazy idea I need to say anything and then I thought no I kind of do need to say something because like I don't

[00:52:45] Jordanne: Know I honestly there's a person I know that's kind of starting to seem like going through something I went through like where I was working but I my life

[00:52:54] Jacob: Was just kind of interim I was calling in a lot and I was sick and it was starting to show at work and I kind of I feel like I need to talk to that person to you know like I just feel like I don't want to be overbearing but like if I get help somebody or just say listen I have been there and if you don't want to do what I did like there are other choices right exactly tries to get help and no you deserve hell anyways ways to get it I think just I always like to create this you know like with this podcast especially but even just like our friend group is just like changing like my personal close friends where we're starting to get to the point where we're having these open conversations that are like instead of when that person's not around like yeah so I'm so is drinking we're all uncomfortable it's like hey like you love that person and it's gonna be hard but maybe have a little bit of a conversation can surround it maybe ask him a couple questions we're starting to all trying to like make it to where it's

[00:53:47] Jacob: Okay to talk about these things like it's okay to go to your friends it's

[00:53:51] Jordanne: Okay like you don't have to like you know no I think it should be talked about I think that honestly this whole I mean my mom was even like are you sure

[00:53:59] Jacob: You want to share details like what if you what about the backlash you know and I honestly just asked like a couple of my close people like it wasn't gonna embarrass you in any way and they said no and I said okay then I'm gonna do it like um I just feel like it needs to be

[00:54:13] Jordanne: Talked about because like when I first started doing this like when that friend told me about the service she used there

[00:54:20] Jacob: Are people in this town who use that service to call people to call me you know what I mean like I know people so like it this is a thing that needs to be talked about in our town because there are people using that service so I'm sure there are people like me I just work on it I just don't think that the personal you know like it like you were obviously going through some pain but I just think that if you're in a position to be using that you probably if you don't think you're going through pain but you're using a service like that I feel like you prop there may be some things that need to be dealt with your life right I think I would say what one thing I do want to talk about so

[00:54:53] Jordanne: Something that I have noticed like our age group so you probably noticed even outside of the situation so religion when it comes to like spirituality religion everyone's so uncomfortable about it like I have a friend who he's like a wonderful human being like I love talking to him I like you know he's very interesting intelligent and we were talking we're going on about like music production or some probably some science or something cool and then you started talking about religion and he was like yeah I remember his voice got quiet he goes well so I'm Christian yeah and I

[00:55:25] Jacob: Remember like just thinking like dude you shouldn't be ashamed of that you know but it's our society it's just super weird you know like we feel uncomfortable talking about things so what I would love to hear from you

[00:55:36] Jordanne: Jordanne is you mentioned religion you said it plays an important role in your life now what has it given you like how is I was religion added to this my whole life like I would not be here today without God and I'm not ashamed to say it like um I let me tell you about my living

[00:55:54] Jacob: Situation um I live here in Longview now I was living in a group home out of

[00:55:59] Jordanne: Rehab you know like I should and I was miserable I was just I was working two jobs this was just three months ago right I was clean but it was I had kind

[00:56:09] Jacob: Of started I almost started to cut again I was like you know um is this all that is gonna like did I get clean for this which i think is a feeling that a lot of people have and I came home and I talked

[00:56:22] Jordanne: To my mom about it and she was walking with a friend from church and the friend was like we need to call I'm not gonna mention him but this other lady because she can pray over you she's going to school like to learn more about God and stuff right and just about healing and things like that and so she comes and she prays for me a week later she texts me and says I've been talking to my husband and we would like you to move in with us and they live in a huge house they just built it like last year and their whole downstairs is meant for like chillin and there's a bathroom down there and a little like tiny like sink in kitchen area almost and a room and I come in the garage and I stay down there and I live there for free they

[00:57:03] Jacob: Just felt called by God to help me

[00:57:06] Jordanne: That's beautiful yeah and like um I

[00:57:09] Jacob: Don't feel cravings for alcohol anymore

[00:57:12] Jordanne: And I have I don't take any medications I was on so many medications for mental health for not craving for first shaking I shook like crazy I thought it was gonna be permanent like I cause of drinking like you get the DTS oh yeah

[00:57:26] Jacob: Yeah I shook all the time and I was afraid it's gonna happen forever and I don't shake anymore I mean I shake like and if I'm nervous I might be a little shaky right now but um you know like I'm

[00:57:36] Jordanne: I'm healed like legit I think I'm healed and I've gone to the doctor since I've been back I they told me when I was in the ICU that I had the insides of the 55 year old who had drank their whole life my insides are all healed like I don't I

[00:57:51] Jacob: Mean things are great I just feel like I've been healed like it's been amazing and I go they had a couple of requirements at the house right so I read a book a month that they suggest which typically is pretty cool like the first one was great the second one was kind of rough but the third one's pretty cool and would you recommend either of those three like to any in just any reader or I would recommend if epic faith like yeah it's pretty cool it's like a story and the cool thing about is the people I live with met the author and went to the place in the book with them so it's like it's the person's a real person like it's a real story it's awesome and like I think it's been here around town because Columbia Heights Assembly had people read it for a while oh cool yeah well just as someone who I you know I'm still very open about I just love exploring you

[00:58:38] Jacob: Know my spiritual path is new to me too like a year and a half ago two years ago the whole spiritual thing like I would just kind of joke about it like I don't know it just wasn't for me you know but I just because I didn't know anything about it but so I find myself like I am enthralled with all the religions like I just I like learning about all of them so I love learning about you know I'll read like if I read that book I would enjoy every second of I'm sure if it's a good book I'm able to read these things and not like oh I don't agree with this or I disagree with you know I feel like a lot of our age group gets caught up with that sort of thing and they don't really give it a chance a lot of people like they I feel like they acknowledge that the universe is good and like they're being called and things but that they are kind of placing it on the universe when like I feel like it's godlike but I

[00:59:22] Jacob: Also don't push it on people like you know I feel like they'll come to it you know I've known God my whole life but I've never been this close to God no

[00:59:31] Jordanne: Such things yeah like healing that's like something that you read about but like my body is healed like I feel like a different person like I'm able to speak about these things this just happened in March like it's December I'm talking about it like it's just things are different like I still have problems but like not like not like that face up

[00:59:51] Jacob: Oh yeah and I just feel strong I feel like I was put through those things to help people not to sit and think I don't know I almost kept them for myself like okay I've been through all that I deserve to keep it a secret you know I deserve to just live a better life but well in telling people you get nervous it's like it like because you don't want people to treat you different or like treat you like you're fragile or something all the time I thought that's how I would always hate a lot like I just talked with Shane about the same thing about the podcast I just you know I just wanted my life is return to normal now and I want to tell you about it you know but I'm okay like yeah I'm like I mean but always checking on people but like really I'm not a victim for sure you know if anything like a survivor straight up you know and um but I'm not part of this like new believers group I go to the promised Church in Woodland it's freaking amazing and they do a lot of

[01:00:40] Jacob: Evangelism there and which is pretty new to me but they're like finding new people who believe in God all the time and it's pretty neat I am I technically I feel like a new believer because I'm just like coming in to believe you know

[01:00:52] Jordanne: Coming back I guess but I've never known God like this I think I should be a part of it but I go Thursday's and then I go to church with my family on Sundays and what do you do is so I haven't been to church for so long I remember I went when I was younger again I even when I was younger I enjoyed learning about it I didn't know what I'd what I knew but yeah so if

[01:01:11] Jacob: Anybody you know it's Church a place

[01:01:13] Jordanne: That you can kind of like if you felt like going in the back and you want it to walk in or like it's like if you're if you're a struggling and you want to like I don't know maybe I should learn a little bit about religion or what is Christian about like what is it I was like to describe that little step from nothing to like if you

[01:01:28] Jacob: See me it's really weird when you think that like a family yeah like you think like me especially I haven't been treated like a human in a long time like you know I've been treated fragile I've been treated like a slave I've been treated like a drug addict yeah you know a way of means for someone else right I've never like I mean since high school

[01:01:48] Jordanne: Right like or being younger I haven't been treated like a person and so I walked in and I feel like a person again like they didn't treat me like a fragile person they saw who I was right then and they liked it and like now since then I've told them all kinds of things but I don't like they haven't changed the way they look at me at all and they don't judge they want to hear about your problems they want to help you they want to pray for you like oh they're so inviting and

[01:02:12] Jacob: Like the Holy Spirit like I can feel

[01:02:15] Jordanne: Them around like when we go to places like that and like they always have Christmas lights in my lake house but it makes it like feel like it's like just straight-up glowing like it's a good place I love that I mean you can feel that I went to we were just Shaylee and I were just in London and we went to the I might be missing a word that's in it but the st. Peter's Church it's a it's just the prettiest thing ever like in again the spirituality is new for me and I'm

[01:02:39] Jacob: So incredibly open to like all these new experiences that I'm just like what does it feel like to be in here and the feeling in that building is just like I don't I can't put there's not words for it but there is something that's here you know I mean right certainly and so you know I think that is open for anybody you know like it's something that you deserve to feel like you know and that's something that if you're like what's life all about there's no meaning and you're in this like terrible downpour it's like you know look into that there might be something there that will be a little bit of a spark oh yeah seriously and like not only that

[01:03:14] Jordanne: Things are happening like around the world right now like really good things and I mean bad things too but like there's a lot of healing happening like my mom had a hurt back her backs healed like yeah like there's a place called The Healing Room in California and like

[01:03:29] Jacob: Amazing healing happens like this lady

[01:03:32] Jordanne: Was driving and on the way she got healed like she didn't got there yet and then I Fritton pretty sure it was there was a little agenda baby like that this lady walked there and it died on the way and she still brought it there and it came back to life like I'm

[01:03:48] Jacob: Not I'm this is gonna freak yeah I know you know I've been learning about a lot of stuff like this lately - I'm not afraid to like check into it like I mean miracles man I mean they gotta have some sort of sort of sort of basis like yeah like I just feel like I don't know I feel like it needs to be talked about like I think it's cool and I think it's great to explore to you know like a lot of times we see stuff or we see stuff or we hear about it and we're like it's so weird and so different that I feel like people gonna make funny if I talk about it or feel like we're so weirded out by we can't but it's like we gotta talk about it you know these are people are their lifes are getting better like you that's something we should explore right yeah like if it's not for you I guess that's okay but hey

[01:04:30] Jacob: I don't think there's any harm in trying it like worst case scenario you get greeted by a lot of friendly people you know what I mean I think if anything it matters what church you walk into because someone overcome strange but I highly recommend to the promise Church they're doing some crazy things there right now it's pretty neat and um and like even the pastor talks about addiction like he was addicted to pornography like straight up and he'll tell you that and he'll tell you how he's doing better now and like their people to human yeah they're all human it's just a place to go and be a human you know be thankful for what you got and I think that's the coolest part about that new believers group it starts out and they talk about um they give

[01:05:10] Jordanne: Thanks for anything that happened in the last seven days and I always have something cool to share like it's not funny here and I never think like oh seven days like oh that's not a long time but like it was it can be as simple as like I went to my little sister's birthday party for the first time in like three four years sober this last

[01:05:27] Jacob: Weekend oh yeah osode oh that's great yeah and I just got to be a part of it and I like said I mean she's a nine now so she can say think she'll say to me I like you so much better now that you're not drinking and I'll be like oh my heart wake but she I said to

[01:05:44] Jordanne: My stepdad like I just loved being there he said you were such a big help it was so nice and I said I was just so nice to be there like I would have done anything to be there like and Rory goes I liked

[01:05:53] Jacob: That you were there too and I was just like ah this is why I live right now like yeah that's so great I mean in knowing that you deserve to feel those feelings cause like I mean there's so many times where you would have never even dreamt that would happen but there was also probably even times where you would have blocked those four things are happening I know that me like you know it's obviously different with your traumas but it's you think that you deserve to feel these things but it's like you could trace it back from Mike way back young like alright I started feeling that I needed to I deserve to feel these bad things way

[01:06:26] Jordanne: Back this far

[01:06:27] Jacob: So the initial just jumping back the initial you talked about what happen you order fifty

[01:06:34] Jordanne: I think that admitting that and talking about that I think that there is a lot of a lot of people who are living

[01:06:43] Jacob: With these things still inside them you know like we see like I'm not talking about like pop culture and the media and all that stuff like people you know whatever but like I think there's a lot of people who have things that have happened to them when they were younger whether they're like what happened to you or not but I think that speaking of them and admitting that it did happen in talking with someone you love about it or talking with someone who will listen like going to you know there's plenty of religious communities there's plenty of spiritual communities there's plenty of rehabs too and admitting these things I

[01:07:15] Jordanne: Feel like just from my experience from

[01:07:18] Jacob: Talking to two other people who opened up to me just as a friend yeah when those words fall out of their mouth like I you know I was really I was 15 or these things like I mean just

[01:07:29] Jordanne: Them saying that to someone is it's

[01:07:32] Jacob: So powerful right in the amount of healing III think like that moment they're like when that when it happens like the you know because I felt healing that I've even that come to terms with things that like with myself not even to another person but that healing that's definitely a spiritual thing to like that melting away the chiseling away of like oh I'm not holding on to that thing by myself anymore so I think that's pretty powerful um we are getting up here in time so we're what we'll do another five minutes we'll just wrap it up so Jordanne seriously thank you again like for being brave enough to like hit me up to come here to continue just to like tell me all your story like I'm thankful that you're alive I'm thankful that you're here sincerely and I'm thankful that you're going to you know I'm sure the next few years for you are gonna be you're probably gonna help quite a few people just by being honest in yourself so I'm excited to see what happens do you have any anything you want to leave any listeners with yeah I don't know I'm just like thankful to be talking about it you know um I think

[01:08:38] Jacob: It's important I think that this is gonna hit home with more people than I then people really think like because

[01:08:44] Jordanne: It's probably if with people in rehab it's like percent like but you know there's also people who had never lived that kind of life but like rape is something that happens all the time and like for my particular situation it wasn't a group of high school kids that like you were really well-known in our high schools like a bunch of seniors and it was like a bet like who could do it first and I just happened to be alone with the wrong one at the wrong time and I never said

[01:09:07] Jacob: Anything you know I won't ever say his name or whatever but um and that's fine if you do want to report it do it you know what I mean but I chose not to at the time and that's your decision right that was your life you get to yeah and so um but it's just like I wish that high school boys knew that they weren't just messing around you know it's not a bit like that's like a really important thing for girls like and boys like that's just important and to make that somebody's first experience is really just not okay yeah and so I just hope that people kind of like listen and just know that people have feelings and then like even as common is like or even when

[01:09:42] Jacob: We were talking about like um maybe and at work like having somebody be mad about something I think it's important to get people thinking like you never know where the person's been that you're talking to so like make sure that you would just talk to them how you would talk to you would want somebody to talk to you know it's really it costs nothing to be decent to people like we're all people and so and it makes I mean it's just better walking around when you just have every single person that walks by you instead of just seeing them as like some quick object it's like it's a person and they were a child once yeah and they had they you know their virginity experience was different than mine I just remembering all these things like this is a whole person with their whole intricate life if you can just like reinsert those yeah get off your phone and say hi to the people around you that definitely is a thing well Jordanne again I appreciate you and any listeners out here who is whose if you're at any stage

[01:10:39] Jordanne: In your life and your before the healing process if you're on the healing process just know that you deserve to be on

[01:10:46] Jacob: The healing process you deserve to be on that path and you know you might you might you might be in the cave now but like look at Jordanne you know I mean it's still hard so like don't know no doubt ya know yeah you're perfect everything's healed but that's I'm saying is being on this path and being open about being on this path is I mean we could just having these conversations even having them to where it's like okay you know I'm gonna have it if you're a mother right now and you're like I have a teenage boy like I wonder if I have to have that conversation with them like maybe you do

[01:11:16] Jacob: I don't know right so College about it wouldn't be hard it wouldn't be it wouldn't hurt anyone you know certainly yeah I just think it's very interesting the way because they're having I mean everybody seven sex younger anyway but it's just like a really tough situation we can't act like it's not there that's for certain it's it you know these are hard conversations to have important I mean like where it could go I mean this is a really exaggerated horrible experience but yeah okay I just think it's more common than people think like you just end up where you end up and um I think

[01:11:45] Jordanne: You don't have to accept that like you can just grow thank things can get better like you deserve better

[01:11:53] Jacob: Absolutely all right well be brave everybody have a good rest your day Junkyard Love Podcast out