# Episode 055 with Brian 'DJ Toasty' Andrew - Life Has No Sync Button

- Episode: 0055
- Date: 2020-09-17
- Duration: 2:48:46 (10126s)
- Guest: [Brian 'DJ Toasty' Andrew](/guests/brian-dj-toasty-andrew/)
- YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD9W0zUKBco
- RSS: https://share.transistor.fm/s/accfaa73
- Audio: https://2.gum.fm/op3.dev/e/pdcn.co/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/pdst.fm/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/media.transistor.fm/accfaa73/fa4878e5.mp3

## About

Brian Andrew is a Disc Jockey, Information Technologist, Digital Marketer, Music Director, Event Producer, Father, Husband, and Friend.  He's been a Pacific Northwest DJ for more than 25 years and I've had the pleasure of working alongside him on multiple occasions. He comes by the Junkyard Love Studio to give the low-down on a streaming electronic music event we have been working on called Glow In The Dark - Virtual Insanity. This virtual event is available for free online at 7 pm Pacific on September 19th and showcases multiple talented DJs including Toasty, K3lls, Adastra, JacobFromTheInternet (me), and the trap duo Fo'Real. After we cover the details and how-to's on the upcoming show - Toasty and I transition the conversation into our personal journies with DJing, creating art, working live events and clubs, drug use, substances in the scene, mental health, suicide, personal growth, pain, friendship, change, work, and much much more.
I am absolutely overfilled with gratitude to be able to offer space for such vulnerability and honest personal stories. Brian shows great bravery, openness and wisdom in this episode and I sincerely hope his words help a few folks navigate their own playlist of life.
I would also like to note that me, nor Brian, are clinical psychologists, doctors, or mental health professionals of any sort. Any advice or guidance we offer is from firsthand experience, research, or critical thought. We are here in this episode to stumble through the hard conversations in favor of making mental health issues a more friendly and 'okay' piece of discussion. You are not alone, or weird for experiencing human thoughts and hardships :)
For more info and the streaming link on the upcoming show check out glowinthedarkevents.com - and find DJ Toasty on social media @djtoasty

## Chapters

(none published in episode notes)

## Quotes

(none published in episode notes)

## Guest links

(none published in episode notes)


## Archive picks

Extracted from the YouTube auto-caption transcript and published About already on this episode. Labeled separately from Jacob’s published About / Chapters / Quotes / Hashtags.

## Memorable quotes

- [00:03:48] Brian: “doing it doing this for 25 plus years um they start they start throwing their own night they start putting their own party together they start building um”
- [01:22:27] Brian: “figure out myself but Money is not the only currency not you Know in i think as an individual it's up to You to choose what are currency”
- [01:16:08] Brian: “things as well um but I was just a dj that liked to party and if i could have removed that which i ended up doing um then”
- [01:30:51] Brian: “back and say you know I don't ever want to be that person again that's i mean besides The different skills and experiences That you get from different”
- [01:30:51] Brian: “in my life you know As an artist as a dj as a human Um i'm very much a different person In each one each one of those”
- [01:24:06] Brian: “would be like that hangover the next day would turn into depression that i didn't know was depression i was like i thought that i was my thoughts”
- [02:46:35] Jacob: “listener Listen man you're worth it whatever You're going through it's all right whatever your friends are going through you just let them know it's all right in”
- [02:08:37] Jacob: “are loved and that you matter um and that everyone wants to feel special whether or not we're DJing and we're special right whether or not um I”
- [02:46:35] Brian: “well um it's just it Breathes life into things that you're trying to create and do and you know all the different perspectives and experiences and it just”
- [00:18:11] Brian: “Um there's a whole Save Our Stages. com Movement going on where the federal Government hasn't provided a lot of financial support for many industries but including the”

## Chapter-style timestamps

- [00:00:06](#t-00-00-06) — Opening bumper — Junkyard Love
- [00:01:28](#t-00-01-28) — Live check / stream delay
- [00:02:36](#t-00-02-36) — Guest intro — Brian / Glow In The Dark
- [00:03:48](#t-00-03-48) — What is Glow In The Dark
- [00:18:11](#t-00-18-11) — Save Our Stages / venues
- [00:25:36](#t-00-25-36) — Play what you want / please yourself
- [01:08:17](#t-01-08-17) — Nightlife / mental health / partying
- [01:16:08](#t-01-16-08) — Alcohol / identity as DJ
- [01:22:27](#t-01-22-27) — Money is not the only currency
- [01:24:06](#t-01-24-06) — Hangover → depression / anxiety
- [01:30:51](#t-01-30-51) — Don't want to be that Toasty again
- [01:46:10](#t-01-46-10) — Morning-after / suicidal thoughts
- [01:52:39](#t-01-52-39) — Mindset — how do I get better
- [02:46:35](#t-02-46-35) — Close — you're worth it

## Keywords

Brian DJ Toasty Andrew, Junkyard Love Podcast episode 0055, JYLP 0055, Life Has No Sync Button, Glow In The Dark, Virtual Insanity, Pacific Northwest DJ, electronic music, event production, Save Our Stages, mental health, suicide, depression, substance use, nightlife, friendship, creating art, DJing, K3lls, Adastra, Fo'Real, Jacob Rhines

## Hashtags

#DJToasty #BrianAndrew #JYLP0055 #JunkyardLove #LifeHasNoSyncButton #GlowInTheDark #VirtualInsanity #MentalHealth #DJing #SaveOurStages #JYLP

## Short guest bio (from episode speech + published About/links)

Brian 'DJ Toasty' Andrew appears on Junkyard Love episode 0055 — Life Has No Sync Button. Jacob’s published notes call him a Disc Jockey, Information Technologist, Digital Marketer, Music Director, Event Producer, Father, Husband, and Friend — a Pacific Northwest DJ for more than 25 years (@djtoasty). In this conversation they cover Glow In The Dark — Virtual Insanity (glowinthedarkevents.com), building a virtual stream with K3lls, Adastra, Fo'Real and JacobFromTheInternet, Save Our Stages, the creative/DJ process, nightlife substance culture, mental health and suicide, friendship, pain, change, and work — with a disclaimer that neither is a clinical mental-health professional.

## Transcript

[00:00:06] Jacob: Hello and welcome to the Junkyard Love Podcast At what age do we learn how to have Better conversations At what age do we learn to have better conversations with ourselves Howdy duty my cat dogs welcome To the Junkyard Love Podcast real quick Before we get poppin the first 30 minutes or so of this episode is in regards to the event that is premiering this weekend that we're posting this september 19th if you're listening to the after feel free to skip through that or if you want to hear how we set up an event and how we made this uh virtual stream happen it's all good Info um Toasty explains kind of what we get going on but if you're here for the rest of it feel free to skip around and listen to what you'd like in this episode we kind of talk about a lot of the dj creator creative process Kind of the mind behind things substances suicide depression Our experiences Toasty's experiences being a dj for 25 plus years the whole thing's packed full of greatness so i hope you enjoy uh if you would like to

[00:01:28] Brian: Watch our live stream on saturday if you're listening to this beforehand we would love to have you hope you have a good time enjoy the podcast take care of yourself and we're live Are we broadcasting live we are broadcasting live like Glow In The Dark broadcasting live yes oh perfect Live but later that's that was the thing Is like explaining to people wait so it's not a live stream but it's just a stream and right like their brain is like doesn't com compute yeah it was uh yeah No it's no we're broadcasting there's a slight broadcast delay yeah but having that extra time i mean Just like running uh because i've done some live stream well i've done one big live stream um for the texas thing right yeah i was Out in texas and uh that one was it's weird Because it had the stress of a live show Yeah uh like you stood like the jitters like right before it goes because it's like if you mess up it's live people right people still hear it but uh it is it's

[00:02:36] Jacob: It's weird when there's no crowd yeah but i'm glad that we did it the way that we did it for Glow In The Dark so Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Junkyard Love Podcast Today we have my friend brian on and uh we want to talk about glow in dark first and foremost this is an event that we just did we uh shot all the footage and um did all the Things we set it all up and We did it yeah and it's done yeah but uh Brian took a lot time a lot of time to edit it and put it all together so on september 19th we have a show and It's edited nicely and it looks real good it sounds Good too it sounds real good oh yeah um okay so Brian i do want to get into your Background um we have plans to talk about some mental health stuff we want to talk about some suicide stuff just some real talks um that we've

[00:03:31] Jacob: Experienced in our in our life um being dj's you've been dj for quite some time you have a lot more years on me um but we'll start it out with Glow In The Dark so what is Glow In The Dark all right so So

[00:03:48] Brian: Last time that we that we had a podcast we had kelly our good friend he was on with us and we were talking about at the end of the podcast you know later Stages in your DJ career and wanting to be able to play you know The music that you like that you love that you want to share with people and as djs Um i'm going to be honest you know the Normal working dj isn't always playing 100 the Music that they really love or that they want to share with people and so you know what we talked about was a lot Of these guys that are getting long in the tooth you know I've been doing it doing this for 25 plus years um they start they start throwing their own night they start putting their own party together they start building um something that obviously You know they're the center entertainer for um but they allows them to Start exposing people to music that they love and start sharing it and if it's if it's huge that's great If it's not huge you know then

[00:04:59] Brian: You're still having a good time and you're still loving it and so Glow In The Dark for me Um you know i worked i'm really good Friends with the owners of a couple of venues in town And kind of pitched the idea to them saying hey i wanna you know it started out as a black light party and so it was something unique um and So we threw the first one and It was very mainstream um top 40 hip-hop You know the music really didn't differ From what the venue would normally be playing and so everybody loved it um the staff um Really loved it um you know tips were Astronomical uh the owners loved it the sales were great staff loved i mean the guests love it um it just went over really well so i got permission to do another one so the next one you know i um I anything that i do I want to make sure that the next time that i do it um that i'm challenging myself in some small way i Love that about you and not that i have to be you know the

[00:06:13] Brian: Best at um something but i definitely Um don't want to just do the same thing that i did last time um last time was successful um that's Great um but to basically hang our hat on Oh yeah we you know we did so well and there were so many people that came through the door last time that's not really what i'm about so and The second one that we did um i pushed um music programming a Little bit more um wasn't as mainstream um Had uh kelly um he came and did uh Basically the stage manager slash roadie for me helped me set up we brought in more equipment more lighting more complex lighting um more than just quote black lights um More sound um so then the third one um i Said you know how can we improve on it because the first two were just the quote dj Toasty show um i said you know let's pull people in that um i think are good um for the

[00:07:15] Brian: Event that can bring in energy and so um we booked kelly and kelly um i did an opening set kelly did a mid-set kind of warmed up and then i did a closing set and then we brought in way more lights and way more sound and so that's kind of where we're at and So then before kovid um we had one scheduled for april it was You know supposed to be quote my birthday party um we had an opportunity to link with you and so that was That was my opportunity i mean when we were going to do way more lights and we were going to bring in professional lasers and all that piece you know the production value but allowed me then to Work with multiple artists of Different skill sets and backgrounds And you know how to basically make the night with multiple people rather than just me quote controlling from start to finish and so that's a

[00:08:12] Brian: Skill set that i hadn't used for quite a while you know i used to be a music director and i would work with djs and you know let them know what to play and but um it had been a while since i had worked with multiple talented individuals that were actually performing and basically bringing them into what my Vision was and the cool thing is that You know you me and kelly we've had quite a long conversations um You know over beers over the past couple months And you know we've shared tidbits between each other of where i where i'm hoping that Glow In The Dark will go at some point so COVID hit Um and we had to postpone Uh the april show and um So we postponed it and we postponed it To september and it wasn't that big of a deal for me you know i it wasn't the end of the world but then obviously COVID extended a lot longer than we were anticipating and um so about july You know i was i was doing some live streaming uh stuff like most djs

[00:09:22] Brian: Just be able to get the creative juices going and Um i was i was actually watching um in zombiax streams so they're doing you know virtual edc and virtual beyond wonderland and virtual you know hard fest i mean they're just going all out and they're you know they're kicking ass um red cube out of portland you know they're doing live streams and they're you know they have it at 45 east and so they got all the lights and the lasers going and It was about the middle of july and you know my wife who is we've been married for 15 years um very Supportive of all my creative endeavors um she said You know you should you should do a live stream you should have you know you and kelly and jake because that's who you're gonna plan and we'll do a couple of lights you know and we'll make it happen well that really um was the wrong Thing to say because she planted that seed and i said yeah you're right we should do that and also and it turned Into you know i'm getting a variance meaning

[00:10:31] Brian: A license to be able to run high-level concert level lasers We upped the budget On the lighting rig out of portland we We so Up the lasers up the lighting rig We had kelly and you and then i said Well how are we going to capture it you know and i didn't want to i didn't want to do it live because i just saw that all the challenges Of doing a live event a live full production crew to run everything yeah and there's and there's three of us and one of us would always be DJing so it's really only two people running it and so my concern was is that something Would happen like we would put on this production and we would have hopefully you know being honest 50 to maybe 75 people watching it right and then something would happen and if something happened and it was you know something that jake who's DJing is the only person that could fix it just to me it didn't feel like a recipe for success and honestly i'm gonna tell you and

[00:11:40] Brian: I know red cube is doing their stuff live i don't think insomniac is doing their stuff live yeah are they saying they're doing it either no oh so they aren't saying that They are they are broadcasting they have changed a little bit and i believe that they are doing what we did which was they have a warehouse they have a bunch of djs they roll them through it might be four o'clock in the afternoon really and they're doing all of their post editing and then they're posting it later so um i just wanted a really good Product and something that i could you know as the producer of it be proud and so i just said we're gonna have to record it well then that opened up a whole new challenge because i've done lighting before i've used high-end blazers before Um you know i've done sound before i've done live streaming before and so um it opened up A whole new challenge that i'd never used um mirrorless um 4k high definition cameras like you use For shooting documentaries and you know

[00:12:49] Brian: All the recap videos that you see from these huge festivals you know that level of camera work that they're doing and so um i reached out to a friend Um that is a really big Documentaries videographer he's got A couple sundance appearances and Multitude of awards and couple tv shows On amazon um his name's anthony gainer very Good long term or very i've known him For a lot of years and i knew him from when i was in portland doing the music director um piece so he kind of just guided me a Little bit and then and the one piece of advice that i can i Can give people is that if you're going to somebody to ask them For help Don't the analogy that i always use Is don't go to them with a box of broken Parts and slide it across the desk and say fix this for me right um when you're talking to People that are very good at what they do And they don't have you know maybe a lot

[00:13:59] Brian: Of time or you don't have a lot of money let's say you know in my case i didn't have a lot of money in the in the budget to be able to go to him and say Hey can you tell me how to do all this you know this guy's his consulting rate is 100 an hour and i'm asking him for a bunch of free time And so the way that i approached it with him was that i did about two months of research like this what i Want to do how i want to do it these are what this is what reddit's saying this is what youtube videos are saying you know and i just kind of made a mental checklist and wrote everything out and i went to him and i said this is This is uh what i want to do And this is all the research that i've done and this were the direction i think i want to go is This correct and are there any blind spots that i'm not thinking about and i said and i will gladly i jokingly

[00:14:55] Brian: Said buy you a cup of coffee right well he came back and he basically redlined you know or checkmarked all of the stuff he didn't have to do any of the thinking right and he came back within 30 minutes you know he's like and don't Forget about this and you could try this and if you have any questions let me know and by the way don't worry about it but my normal rate's 100 an hour but you Know well i gave him a hundred dollars for his time and um so through the process of Planning for the event i hit him up multiple times i think um Ended up being three times total and i gave him i didn't give him a hundred dollars you know the second time i think it was like 25 because it was a text conversation right um and And had i gone to him and said you know hey i want to do this tell me how you do you in In a 30 minute email um i don't think it Would have been as successful so anyway we got through that and

[00:15:55] Brian: Um so we ended up getting all the Equipment in and um at the time it was just going to Be jake you know myself and kelly And i said you know to myself if we Are if we're taking all this time and effort and money i mean there was there was a rental cost to it um Why not instead of just having three artists have multiple artists and so you know i I tapped kelly and i said kelly i said this is you know i really need quality people i need you Know a good dj or good artist on top of the Three that we have now and just one it was twofold one i wanted I wanted more involvement because we're gonna have it all set up so why not record more people right Two if they were from out of town Because we're from southwest washington right it's a little bit different because if we're doing an event southwest washington and we're trying to get our homies to go to a show you know they've got maybe a 20-minute drive max

[00:17:02] Brian: Right so it's very regional but now we've gone to doing a streaming event Like anybody could watch it anybody you Know anybody in the world if they wanted to and so um you don't have any friends Tell anybody tell your grandma She'll like it maybe not the second set But for sexual so the You know it was it was a marketing piece as well i wanted to get more people involved so more people would be talking about it of course and more people regionally talking about it so kelly came up with um he's like oh we need to you know i'm talking with these guys for real and i'm like cool what's a sonic cloud link so you know i listen to it and i Stalk them you know and they're like oh they you know they did 30 so uh opening party and they've done This and they've got a couple trucks that they produced out right i'm like that's cool yeah let's do it right i mean if they Aren't 100 like legit on the dj aspect but you Know they've got 500 followers on soundcloud and

[00:18:11] Brian: They've put out some pretty cool trap music right i'm like let's do it they seem like cool guys right so we get Them on board and then and then we have um you actually reached out to brian um yeah Adastra and um You guys all went to school together or at least you went to Mark Morris right yeah i think he's a few years younger than me yeah but kelly's good friends with them too yeah and you're good friends with them and he's a producer and i didn't think anything of it you know he got put in the fold and And you know i basically had to sell it to him i'm like he's like what you know what are we doing it for and i said well i said you know there's no money uh because all the money's wrapped up in production i said you know they're deep down Um there's a whole Save Our Stages. com Movement going on where the federal Government hasn't provided a lot of financial support for many industries but including the live music industry and event venues um and so not so much

[00:19:18] Brian: Benefiting um me directly as As a event producer but You know i'm thinking as a consumer um If 45 east and portland goes away if q nightclub up in seattle all these venues all the Venues that have any shows in seven months right you can only hang on for so long um Seriously and so for me it allowed me to then Um kind of dovetail that into well let's promote Save Our Stages. com Save Our Stages is um a National effort from the nas national Um national independent Uh venue association neva niva And our stages. com is their Push and their grass roots lobbying to Our legislators to provide financial Assistance to venues that have been closed for the past seven months um and so that affects roseland you know It's just not edm uh venues uh roseland doug fur Mississippi studios um you know there's There's a lot of members that are part of this that they're not having touring acts coming through they're not having you know you can't have you can't have shows right now and so they have zero venue revenue coming in

[00:20:42] Brian: So um that's one of our goals with the Event is to be able to raise awareness for that but what i told Brian was that because he's like what are we doing it for i mean not sean like that he just wanted to understand where i was coming from and so he um i said you know Save Our Stages. com we're trying to Raise awareness for that i said honestly um uh kelly jake and i Um it's to be able to release some creativity whether or not it's from playing music to you know me being challenged um to kelly and jake being challenged To do Production pieces maybe that we haven't done before um so it was um You know it's i went to brian and i

[00:21:37] Brian: Was honest with them that you know there's no budget for artists nobody's getting paid there's no we haven't monetized this there's no plan of monetizing it um here's how what we're spending on the production it's going to be you know what i think is probably um within our means top notch um and i think it's going to be really fun and i would love to have you be a part of it um and so he definitely was um On board it was it was cool so we Um it was two weekends ago wasn't it

[00:22:10] Brian: Yeah two weekends ago so um the last weekend In august uh we did a load in um Of equipment on friday um all the Stuff got shipped in for the lasers and 4k Cameras and all the production and gimbals and all that and we got to figure out how to film With 4k cameras and um you know it was Me jake and kelly we did all the pre-production work um And i am I am beyond the moon i keep talking to kelly and jake about um what the final product was You know we have it is it is edited uh It's edited and sensed that um we Recorded the dj set it is the actual dj set um so there are Through and through and through you know there you can if you're a dj you're going to listen to it you're like oh they missed you know they missed that transition you know i have a couple flubs on mine um it's we were actually DJing there wasn't any yeah it's very uh it's very live um

[00:23:19] Jacob: And it's very raw and i'm and i'm super excited about every artist that was involved um it we were talking about This before we got started um you know you have that level Of production and lighting lasers and it looks great on film and it had we had any artists or dj that maybe Needed a little bit more time practicing you know i'm i feel that every artist That you're going to watch this weekend um or on replays if we can get it you know online to not get kicked off twitch and youtube oh my gosh yeah we'll talk about that too um i think that people are just going To be blown away the entire package is great Um considering that you know on a Production level um jake kelly and i are um I won't say we're amateurs i mean we have definitely experienced in the field but we're not doing big festivals yeah and we're not part of the insomniac crew you know and so Um i'm excited i'm super excited the

[00:24:26] Jacob: Process was very chat if i could talk the process was very challenging um i think for all of us um i think one of The fun parts was um every dj asked me well what type of Set do you want right and i did this on purpose Um i said I want you to play whatever you want All right you know it's like a golden ticket you're like it is like as a d when you're dj you're like what do you mean like but who's the audience right like and who do i need to please right with the music and you're like no do what you want to do please yourself it was and it was Cool i think that um i think every set reflected that 100 Percent because i you know kelly did in the Actual venue um with people in front of him um That it's not 100 edm crowd right um originally so Back in september um he of last year he um He did a set but it was very i don't Want to use the word safe but it was definitely

[00:25:36] Jacob: Targeted towards the people that he knew that was going to be there right you know and mine was it was i'm Going to be honest too it was safe yeah which is still Fun it is so great it is you know but And so what you mean by safe versus whatever you want is like so If i'm playing jake you have an hour and Just play whatever you want like sure i'm gonna like the popular lady gaga song if there's a cool remix of it like it's like oh cool that's great like i'm gonna love to play that out right but i have so many other sweet songs that nobody has ever heard that i have like found through crate digging and found through like our fun ways of finding music as a dj that would it would bump that lady gaga

[00:26:20] Brian: Mix quickly right you know what i mean so well and i think that you know this goes into a previous podcast that we have which was you know two for you and one for me two for you one for me and so when you when you have people in front of you that you are you know you're trying to please them you're trying to maintain our sales if it's that type of environment right we're not we're not big time festival djs where people are there to see you

[00:26:47] Jacob: Right and what you do and you know Listen to a set that has 90 of tracks That you produced um that's just not The world that we are at and so Um it was i think it was It was fun because i got to tell you guys to play whatever you want and then you guys all overthought it like everybody i don't Overthink what are you talking about I just remember it was i think it was Like four or five days out you know we're all in our group chat and i'm like how are you guys sets coming and you're like i'm i got a 185 songs And i can't peel them narrow down i love Them all yeah um i'm like how can i play 185 songs in one hour right how much faster can i mix well

[00:27:40] Jacob: What you do is you're you produce the event and then you do two sets that's i think okay that's what i did yeah because you so you had so you're first so for anybody who's gonna watch it um you had like a more house set i did it at the beginning and it was good it was really good um and then at the end you have your basics Like more your style which is really good it was they're both really good i love them both it was fun because um you know the cool Thing that jake did was i was so i think we're it was about Two weeks out and i'm I think you'll remember the text like i'm really overwhelmed right now and because i was not overthinking i was Just over planning every single aspect and i'm like Jake i really you know kelly i need you to take charge of something and i need jake i need you to take charge of something so i don't feel like i'm just everything is on me not that it once we

[00:28:38] Jacob: Got in the venue it was all hands on deck feels great but you know the pre-planning piece the majority of it up until that point was Toasty saying you know this is what we're going to do and i remember i think we were about three days out and having that conversation about you know 185 tracks and i said i might you know my base set was Um my closing set was um it's Pre-planned you know i picked out specific songs um I put them together i ran through it multiple times right um it's not like it's i'm Hitting play um but it's i definitely put those

[00:29:19] Brian: Pieces together and they match in key and the energy level you know you've played out that this song goes well with this song when i transition in these certain ways like sometimes the transitions will be different while you're replaying it live yes but a lot of times when you're making a set like this you're going through and you're like oh my god this song oh the word play on this song i'm going to nail it into the song and then you do it and you're like this sounds garbagey right so you learn yes and no and in the end when you have what's you know a pre-planned set isn't it sounds like i wish there was a better name for it but right well at least it's not pre-recorded yeah not pre-recorded basically you have a pre your playlist is in the order That you want to play those songs yes that's it yep but you know the house set we were The opening set i think it was like two

[00:30:08] Brian: Almost two days we were like right up on the deadline of what i would feel comfortable of okay i have a plan set and i'm like i think i'm gonna cut my you know my set even though all the ads And promotion said Toasty you know two sets that was that was a thing right and I just remember jake going i really hope that you do the second set like you should you should do it not knowing i mean he didn't know what was going to be in the set or what it was just like you should do it you should do it just like how can You antagonizing me you should do it so The you know the opening set is it's freestyled i put that together and i mean i had i had songs that i've been listening to for a couple weeks and like i really like these but all of it was it Was like if i was playing a house set for 50 People dancing it was it was cool it was really cool um but the one thing that happened It was it was really cool

[00:31:11] Brian: After everybody got off stage Everybody they were it was Exactly like they had just played a set in front of two three four five thousand people i'm Serious everybody as they got off stage were they were just walking on clouds and just amped up oh Great it was it was amazing and it accomplished i think what What our number one goal was which is the creativity aspect right you know yeah for me

[00:31:44] Brian: When it came to planning it because like you said i was texting like dude i haven't even it's like a few days out and i haven't even like narrowed it down you know i had a lot of my groupings done and i'm like okay these couple songs go together i didn't know how it was all gonna fit but i it's funny because you're like Free reign freeway and for like do what you want to do but and I'm like okay cool so i've done that before so like when i started out DJing with these outdoor renegade parties where we started with 150 people 200 people 300 people we had Up to 500 people at these like very illegal parties outside uh but they're Awesome and it was literally it was like there was some crowd pleasers for sure like i would like okay this song's hot right now you know i'm gonna i'm gonna throw this in and i'm gonna mix it out right um we can hear blue bark upstairs um but so it's like

[00:32:30] Jacob: I'm always trying to find songs that like i don't think anybody's really heard right i'm always trying to find remixes that i don't think anybody's heard i'm digging deep i'm trying to find them um but then what actually Helped for me a lot was when you named It Virtual Insanity yeah so it like it clicked for me and then you showed me the graphic too and i was like okay so it gave me it's like i had free reign and then you Helped me narrow it down when you're like Virtual Insanity and my brain's like oh i can get crazy right yeah you know so And it like and then when you listen back i think everybody sets kind of like flirt with that virtual Insanity piece of it yeah so no it's cool and And you know i have we were talking Before we got started um everybody so there's six sets You know there's five groups um And so when you're editing

[00:33:25] Jacob: You're having to watch through and there's multiple camera angles and so we have um you know we lovingly call it the booger cam so it's off the front of the mixer we have a gimbal which none of us had Operated at gimbal before gimbal is um a three-way access um Type device that keeps cameras uh smooth While you're moving around and it helps create some really cool shots um Yeah and then we have um two static cameras and so it's um it's I know all the sets in inside and out because i listened to them two or three times each um as i was Editing um and then as i was working the past couple weeks i've had them on private soundcloud and Listened through it multiple times so um i'm again i'm just excited um You know it's this weekend it's been a lot of work coming up to this um but there are There are some really cool things that i think are in the works beyond this um once we get out of kovid um you know

[00:34:32] Jacob: Everybody that's been involved like immediately we're like we need to do that again yeah like well hold on let's Let's broadcast the first one and then we'll uh you know maybe we can have some people in front of us next time that would that would be pretty awesome but we found a new event space that's another cool thing that's kind of come out of this um you know the owners they're like i think that we could do something here on a quarterly basis so i there's some there's definitely some Seeds that have been planted outside you know outside of the fact that we put together this super cool thing um hopefully people are going to watch it um if you go to glowingthedarkevents. com you can rsvp for it and what that will do is um send you to this the twitch stream um when it's when it's gonna broadcast So um saturday from 7 p. m Until last set starts at midnight so it Is it's definitely it's going to be a party so you know grab some beverages and some disco

[00:35:33] Brian: Lights and yeah get the big sound system so yeah that's what i was trying to encourage it was cool because i had a bunch of homies telling me and texted me and you know posting on socials and stuff and just trying to encourage that like dude get your closest homies together get your festival homies together right like get whoever you would normally like go to a show with or go see an artist with like get him Over to your house get 10 people five people whatever it is hook up that sound bar get the subs knocking get the lights going get the phillips hues on right or the go on amazon and order a 12 Disco light dump them yeah and it's It's going to be super cool i mean it is it's something and if you're listening to this after it's been premiered which it should be able to i think i think yeah i think what will happen is we'll go to Glow In The Dark events. com and then that'll that will be a jumping

[00:36:22] Brian: Point for hopefully being able to see them we're going through honestly we may edit this part out but we're going through some copyright challenges with youtube um so it's an Interesting world because um you know on twitch you're not Getting pulled twitch. tv which is a streaming service If people aren't familiar with that um normally created or is originally Created for people that are basically playing video games but then it's gone into with COVID with Musician musicians um djs But you still have copyright broadcast laws that you're trying to skirt around yeah which is like if you're unfamiliar with how the copyright situation goes it's basically like if i'm playing I'm a dj but i'm playing a drake song whether it's a remix or not i'm not drake i'm not was it was it universal that he

[00:37:19] Jacob: That he's under who i am so that you know basically like as an artist drake and his people they want to make sure he's getting paid every time his songs being played out and so they have algorithms that detect the sound they're like oh hey that's a drake song and it looks like your youtube account is not drake so see you later right you clipped well the cool thing is that i was finding is and there are some record labels that Their algorithm will find you know Not drake per se but let's say it's a b level artist an edm artist right not a mainstream or not a not a big time they'll flag the Stream or the video and say you know Um this is so and so And rather than pulling the video and Not allowing it to be broadcast they'll say that's fine you Can do it but you can't monetize it so anytime that you have you have a um an ad that plays during the video that money would normally go to the youtuber the person who posted the video Right well instead they redirect that to the artist

[00:38:24] Jacob: Record label which i think is great yeah that's how we should be leaning really i mean if they have dude if they have technology that is able to like filter every song that's ever played and get money in the pockets of the person who produced it like hell yeah i mean in there i'm going to as a dj like find some room for us somehow give me Like four cents or something i don't know like give me a cut but yeah copyright stuff sucks but it's Crazy too because i've done a lot of you know we did it two weekends ago it's been edited for about a week and so i've been doing a lot of test uploads because gosh forbid i don't want to come in saturday and start broadcasting and then having it yanked 15 minutes in that would be you know disheartening so it's interesting you see the youtube algorithm and it picks up

[00:39:14] Brian: Every single song that i played that kel's play that jake played and you're just like how you know technology-wise how the heck do you do that's so impressive and it's you know and i'm playing like heavy edits like with multiple songs that are in it that are mashed up and they're still like oh this is so-and-so with universal and this is so-and-so with you know capital records and twitter it's interesting to see it on the back end so we're definitely going to we made a shift to be exclusively on twitch um and i'm hoping That after we get done we'll be able to rebroadcast it on twitch so if you can't catch it Saturday don't feel like you're going to miss out and we are going to have the sets on soundcloud um and that you'll be able to reach that through glowingthedarkevents. com too I think they'll just be a nice jump off point have you been pinged on soundcloud at all no that's so have they been chill lately But they have been i've had fist fights with stupid soundcloud yeah i dude i have i have i have

[00:40:22] Brian: Uh probably eight or nine mixes you know And they're some of them are very mainstream clubby and some of them are very um you know dubstep trap and um i've had Any of them yanked now i don't have you know thousands of Followers either so i don't know if that plays into you know i've gone through multiple like through my what eight nine years of DJing i've gone through multiple soundcloud accounts and it's like so discouraging when you're sounding crowded account gets deleted right dude when my first one got deleted i don't know how many followers i had but it was a good amount and then you like think that like okay well my followers will re-follow the next one and like you don't even get 150th of your followers

[00:41:07] Jacob: Yeah so but i mean although they do have Other places like mix cloud i have a lot of my old catalog from mixes is up on mexicolad um so That's good we're gonna be able to listen back to him on soundcloud there's still a lot of people that use soundcloud yeah i can jam those out and those are good for running at the gym they're good for parties i like it good for anything Um so yeah man I feel like we covered that pretty well i'm very excited to do it i think that yeah you slide that on over to me It went really well like the energy in the room like saturday night i wish that Someone had just taken one like there was one extra person in the room who just walked around and watched we were like a band like whoever's on lights like I was just jamming on lights and then and then

[00:41:59] Brian: Melissa's next to me just killing it on the laser you're DJing kelly's on gimbal it's like all kind of new stuff for us in a way oh yeah it's and it's amazing that like we didn't have a major catastrophic something happen yeah That's true like i mean we you know i had all the artists in front of us i'm on saturday i gave you know a big Thank you for coming type speech and all of that we're gonna we're gonna do a pause real quick we'll edit this out okay Oh you're gonna oh i was like No i've literally taken bong rips on My podcast nice i mean so you know we're sitting in Front of everybody and i'm giving the big you know it's the big game speech and i said If you mess up if you mess up it 55 Minutes into your set i don't want you to worry about it we'll stop and we'll redo it right and so and i was serious i Mean we had enough slack in the in the timeline and because i wanted everybody to look good and sound good right and um

[00:43:12] Jacob: Like i said you know we start out you know with talking about their the mixes are live and there's There's spots that you know as perfectionists were like oh i wish that was just a little bit tighter you know but Um they're all great sets and we didn't have anything fail i mean we didn't have like cameras crash On us or lights that look bad or lasers that We're going out yeah i mean it was it Was great and so it was very rewarding Like i said we got off stage and of course we had we had kelly's huge Mains that you know we had angled we were that were angled up as monitors i mean we look like zomboy up there with you know with the huge old um they're called def Drummer is the normal monitoring term but um it was it was cool it was it was really cool and it was an amazing experience um You know i talked about um Magical and you know i'm sure people See my posts online and like what is this guy on you know it's it was It was extremely humbling um to have

[00:44:24] Jacob: Multiple people involved that didn't get I mean they didn't get they get paid they did not get paid um and there was no expectation to get Paid um and the whole creative process was Was really cool um you know we didn't

[00:44:42] Brian: You'll see in the video there was these really neat led lights that we'd never used before and so jake and i had to kind of figure out okay where are we going to put them how are we going to use them what are they going to look like and they look phenomenal on film it's like and we could have really just screwed up like put them in the wrong spot and just had horrible footage i mean just all the stars aligned um for it and there's you know there's New friendships that came out of it um like For real dude those guys are so dope yeah and they want to come back already like i've been i you know of course i'm excited about It so i've been showing them little teasers and i and we were doing some test streaming last weekend and kelly and i were texting and all sudden

[00:45:26] Brian: These other person jumps into the stream that you know it's a private account i'm like what the heck who are these guys and it's like oh it's for real oh man we can't wait to this looks awesome you know and they're all excited so i'm excited to definitely do it Again um i think that and everybody that was involved definitely wants to do it again and i think that hopefully people when they watch it this weekend they're like i want to go see that right in person yeah you know Definitely and i think and i think that's you know that's the next step once we get through this culvert craziness

[00:46:00] Brian: Yeah i think that i mean i'm sure that Anybody listening if even if they don't consider themselves like a creator or like an artist or any of those things that like we call ourselves or we try to be or whatever i think that they probably know somebody and they probably know somebody who's like you know that dude or that girl like if they're not able to create once in a while they go crazy like it's this outlet of like it's also it's This thing that you love to do like DJing for example like i love to dj but there's also like if i'm not DJing or creating Something i feel like i'm not fulfilling myself i feel like i'm going stir crazy i feel like i'm just like dude i gotta get this idea out of here and i got like because at all times my brain

[00:46:45] Brian: Is just populating cool brilliant ideas and when you're just stuck at home and you're not able to do any events so you're not able to do any of the things that you've practiced doing and being a professional at right like you go a little crazy so it's dude I was super grateful to be able to just creatively do something you know and it's in i felt like i started my dj journey like i Said like with those renegade parties uh you know as my alias dj kronos and And i feel like man i felt so fulfilled Doing those types of sets because i was like man this is you know it's This is i can mix these songs and i can put together specific songs in certain ways that nobody in the in the world is gonna do like but me and it's just this very it's really fun Because there's you know DJing for

[00:47:37] Brian: A crowd like you're getting paid at a club or a bar to dj yeah it's super fun and you could definitely make it your own you could definitely make it creative but there's only so many like edits or like playing with the songs that you can do for people like bro just play the song you know like the people just you know and you got to follow the trends you got to play what's popular right now you've got to do the correct throwbacks at the correct time of the night uh it's very Complicated yeah but it's exhausting too so i Like to compare it to like um uh and i've probably used this analogy on the on the podcast i don't even know if it's an analogy similarly but uh essentially like you're not going to when you're like okay we need someone to play acoustic guitar at our wedding

[00:48:20] Brian: Oh we know steve and he's the lead singer of the metal band he'll love to do it because it's a guitar and it's the same exact thing right you hit up steve and he's like dude i don't want to play acoustic guitar at your wedding i don't even play cozy guitar what are you talking about right like it's they're very different things they're actually had this recently um my mom i mean Lover of pieces she had a friend That um younger she's getting married And they knew who i was Um and oh we want brian to dj our Wedding I mean you don't it's not going to be Enjoyable for me you know and i'm not going to do a Good job honestly i mean let's i mean let's maybe phrase it in an appropriate way i'm not a wedding Dj anymore i used to be a wedding dj you know wedding djs are great at what they do yeah like i mean i've dj'd weddings it's a whole different side of me that you have to really like prepare like but and it's really important i

[00:49:27] Brian: Mean because you are it's you know quote it's very cliche but The most important day of you know the pride groom's lives yeah i do not really but But i mean that's the mindset and you know to have That pressure of not wanting to screw up i mean as pleasers we as djs we're all pleasers right i mean we definitely want we're There to please ourselves as well as that sounds but we're definitely there to fulfill something within us but we're definitely there to please the crowd right otherwise we wouldn't be doing it well if you look at a dj if you're ever at any club or bar you'll notice that every song they play they're taking a glance around every single song they play they're assessing the room okay make sure they're tapping their foot people aren't tapping their foot oh okay i went a little too hard into the trap genre it seems like maybe i'll let off on that gas pedal right um i'm just when you have the Freedom to create something artistically it's just so freeing you know i mean it's and it's

[00:50:24] Brian: When you're DJing a wedding i just you know you're going to play kenny logan's footloose right and it's michael jackson yeah exactly experiences But yeah so it's great and it's It's also a story i feel like a lot of the times if you list like so definitely with like my set definitely with kelly's like if you listen to any of his brain hack series like you definitely tell this is like right up in that line this is like a kell set and for me it was like i'm Definitely someone who i'm like if i have someone's attention how can i tell them a story like how can i have kind of reoccurring themes that like you only kind of get if you're listening intently you know and i'm pretty sure that the three of you guys have the same sort of thing it's like telling a short little story like here's what i'm trying to communicate you to you in this next hour but also you can dance your face off during sure well and it's you know for me it's um it's definitely energy flow You know so um i like to

[00:51:23] Brian: Raise and lower the energy level in a room you know and um especially when i'm when I'm doing uh clubs gigs you know i don't like i Said i'm trying to create my own party at This point so i've moved on from um I think doing you know club gigs for somebody else meaning top 40 hip-hop type based clubs but One thing that i that i that i know Personally and that i've with talking with guests at These places is people and i'm proud to say this People know uh a Toasty set people know

[00:52:03] Brian: Okay Toasty's here right and that's That's not being braggy it's just how i present myself and how i present the music and you know it's what type of remix and And what you know when i play the remix and what type of energy level i'm trying to achieve at a certain point in the night so um As an artist you know if you're if You're a live performer you know if you're playing an instrument you want people when they walk into a room not even looking up on stage or looking over into the corner and say oh that's so-and-so i know who that is Right and get a good feeling about it obviously but you know a warmth and like oh that's you know and that's what i've tried to do over my you know at least my club side not obviously weddings you know but um on the club side of things people Walk in and like all right we're here so i can tell

[00:53:01] Brian: Toasty's here you know and it's going to be a party dude i always love that i always love when uh like i'm playing at like the local bar and telling playing silverstar or something and i'm up in the corner and then like i'll have a homie just like you can i can see them coming up to me and they've been there for a while right they're like bro i didn't even realize this was you up here until i like listened to like they're just hanging out they just you know there's some dj of course but then after you know after a half hour they're like this guy's you know play the songs i like or whatever it is you know it's cool because djs are able to kind of you know we're playing other people's music right but you're still able to create your own style yep that's just so freaking cool Well it's like when you're digging for music like you know the way that you dig for music and the songs that you pick out are 100 different Than what i pick out you know i will

[00:53:55] Brian: You know at least in you know you people will hopefully be able to see in the in the sets on this weekend that you know all the i there are some remixes in there's some remixes of some popular songs there's you have remixes of popular songs right that um that it was um it was prince was It was erotic city right uh 1999 Oh it was uh it was prince but it was A girl well what's that why am i spacing It So good we'll edit it in later but that's not something that i would play i love it i absolutely love the track i love the remix right i love prince but i love the remix that he played but it's not it's not Toasty you're right you know what i mean and so Um but there's stuff that's in mine it's like you listen to it you're like You could dig it right but as a dj You're like yeah that's cool and i can see where people just lose their minds but that's not me right so it's as a dj we're not

[00:55:02] Brian: We're definitely playing other people's music but you know there's definitely a flare or a seasoning if you want to think of it that way that yeah that people are trying to do seasoning is perfect because we talk about taste i mean there's i you know you can For me i feel like and i think we may have talked about this on that last one too but it's just it's basically like transitions timing Taste yeah like those are kind of like You're kind of three like as a dj like i Mean because you could be playing the hottest songs but if you're playing them at 10 p. m and the club doesn't get there till 11 30 right you know like you gotta time it all and then your own taste like even when you're playing for a crowd that you're being paid for you uh or like a you know at like where

[00:55:48] Brian: You need to play what's popular right now right you're still going to have some taste you're not just going to go exactly on the spotify top and be like okay i'm going to make sure i play all 20 of these songs you know you're going to you're going to filter in your own taste and you're going to well you can you can but then you're just a jukebox yeah and djs are not a jukebox and And honestly djs that do that they're just like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna play off the hot 100. that's it that's it right it's boring there's not An i mean they're playing all the hits i mean hey there is there is a there's room for him you know it's I don't know how i feel about that but i don't think there is i mean i think about it like if i walk into pop-out yeah if i walk into a venue and it's like and i see i've seen you know in my music director experience

[00:56:34] Brian: I've worked with a lot of young djs i've mentored a lot of djs you know that's what they want to do you know like oh i want to be a hip-hop dj and i want to play all of the you know the bangers that's all i'm going to play like because i'm a hip-hop head i'm like well one there's a lot of hip-hop out there right There's um 80s hip-hop there's you know 90s There's golden arrow 2000s there's backpack hip-hop there's I mean there's so many you know there's west coast there's east coast there's now too there's a weird like bedroom hip-hop there's you know south hip-hop southern hip-hop i mean there's so many there's so much hip-hop out there just like there's so much edm so much house i mean so you know to say that oh you're gonna you know be the jammin 107.5 you know hip-hop dj and you're Going to play just those cuts right You're limiting yourself one and two

[00:57:28] Brian: You're it's kind of boring like i'm gonna you know because if you think about it like where hip-hop music is right now if you're gonna play like the hot 10 like half the night's gonna Be drake i know right and so sometimes Like if i look back at my set i'm like i just played so much drake tonight which is you know sometimes it works i like drake it used to be you know rihanna for me a couple years ago it's like there's so many songs that i play you know chris brown you're like so many songs and like that you could play besides that but It's you just i have no clue where we're Going with that but just cornering ourselves i was going to ask do you think that when you first started DJing how was

[00:58:11] Brian: Your taste horrible was it like what was it only were you trying to play only songs that you liked or what do you think you are because i think for me when i started going into it so i got into DJing because i discovered electronic music and i'm like holy mother of like nobody around me like i love it i want to share with you everybody to me i was like bro nobody in my hometown i mean there's probably plenty of people i just didn't know him but i was like my hometown has ever listened to any of this and like first thing i went once i went i went to rusco as my first show yeah and then i immediately like the next day and i was probably just super hungover but the next day i was like hit up all my homies i'm like dude there's this she's crazy you have no idea what's going on um and actually the shirt that i wore the wake the up shirt yeah for uh Uh Glow In The Dark was i purchased that

[00:58:56] Jacob: At my first rescue show really yeah so um so it's vintage it's a vintage shirt but uh so i was basically like i was you know i'd send it all my friends and they were like what this is crazy and then i discover another one my friends had just found like skrillex right you know and that was like the heat of it but i you know for me my taste was i was Like i just like dude you guys have to listen to stuff it makes you feel just another like this electronic i think i think i just called everything house or dubstep back then it was if it wasn't house it was dubstep right and there was the first three years where everybody thought everything i played was dubstep right i think i got hired for events and

[00:59:33] Brian: They would call them like dubstep party and i'm like wouldn't play any dubstep it would be like just a mix of all electronic but right but the taste was really formed from like as i started listening to any music like once you decide to be a dj and that you're going to show it to people anything i listen to i'm like is this something that i want to show other people is this something that i think that perhaps many people haven't heard or That it's something that's Because it changes over like over the course you start like okay oh i have this song that will go with this song and then i'm trying to get this sort of vibe but at the beginning it was all just like i would hear songs play it yeah they probably didn't go Together at all but right oh my gosh so you know i got I was DJing in high school um i started doing that um because i couldn't dance and i was Kind of a nerd and um you know i classically trained piano

[01:00:31] Brian: And bassoon and trombone and all that right and just kind of a music nerd um and I wanted to be involved with social stuff but i really was socially awkward and so I got into DJing and so i was working with a guy locally scott nettling with music more djs great guy And i said i you know i need to rent Some speakers for this high school dance that i'm doing at my high school and uh he uh He said well once just you know if he needs speakers once you take like my whole setup so like all of his music and all that right and i didn't have i'm not 16. i didn't have a huge music collection when that was back that was that even before the limewear no yeah there was there was no pirating going on it was it was all you had to purchase like sam goody and sam goody all of the you know all of The uh columbia house so you do a subscription for like 14 free cds for a penny all that jazz right so yeah so i got

[01:01:35] Brian: Into it and started doing high school dances and then he's like hey you know i know that you know how to use the equipment i need to do a wedding i'm like all right cool right so i started doing that and um you know i grew up listening to 60s 70s and 80s music because my folks their age and that kind of stuff and um really didn't So it was about 2 000 About 2 000. um i just moved back from Arizona um from a failed college career Um and i was in a venue And they were playing this is in 2000 In callouts county um they're playing house music and nobody liked it Everybody hated it um they're like What is this stuff and so the owners they were they were pretty progressive i mean they're they wanted to own a nightclub and they wanted to have um you know house djs and that was their Thing and who the dj was um

[01:02:44] Brian: It was jeff and micah and i can't remember their dj names and i'm gonna tag them in the podcast when it when it posts but it was hilarious because um i thought That they were garbage because i didn't like electronic music right and they weren't and they weren't keeping anybody there i'm gonna let you know that those two cats were really good house djs and i feel bad That i didn't realize it at the time um Because i'm in there and i'm you know punk Punk ass 22 year old and I've had a couple of red bull vodkas and I'm talking up the owners and i'm like yeah we need a top 40 dj in here if you guys want to like make any money And it was like the next weekend i Auditioned and did a top 40 set and people stuck around And they made money and those two guys Didn't get booked anymore So it was i just booted them because i played garbage top 40 and they wouldn't they you know they were playing what the owners wanted the owners wanted to have a progressive

[01:03:54] Brian: House based club this was in longview back in 2000 this was before the edm boom before all of it right that's just i mean dude you need an audience and they were playing vinyl you know and that's even more epic yeah it was great and i had no clue how to beat match like i was just doing the wedding reception fade in fade out um you know i reflect back now and i feel i mean i'm friends with them um on facebook and we chat hopefully Jeff's gonna watch this weekend i don't know mike after hearing that but uh He lost me a job yeah um But you know there's and they're both still in the scene and they're you know they um they do events they've been Doing streaming events you know they're definitely house heads and so um So at first i you know i was just playing garbage music i was just playing whatever kept people there to drink and then allowed me to drink um on top of it heavily um which is Where DJ Toasty uh came from So because my first night um

[01:04:58] Jacob: Well hold on it was it was the night before i um auditioned and i was in there And just got blasted you know i'm 21 i'm A punk kid um can't handle my liquor and Um bounce off every single wall as i'm Walking out and so the next night i walk in and you Know i'm hungover and i'm like all right let's do my you know audition and they're like well what's your dj name and it was something stupid i think it was like i'm gonna sheepishly admit this i Think it was like dj blaze it up stop yeah it was it was bad It was super bad right and i don't even smoke weed but i bet you if you looked it up right now there'd be like seven thousand dj right just on fire right So i so i told him i'm like yeah i think it's you know dj blaze it up And they're like no you're You're Toasty right and so this was The this is 2000 so you know 20 years Ago and so i just started getting into it Well then they brought a hip-hop dj up from

[01:06:07] Brian: Portland and he was really uh popular his name was dj kryptic um and Steve and he was a great vinyl dj great Great and um so i kind of got pushed Aside and but i still wanted to play right and so i started really getting in the house Jokingly i mean as i pushed the other house djs out and then i started going to shows in portland went to a couple of raves Um changed my perspective on music Um this will change your perspective on life yeah that's true there's nothing like walking out of an underground rave i'm in uh southeast portland at 5 30 in the Morning and the sun's out and i'm just gonna tell you that it was you know it was definitely um life-changing Yeah it was life-changing and there you know so i started really getting into um house Music and um i would open up the night and

[01:07:08] Brian: Then cryptic would uh do the hip-hop and keep the people there drinking right and then it i mean at the time i didn't realize this but it was smart by the owners about 1 30 i would do my closing set of House music right and it was horrible i couldn't beat match um i was a very crappy dj back in 2000 So just being a little humble here um but

[01:07:28] Brian: It would start people you know people that were in house music they're like yeah this is kind of cool and the other people that weren't they'd close their tabs out and go home right so it's in the industry it's called a soft close yeah hard closes people up yeah hard closes you go right up to 2 a. m you know you're going hard and you just flip on the lights and tell people to get the f out right so soft closes you start about 1 30 and Either start playing graphic music apparently that was house and me um or Um you start playing softer music and you bring the lights up slowly and then they push out but so it's just it was kind of how my role was um but um i think that Um it gave me an opportunity to you know Share music that i liked uh with people Um and you know i go to a show on friday

[01:08:17] Brian: Night and come back and think that i was at that time it was you know bad boy bill and richard vision and you know all those dj irene um all those fast mixing um Type you know early 90s late 2000s djs So i'd come back and try to do that in lawn view which it did not work at all you know hungover from the night before still so um but i think that gets into um You know some of the um the other things That we wanted to talk about yeah i think with i mean we did want to Cover i mean dude we look we work in the music industry like mental health for Any person who's creative for any person Who's artistic for any person who drinks or Smokes or does any sort of drugs Uh i mean like so did you I mean were you just doing like the

[01:09:14] Jacob: Typical like you were just partying at that time because i mean because i was partying a ton all the time too like i mean i was i was doing a ton of the same yes um and it's funny because it may be funny isn't the best word but like looking back it's kind of weird

[01:09:32] Brian: Because in the moment you're like dude i'm living my life i love my it's so great everything's going good and then when you retrospectively sometimes when you're like doing a little better or you're doing just elsewhere in your life you retrospectively glance back and you're like man i was kind of a show for a little bit there wasn't i like i was kind of like hiding from some stuff i didn't even know i was hiding from you know i was i mean it wasn't i would even use the word um beyond show i was i was a piece of yeah i mean really it was um You know you bring up self-reflection and you know i've been doing this 25 years um i have i won't say quote real job i have a Full-time job that pays for the house And the kids and you know the wife of 15 years and you know allows me to be uh stable Um but i look back And i just can't believe that That was the person that i used to be and you know i remember i remember I mean there was there was so much

[01:10:37] Brian: Partying going on so much and you get wrapped up in that That everything revolves around you That you know there's the club that I was spinning at had a capacity of about 250 people you know we were the hot spot In town so we were packed all the time at that Point you know i'm reflecting back now it didn't matter really what we played or how we played it we were just the spot right and so we could i was getting away with crummy mixing bad transitions you know

[01:11:09] Jacob: Yeah and it didn't matter um And then i was you know part of the party um you know i would start the night out with three other entertainment guys there and we start out with around a jaeger and the jaeger didn't stop all night and you know then there was um Mixed drinks and um you know it was It was not it wasn't good um because The problem that i had back Then you know and i've matured and And a little bit um And have established boundaries and Understanding self-understanding of you know who i am and what i need to do um I was just lost i was lost i was so much Into the party um there was one crazy night i I um i actually invited my mom She came down and she had some co-workers with her some girlfriends and you know she was up in the vip area and i came by and Part of my pay there was half trade And half cash and so you know i was There would be sometimes that my

[01:12:30] Brian: Paycheck would actually be negative like i would have drank more than the trade and what they owed me but i came up to my Mom and i'm like you know here try this like here try this and so like at 1 30 In the morning like the party's rocking and she kind of Stops me and she says you realize that You've come by 14 times And i said yeah she goes and those were All your drinks i got yeah she goes so you've had 14 Drinks either christ were you in your DJing Yeah how do you think your transitions were oh i'm sure i'm sure there were what if there's a recording that you were forced to listen to so it's funny you bring that up i actually found we were cleaning out the basement and i found an old cd um so that dates Me a cd case and it has a dj Toasty uh winter mix 2004 And it is hot garbage it Is it is horrible it is horrible but at The time i thought it was great i just i thought it was great um so yeah

[01:13:41] Brian: She uh she kind of called me out she goes you know you've had 14 drinks tonight and i'm like yeah and you know all these people are having a good time and it's i mean i was arrogant about it was bad like i'm winning mom don't you see right everybody's having a good time and this is you know my every time a good time because of me And you know that went on for A couple years and um I will i will let the audience speculate On how i could have had 14 drinks and still been sober So um you know you You want to keep the party going and you Know when you get up to a normal human gets up to about four or five drinks and you can't keep the party going so there was a lot of that and Um i'm gonna tell you that you know i Was not a good human being it was it was Um you know i look back now and um It's not something to be proud about um i know that we're jokingly talking about it but um

[01:14:49] Brian: You know that you just get so wrapped up in you know i'm a dj and i'm Throwing the party so i have to be part of the party and i remember sitting on The front porch of My wife and i's apartment at the time And um i'm loaded You know i think at the time i probably drove home um you know just bad decisions up and down and you know she just looks at me and She and she at first wanted to be part of the party she thought it was cool right she moved up and everything's cool and then she realized That i had a lot of problems because of All the partying so we're sitting on the Porch and of course i'm in a inebriated state you know and she goes Um i'm going to leave unless you do Something different so at that time i think it had been like four or five years of just DJing and partying Solid and that's what my identity was Was that i was a dj and i was going to Be a dj and um

[01:16:08] Brian: You know i just cried um i cried like a little baby um because you know i Snot nosed in her shoulder or i'm like i Don't know what i'm going to do you know i'm just a dj you know what else can i do yeah what else my eggs in this basket right that's all i'm good for whatever yeah that's all my worth Is that i am just a dj and But it was it was it was tough because There are so many things that came out of that time period um minus the fact that i had a Substance abuse problem and minus that i was an alcoholic right there were so many skill sets that i learned from being a dj and you know event programming Or event planning and Customer service and budgeting And event promotion and Marketing you know all those pieces that i wasn't just a dj i was doing all these other things as well um but I was just a dj that liked to party and if i could have removed that which i ended up doing um then it

[01:17:24] Brian: Allowed me to grow into the other pieces that i had Taken and so fortunately you know she didn't Leave and fortunately um i had an opportunity to change careers um and take a break from that Aspect i mean i and i still had um i I still um had Um drinking and subs abuse problems During that transition too um so it's It wasn't like it i just stopped DJing and then it then all that all those challenges went away um so It was uh it was nice to have obviously Someone um you know obviously my family and And others be able to support that decision that you know i couldn't be in that environment because it just it was toxic it was It was fun i was having a good time but Um it was it was not good yeah I mean but when it's dude it's like when it's always available when it's all especially when it's like half your pay it's like all you got to do is

[01:18:35] Brian: I mean we're creatures of habit that's for sure so that's a part of it but it's also kind of like environment plays a huge role in our actions oh yeah you know like and that's not to blame anything on our environments for sure but a lot of our like our sternness of like i don't want to you know it's monday or tuesday and you're like dude this weekend i'm going to stay away from that right or this weekend i'm only going to have two beers before i play or whatever it is but when you're there and then you know people are bringing you shots or someone's got the goods whatever it is it's Too easy to give in that moment and kind of forget like what your long-term goals of who you are well and any of those substances are obviously Used to be able to escape what You know you need to be working on um I always dread you know being Hungover because then the next day you're a slug and you lose that day You lose i mean depending on how Hard you go um you might lose 24 hours meaning not

[01:19:44] Brian: Productive at all right yeah so if If you know if you're losing 12 hours of life and you know one thing that as i have gotten older um when at least for me when i was Younger i didn't i'm seemed to Just not exist like You know party every weekend Um no there was There was time did not seem like it was Fine like it was going to end And as you get older Time seems to speed up So you know i'm 41 now And you know you have parents around you that are older you have kids you know that you have a daughter that's starting seventh grade and you have a son that's in fifth grade and it just felt like yesterday that you know they had water wings and they're in the pool um so one thing that Helps me now at least which I don't know it's kind of weird is the The fact that i'm aware of time like time is super important to Me um whether or not it's um Creative active create creative

[01:21:08] Brian: Activities that i put my time and effort into whether or not it's helping people out as crummy as that sounds um You know work um if Something is taking up my time it has to Be worth something to me and it doesn't have to be monetary you know like the Glow In The Dark uh obviously was not monetary you know we spent um quite a bit of money on it um I'm not going to get anything Back from that cash wise right let's Let's define that very clearly right But i am going to get an immense amount Of friendship out of it uh art our artistic Creativity um future opportunities with Other creative endeavors so that's something that you know i'll sink my time into um people hitting me up and asking me if I can fix their computer you know that's my time is worth a Certain amount of money and so you know we i need to make sure That i'm getting paid For those types of things but um I think that i like to remind myself

[01:22:27] Brian: And something that you know it like took me a while to figure out myself but Money is not the only currency not you Know in i think as an individual it's up to You to choose what are currency what's a currency to you what are you spending what's what's in your wallet right like because we each have different things like you know at the beginning conversation we're talking about how like i'm not only i feel less crazy when I'm able to do something artistic but it's also it's something that fills me up it's like when i'm done do it like after i'm done with my set i'm like cool like do you know it's not like okay i'm ready to die right now like i'm fulfilled i'm so happy like i'm just enlightened whatever it's just like you're gonna Come to a point in your life when you're like what did i care about what did i spend my time doing what did i did i really fill up what i wanted to do And i think that a lot of us never have a chance to or we

[01:23:22] Brian: Never stop enough to see time and be like What do i want what do i want out of this right and it's too easy to kind of take the take the treats take they're like hey why don't you just drink one like it could be fun just this weekend sure um yeah it builds up i think that uh Thanks for sharing all that too by the way man this is super great i For me um It's hard to quantify i mean i I think once i have a little more distance from because i definitely had my times Of where it'd be a few years of like when we're doing those outdoor parties like the like driving after drinking at

[01:24:06] Brian: The end of the night substances at the end of the night um not wanting the party to end and these things started to add up for me like after a couple years for me it would be like that hangover the next day would turn into depression that i didn't know was depression i was like i thought that i was my thoughts i thought that i was deserved everything that i thought about myself like all these things um and We get caught in our own identities Don't we like it's so weird like we're like you've probably experienced you know like when especially when it's your hometown and it's this small town situation people are chanting your name your dj name right like that's like this weird unhealthy thing It is like in it and it fuels Everything that you do so if they're chanting kronos and i'm like what does chronos mean to them well i got i better make sure i'm representing that i better make sure i'm going him i better make sure i'm doing this like and then um and then for me i started

[01:25:04] Brian: Dealing with like on top of the depression i started dealing with social anxiety like while i'm on stage And so you know a couple more beers feels good right or a little line feels good gets you to get you to zone in you know i when i was when i was in Portland i was you know working for um a big restaurant group down there The i remember I remember the first Set that i did for the club and this This club was top 10 um nightclubs in united states Back in um between 2005 and 2006. And so i mean it's it wasn't a mega club But its capacity was i think like 800 and we'd pack in like 1100 people right and my first set was Um ufc had played at The it was rose quarter at that Point wasn't modem i'd have been modem we had the quote Official and it was official after our or after Party for usc when they performed or when they Fought i don't i guess they don't perform when they fight uh in portland right there's 1100 people

[01:26:23] Brian: In the building 1100 people and it was the most people that i'd ever dj'd for right and i just stepped up and i did a Set um and it was it was all right it was good i mean but i played the right songs at the right times and that and that energy level right so We did we had that night and um The owners you know the there was an Issue with the existing music director and he went on vacation he didn't come back from vacation so yeah so you know you talk about Um arrogance Like you know i do that set and then they get rid of that guy and for whatever reason and then i I try to remember i think it was three Or four months later i kind of had to prove my worth right and so then i was the music director and I'm going to tell you that there was a lot of a lot of arrogance A lot of arrogance and i was drinking And i just wasn't a nice person i wasn't A good human it was you know i had this facade um

[01:27:36] Brian: That i wanted to help people out and i wanted to you know help them be successful and you know teaching younger djs how to dj but It was it was all look at me My most important you know i wanted to Establish my name you know i had all these grandiose ideas that i was gonna become a touring dj and all this other stuff right And a lot of that was fueled from The fact that i was drinking you know and I was making good money but we never had any money you know um so that tells you anything It's

[01:28:17] Brian: Again it's interesting you know you get in those situations where you feel that you are important Right and you're important because of quote maybe who you are or what you do or how you do it and at The end of the day um i wasn't important i mean i mean As a human i'm important of course but In that situation i was just another Dj i was just another music director right and you can work hard at your job and do your job well um but god if you're a prick to people Does it really matter you know i was Making okay money meaning above average money and i was The center of attention and i was helping running the music department for you know multiple um calm stores but Multiple bars you know you look back You're like does it does that really matter would it have been better if i would have been better to other people and not drinking As much and you know home more often And watch my kids grow You know as infants more rather than just working all the time and you know it plays into um

[01:29:38] Brian: You know your mental health and how you know your stability and i think you know when you are So wrapped up in what you're doing And using Heavily whether or not that's legal substances really or illegal substances And you lose focus of what Is important like you're focusing on the wrong things And instead of You know you know to basically pull your head up and look around and take a deep breath and see what Is important um and i think that Substance abuse and you know Drinking too much whether or not it's abuse or addiction um and that's a fine line for people um it's not It's not good and You know the nice thing for me is that i that i have made it through those different stages in my life um and the nice thing is that i can

[01:30:51] Brian: Reflect back and say you know I don't ever want to be that person again that's i mean besides The different skills and experiences That you get from different stages in your life um i can self-reflect and think That like i said looking back I don't ever want to be that person again right you know i don't want to ever be um that Toasty again DJ Toasty yeah um Because there's definitely You know i think that if you talk to different people in different stages in my life you know As an artist as a dj as a human Um i'm very much a different person In each one each one of those stages and I don't know i think that it helps you become stronger um with growing from Those opportunities you know i have the One opportunity which was um on the on the porch at the apartment You know and i need to do something different because this isn't working um and I at the time realized that you know All i am as a dj which wasn't true i wasn't just a dj um that was a moment um i think that

[01:32:18] Brian: Um when the company that i was working For at the time closed that nightclub Because it wasn't doing as well um and then my identity was gone And they you know they came to me and said hey we're gonna keep you on but we're gonna have to reduce your pay because well we don't have this big nightclub right um it made me Rethink a lot of things like okay well if i'm I need to go do something different and so you know those are all chapters in our lives and it's helped me Try to remember what is important and Like i said looking back at you know that story of walking up with 14 drinks to my mom i Would i would never ever do that again

[01:33:11] Jacob: Ever you know yeah i mean it's crazy because that really is just like uh like you said you know if you talk to different people at different times your life they'd have a you know different opinion of you they've met a different side of you know but the truth of life is those have all been you know those have all been that's true like those have all been like part of your journey but like the fact that you're willing and able to intelligently Like at this point in your life you come On a podcast and talk about it sure you know because you know that it's going to be beneficial to other people well i mean think of your nice relationship yeah like you and i first met it was at The casino right and you were The guy right and i'm nobody And i'm coming in and i'm basically you know buffing my chest out and you're like who's this guy right and like you're first interaction Is definitely not what we have now

[01:34:08] Jacob: And what i remember about you at that point in time is totally different from what you and i have right now so i was being strangled by my ego i don't even know what it was right yeah i mean well and that's the thing so So for me i've had Because it's hard because i think once you get more retrospect once you get a little more distance you can look back and be like dude these are the definitive moments where it was like you got to get your together you got to do this like for me i had a few years back where i was doing Too much blow yeah and i had a time where It was this weird thing and i've talked about it on here before and i basically so i've never been someone who Like i never got like trashed like i've never been like

[01:34:55] Brian: Like i was usually able to like say no to the shots or uh you know i wasn't everybody like i would never get like super up but also you know there's the other things that involved that keep you not super up right of course but so i for my definitive moment was shaylee and i were i wasn't even working i was just out at a bar um we were just hanging out we're having a good time and it was just like people's birthday i randomly i didn't plan on it but people bought me more shots than i planned on drinking that night right i go to get behind the wheel and i'm driving chilly and i had blow So i pulled out my pocket and i did a bump before i drove to you know so i can drive better right and like i did it and i was like i have this clarity of like what the

[01:35:35] Brian: Have i made normal what am i'm just looking at this wonderful person next to me i'm just like what if i just made norm like she didn't bad nigh because it was something like didn't do it all the time but she was like okay i get it i guess you know right like what have i made normal to this person and so i think something important that we Could dig a little more into is how do we How do we speak to i mean i know it's coded right now there's nobody who's DJing and doing bumps before the bar right now but like how do we because what the ego does is it keeps your identity exactly what it is because it's safe and it's good and people are changing your name so why would you change and it'll protect you and it'll keep you in these same habits and it'll make you miss these wonderful beautiful life opportunities of that light bulb of like what are you doing you knucklehead right like or you know like are you gonna keep drinking or like your moment on the porch so I guess

[01:36:33] Brian: You know talking about just change you know because change is something that sometimes you don't realize it's happening until you have that distance from it you're looking back How Sp you now at this age speaking to Not necessarily like your younger self but like a younger dj in the same Scenario sure how do you tell him to hey man Don't forget to see those flashes don't forget to see those signs that are trying like because There's this thing where it's like uh was it like you What like a i'm trying not to say yolo

[01:37:14] Brian: So bad right now god damn it but like the you know like those moments we're like bro i'm here for a good time not a long time and you pour another shot and like but at some point you know you're you've just done your life doing that you've just lived your life doing that so how do we make sure that young people who are in the music industry who are maybe not djs maybe they're musicians maybe they're maybe they're just bartenders who whatever we're in the scenario and it's very easy to fall into these things where you're living in the blur right you don't see the change i think That i mean for me um i Really try to get active there's two Things at least in my mindset there's Activities um that don't revolve around You know partying so whether or not That's it's going to sound corny but you know going on a hike or um watching netflix with With you're saying if another or um you Know if you got kids you know for me i was um coaching

[01:38:22] Brian: You know so i coached soccer and i coached basketball and um it's doing Activities that don't center around Using substances partying you know and Um you know i'll throw it out there the The guys that you know drank guys and gals that you know partied in high school and then partied out of high school and then they're playing softball every Week right in adult league and they got Big old cooler of beer while they're playing softball and you know obviously beer is a social you know lubricant and And you know it's accepted but like if You're doing it all the time and every activity that you Have revolves around that aspect of it Like oh we're gonna have fourth july party gotta have cooler beer oh we're gonna go in camping oh gotta have cooler beer oh we're gonna go play softball gotta have cooler beer oh we're gonna go play cornhole gotta have cooler beer You know there's nothing wrong with beer i mean i trust me i drink my fair share but i think that That if you want to break free from that cycle you need to find activities that don't

[01:39:39] Brian: 100 revolve around that yeah um i think the second aspect is that you need to surround yourself with With people who are genuinely Interested in your health and well-being That's a big one and whether or not You know i'm very fortunate um it's A lot of work but i'm very fortunate to be married for 15 years um so if It's a life partner um That you know is super important If you are single and you have kids you Know if it's your kids that you are building relationships With and activities that do not involve Obviously partying If it's being around creatives That push you and that have an Expectation you know that Um you're gonna be at a certain spot at a certain time and they'll call you out on that type of stuff so if you go out partying the night before and i feel kind of sheepish bring this up but you know you go you go Drink too many beers on a saturday night you know like i did last weekend and You're supposed to have a podcast on sunday right and uh with a good friend and you

[01:41:03] Brian: Know you text him or your good friend texts You because he's really looking forward to doing the podcast and it's something that you've talked about been doing you know and then you have to text him back at 7 30 in the morning because he's excited he's up he's ready to go he's expecting you probably around 10 have a cup of coffee get ready to go and you got to text him back and you know you got to feel like a little bit of a piece of you do because you got to say yeah you know i drank too much last night i'm really hungover i'm gonna be a slug today but what you should do is you shouldn't Like you should feel guilty you should Guilt is a good motivator right because you let somebody down um you know you try to make it up but You're never going to get that back you're never going to get back the excitement that person was giving you at 7 30 in the morning

[01:41:59] Brian: And then you text them back at you know nine and like i'm not gonna make it bro you know you can't do that to somebody Too many times until they won't text you anymore right and so i think that it's you know it's Two things it's finding activities and that was you know that was my i'm sorry Father i've sinned session but um i think that there's two things i think that there's finding activities that don't 100 revolve around using substances and partying and staying up all night and you know the nightlife piece and i think That there's surrounding yourself with people that Help you become successful humans and whether or Not that's people that hold you accountable people that you respect and you don't want to let down It's not always someone that you know is your mentor Or someone who is you know like a brother to you or what it may be but someone that you're you don't want to let down or someone that you care about and so you know check in on them and um

[01:43:04] Brian: I feel like i'm babbling a little bit but well i think that's how you You know i way back when i mean this Is you know 25 or 20 years ago i had a dui Because that's just what happens when you live that lifestyle and you're responsible and i went to Aaa meetings and i hated it because Everybody around me was at the very bottom of the barrel you know in the in their life like they had hit rock bottom and not that they're bad People just they'd hit rock bottom and i couldn't relate with them um Because i hadn't i hadn't lost anything like i was you know i still had i can't Remember if we're engaged or not yet either engaged or still have The girlfriend you know had supportive family um i didn't lose anything you know i didn't hit anybody i didn't fortunately you know get in an accident And kill anybody or anybody else right so it was really hard for me to be able to relate um with the fact that i had a substance abuse problem but i was court ordered to go to these

[01:44:13] Brian: Meetings and i couldn't relate with anybody and i Think the not the point because it was a Very long journey it wasn't like overnight um but things started getting better and i was able to um manage If that's even the correct term things better when i started aligning myself with people that i Didn't want to let down That i wanted to Have them be proud of what i was doing And whether or not that was you know my mom and dad whether or not that was uh managers or Mentors at work um i just i got in the mindset where i'm like you know i don't wanna i wanna be a good human um what i'm Doing now is not being a good human and Um i don't want to let these people down right um well Well so i think those are all great Because i think that when you could lean on other people when you can there's this like just magnificent power In allowing yourself to just for a Second just for a minute just for a morning to

[01:45:31] Brian: See yourself through the eyes of other people because there's a lot of people who probably think that you're incredible amazing you know like in and when you can like when you can kind of give yourself you know what like you know don't touch your own horn don't stroke your ego but like when you can try to live up to what they think that you are right rather than just trying to like keep that facade up um i wanted to back up a little bit Because and i don't have an answer for this so we might have to stumble through it sure but uh and we are getting up here in time so we'll get up here with this but um that morning after The sunday so for me

[01:46:10] Jacob: That's when the suicidal thoughts were the heaviest just you feel the guilt from whatever you did the night before you feel the guilt for like just because you feel shitty you have zero serotonin You have no access to any like logical Thoughts in your head right um how do we transfer That guilt because the guilt for me what What i would like anything that would happen for me would be guilt shame and i would just Feed it back to myself and i would just i mean sometimes i'd have multiple days of just like i wouldn't text somebody back and i'm just like hating myself and blah i didn't allow that guilt to turn into a Motivator because i think the beautiful thing about like the human psyche is guilt and shame and that like just a Little bit of regret um like listen you got to live your life and you're not always going to show up to every single meeting like you're just living you're trying to figure this out just like everybody else's but there is this i feel like now i'm able

[01:47:11] Brian: To listen to like oh man i wish i did that differently and i'm not i don't i don't throw a pity party for myself anymore i don't throw this i don't stay in that i don't try to like oh that feeling really hurts to think about so i'm going to do whatever i can to not think about i'm trying to keep busy i'm going to try to keep drinking or i'm going to try to i'm going to do a line or i'm going to take it take a hit a week so i don't feel it or whatever it is how do we take that That morning after or maybe even the end of the night when you go home um because Because i'm trying to think of if i was listening to this like five years ago i think that i would Feel i would i would vibrate with what You're saying i would agree but i think that it would

[01:47:57] Brian: Hurt too bad instantly that i would find ways that i'd say that ain't me sure um so i guess and this is what i'm saying like i have no idea how to transfer this but how do we turn that guilt into not a pity party not a hey it's like don't hate yourself hating yourself is not cool hating yourself is not okay it's not it's not um going to help you Uh but how do we transfer that Gift of guilt and shame right to Like motivate her like well I think that you know i mean we can We can continue to talk about this weekend i think that's appropriate um You know sunday rolls around it's not Going to happen feel guilty about it right um i know That and i feel guilty about it because i know that you needed this as much as i needed this i needed it for other reasons you needed it for other reasons right and so i think that what you do Is you say okay You basically raise your hand and say i messed up right like i know that

[01:49:08] Jacob: I messed up in whatever aspect whether or not you had too much drink and you threw up you know on your friend's shoe or you know or you said something silly to you know your significant other that you shouldn't have whatever it is rather than just saying Focusing on you know what i'm a real piece of because all that's going to do is going to turn it inward and you're going to continue to say yeah you are a piece of and you know you we should have you know have a beer you know or just Reify that piece of shitness right don't do that i think i think what you do is you basically raise your hand and say you know like i said you messed up and you made a mistake and because I care and love about that person or i Want to be a good human or whatever the instance is that you Promise yourself that you're going to Make up for it now you know there's Some things obviously that you just can't make up for like if you do something and it's

[01:50:10] Jacob: So it's a doozy um there's no amount of Fixing that you're going to be able to do on it um but i think that a big part of Becoming i hate to work use the word adult but you know a productive human being and a good human being is understanding that you're going to make mistakes that um there is nobody that is perfect In this world we're all just trying to figure this out and i'm gonna let you know you know i'm 41. um i still haven't figured it out and I still haven't figured out what i'm what i want to do in life meaning you know as a job and i Have a fairly decent career already um i I think that there's just I don't feel like i've figured it out although people on the outside may look in and say man you have it all together so again i you know i'll go back to You know that point in the night where it's the end of the night or you know it's the

[01:51:22] Brian: 7 30 in the morning you're cracking your eyelids open you're like oh my gosh what did i do last night why did i do that you know um i think that It's admitting that It i'm not going to say the cliche meaning that you have a problem admitting that you are that you Have flaws that you are that you're not perfect um And the only thing that you can do honestly to be able to address those flaws Is to try to be better And you know whether or not that is the The mindset that i take with the event promotions that i do try to be better each time whether or not that's um establishing New friendships and relationships Whether or not they're business or just personal how can i make this Better and i'm going to tell you that You know drinking a bunch of alcohol and doing a bunch a bunch of substances doesn't isn't going to make things better and so um I think honestly it's a mindset and it's a constant mindset of how do i do things better like how do i

[01:52:39] Brian: Get better right how do you know whether or not it's i'm shooting a basketball hoop or basketball or DJing or establishing you know Friendships or like okay i did this last time and And it worked out okay but you know how do i do it better next time um but again i'm You know i think we're kind of bumping around on it is if you make a mistake If you mess up As much as it might hurt went up to it Raise your hand tell the person you're sorry jake i'm sorry for missing sunday Okay and then and then you move on right you don't and now you don't get to apologize over and over and over again yeah but Next time that happens it hopefully Won't happen right and you know what in whatever Aspect whether or not it's that specific story that you and i are lamenting on or other aspects that's just low-hanging fruit yeah it was not a big deal i used just it was a big deal to me wow i

[01:53:43] Jacob: Mean it was uh as things were going in my mental those both of those days you know it's not a big deal but i love that you were able to take the most recent um experience and put that put those lenses on it i think that i mean for any like continuous listeners of the podcast I'm gonna just push in the old self-love thing Here i mean that's to me before i discovered like caring About myself and self-love and like learning that i'm just living through my ego and i shouldn't do that right um like i wasn't able to like Even begin to forgive myself in the Morning like in anything you do or it's like dude i drove home up last night i'm such a piece of and you just like bury that in you just like even the thought starts to hurt you and so you just like do whatever you can and not like i'm gonna try to go back to sleep right i'm gonna try i'm gonna ignore my friend's text i'm gonna like whatever it is i think that you know this life can be so hard and

[01:54:47] Jacob: Especially like you know we're sack of habits sometimes we get we get caught up in the wrong habits and we get caught up in the wrong um decisions and sometimes we even get caught up in just once in a while you make a little mistake whatever it is but i think that when you give yourself a little grace in the morning you know and own up to it and feel That feeling of guilt and feel that feeling of like okay i don't want to do that and then maybe ask back to yourself like uh ask back to yourself say oh that's Good say what What is it about that i didn't like and how like actionable how do i avoid doing That again and maybe the answer is as simple as like Man i you know i want to have fun i want to have some drinks but like instead of having six beers i'm gonna have five right you know like whatever it can be to where next weekend or three weeks or

[01:55:39] Jacob: Whatever it is when you start you start getting down that same path you can recognize your own patterns right you know before you have to feel that because the gift of the morning after is Like you'd have lessons that you can take or you know but the thing is those lessons are painful those lessons like when you admit to them when you when you feel them when you experience them For what they are like i would get caught up in uh the Shame of it and i would i would hate myself so much and i would identify with that hate and i would just like try to try to add more mean words to myself to make my like you deserve to feel this you deserve to feel that well and i and i think spirals i think that you Know and i and i wanted to touch on this you know because it's uh suicide awareness month um and i think it's important and i I think that and i haven't shared this with a ton of people um i think that

[01:56:36] Jacob: The challenge that you face is you talk you're talking about self-love right and you have to you have to and i agree i 100 agree with that statement is that you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else or you can allow other people to love you because once you have self-love you understand how you want to be treated and how you want people to love you right if you don't even know how to love yourself how are you going to express and Show other people how you want to be loved right so there's definitely that aspect um but I think that there is um there is um You have to be self-disciplined um and Self-discipline for me is um you have to You know i'll go back to the common theme of raising your hand admitting that you made a mistake right so um i will share a story um If you're listening um it's um it's Maybe a trigger so um when i went to College um i went down to arizona um Parents paid for everything um shipped Me down there and it was just a free-for-all it was a

[01:57:53] Jacob: Party and i had a really good time And i wasn't very responsible at all And i came back um I'm back up a little bit so my um My folks flew down and we got my Grades for the first quarter and i had failed out of every single class and So um we flew back i visited Um and I was um instead of You know self-reflecting and saying how am i gonna do better and you know i really did mess up um I drank like fish And um I was out in my parents Shop and even though i wasn't directly Saying i'm going to take my life I was playing with a handgun in a Way that um that a mentally healthy Person i would not do and Um basically was um I was playing with firearm in a way that i shouldn't have and the firearm went off And i have a beautiful Reminder scar on the very front of My top of my hairline where I at the time it was explained to me That it would have been a millimeter Closer and it would have um not been as easy

[01:59:50] Jacob: Um as what occurred And i remember um Walking into the house and um Calling up to my folks because they were both sleeping and um i have i'm obviously a You know wound on my head and There's blood all over the place and calling Up to my folks and letting him know that i had um shot myself And i'm gonna tell you that it's um It's a very humbling experience when your father you know you're I remember i think it was 19 and your Father um is holding you um in his arms And you know it wasn't a fatal wound Um i was very lucky um it wasn't beyond anything than a graze um you know and he's crying and So um it was Um you know it was an Eye-opener um it didn't it didn't set me On my path um of being a good human yet Um but it is for me you know very much A reminder of Um what not to do and What that not to do was is It revolves around um Not taking uh personal responsibility Um for what i was doing

[02:01:32] Jacob: And at that time i was partying And not going to class and not studying And not doing um things that Um you know we're going to help me be a Better human we're going to make people that loved me um you know my blood love but Um also other friends to have them Um be proud of You know the efforts that i was doing It was It's you know it's very much a corner cornerstone of how i operate um but it's It's important for me to remember that At that time i was not being um Responsible i was not taking Steps towards being healthy and i didn't Take personal responsibility for the fact that i had failed out of school And you know that i had blown all this money that my folks had paid for and um So it like i said it didn't After the instance happened and you know there was a um there was lots of doctors Appointments after that and lots of therapy um You know it didn't change unfortunately who i was at that time um which people from the outside

[02:03:06] Jacob: Reflecting in maybe would think you know how could i have done that and then still just continue down that path um but it's you know Two things um from sharing that story publicly is that Um there is Never anything in the world that Um is ever worth um Not being here um And the second thing is that um There is um Importance in Taking acceptance for the fact that you are making mistakes and realizing that you are making mistakes and how you can be better To not make those mistakes i guess is The point that i'm trying to make with With that yeah man That's powerful thank you so much for sharing that got to me man it's uh That's super powerful for you to share that i think that i think that probably more people than you can imagine can relate with something similar along those lines just the that's just that's just one of them yeah i actually have two attempts but we'll share the other one for another day but it's maybe next podcast yeah it's uh that dude that like

[02:04:30] Jacob: Just imagining like you just you're saying the word carelessness you know being when You i mean you're a very smart person now i imagine you've always been smart enough to know that you're A handgun is the serious thing you know there's some sort of underlying weirdness With that carelessness you know even at that age you know and as someone who has i've experienced my own um carelessness With handguns myself with my own suicidal thoughts so um i mean I think that a lot of times There's something here like i don't Want to get like spiritual religious or like say god's knocking on the door or any of that you know i don't want to miss anybody who that doesn't resonate with but you know sometimes there's signals there's signs there's things where it's like come on man i want more for myself right i want more for myself and i think that any listener who has been in any sort of similar situation like you deserve to have that self-love You deserve to say like if you get there

[02:05:40] Brian: And this has happened to you as something similar has happened to you've gotten yourself in your own hands careless handgun situation Listen to that voice that says What's up here what's going on what am i doing do i really want this and i think that you know any Uh and i'm sure that anybody has been Um in that mindset It's not even depth because you know people's depressions are all different and the amount of depression that someone's in is a totally different story than somebody else and the amount of depression that you may be in is way different than you know the experience that i had i Think that what we can't discount though is that it's extremely difficult and challenging when you get In that mind space to get out of that mind space like you Don't feel like anything that you do Or say is going to fix What happened or what's happening to you And For me because that's a cornerstone of How i try to now try to treat people And why i reach out you know to people

[02:07:01] Jacob: That i'm concerned about or that i care about or that i love about or that i love is i know what it's like when You're in that spot and you don't Even though you're totally surrounded like you know i don't have a broken home i have two parents and you know we were middle class and like i didn't have a bad upbringing And so all those things even then Didn't make me quote successful In what was happening and so I think that for me because it's a cornerstone and it's not just to bring it up because it's you know september and it's suicide awareness month It is literally a driver for me now i'm Not a counselor okay i didn't go into that field um Just not who i am but It does drive The relationships and the communications And the type of communications that i have with other humans Because i know that there are times when People are in that spot and nobody knows it and nobody knows it and They don't say anything and then they're Not here And they can't see it

[02:08:37] Jacob: But other people see it i've had multiple people that i have like really like they're Gone like why yeah you know and from From people who are close to not so close just acquaintances and you're like but they were such a Cool person and i think that it's It's important to continually reach out To people that are have been friends For a very brief time to homies And friends that you've known for years that you haven't talked to even if it's a hey how you doing And Ultimately as humans we all want to Feel like we're loved And i it's a basic need it's a Basic need of mine You know and i have a wonderful family And i have i have you know wonderful Parents and i know that i'm loved But When you have people outside of those types of relationships that make you feel like you are loved and that you matter um and that everyone wants to feel special whether or not we're DJing and we're special right whether or not um I mean everybody wants to feel special And i think that i honestly feel like

[02:10:19] Brian: Everybody deserves to be you Know told that they're special and feel like they are special we can edit out the The loop that i just did there but no it makes sense man um and as humans if If we can share the fact that we care About people and love people and there's so many Obviously different layers of love you know my Love for my wife is very much different than my love for you and kelly but and i don't think that There should be there should be anything that's weird Or awkward about telling somebody that You that you care about them and that you love them so well i mean just you know speaking on Our friendship you know i don't want to dive too far Into it but i happen to be going through yeah i I have Dude like one text could mean so much And there's you know just for example um i Mean you texted me you've you've had Times where you texted me just checking in just checking in every few days where you know i'm going through a few things um just because i have been vocal on

[02:11:49] Brian: This podcast and in my life and just with people because i think that's important i have been vocal about my own suicidal issues um in the past my own my own i try to Wear my depression on my sleeve because i really think that it'll help other people um and Like i truthfully mean it When i say like when someone texts me and says hey i'm just checking on you like that's everything that's everything like they don't need anything yeah they don't want anything yeah just checking it or even if even if you know and i'm just the type of person who i'm open to talk about those things so you can full-on say like hey bro i'm just checking on you good today on your mental but some people aren't that far in and maybe what They need is just a and you know your friends listener maybe they need just to like hey buddy what's up how are you right what are you up to you watch this like or send them a clip or you just contact them just reach out to them um i think that you know this

[02:12:49] Jacob: Life can get super hard and especially nowadays i mean dude suicide rates are higher than they have ever been and it's just it's just too high and i think that These conversations have to be in the light they have to be the Fact that people struggle is okay like And we have to be able to reach out to each other in whatever way Um that can be beneficial to that Other person well i mean i feel like you know I kind of got together in life right And i'm going to tell you 2020 Sucks I mean from political to you Know COVID to now we're in the pacific northwest and you know we have wild wildfires all over the place breathe outside yeah we have uh you know entire towns that are being decimated um the entire west coast is on fire um I don't want i don't want anybody to feel like they are alone in thinking that 2020 is a hot dumpster fire um And it has it i mean for me it's Been it's been tough um you know COVID um i'm able to still work Fortunately um but

[02:14:09] Jacob: I know that there's a lot of people out there that aren't Or are not working it aren't Working as much and um It could just seem like everything is going sideways and i and me I have what i think is all the plates Spinning if you want to think of it that way um and things are going good and i feel like things are just going sideways yeah so it's I don't know yeah i mean i think that But i think that reaching out to people and continuing you know conversations and the fact that we're all majority of us at least in corporate Sense are working from home you know or People aren't working as much and so maybe they're isolating um I think it's really important to continually establish and you're right it's just a text you know hey how you doing um and it could be you know i like Texting you because it can be hey how you doing and then you know you give me a very thoughtful

[02:15:20] Jacob: Multi-paragraph well he asked me how i'm doing here i'm doing you know yeah well the reason why i do that brian is because i used to everybody because people tell like i get a text as

[02:15:31] Brian: I'm literally physically curl up in a ball having a panic attack that's lasted five hours now right and i would text someone back and like i'm good bro how are you and now i'm like you asked how i am and you know today i'm you know me i'll text back and i'll say you know to be honest man i've had a pretty rough morning right and here's why and here's what's going on but i'm doing okay because this or whatever it is but also if i said If i just sent back not good you'd probably say i'm on my way right you know or whatever it is and i have to i've had um in i'm going through some Things now but i like i had a homie um that i Uh he sent me a message i sent him a message back and he just he just hits me back with how could i help right and i didn't respond and then 27 minutes later he's calling Me right and he's any and i answered and he Says the same thing how can i help right and then he talks to me and

[02:16:29] Brian: And he in some senses he just he talks and Makes me listen you know and i think that This life for everybody can be super difficult and i think that there is you know back to that guilt and that shame i think that we feel guilt and shame for not doing super well Sometimes yeah i think that especially when we have a facade of always doing well and i think that the power behind Any level of friendship that you have Trying to i think that pushing against A friendship by being too personal is

[02:17:08] Brian: The coolest thing you could do like there was a point where you said if i'm overreaching you let me know right i care about you and i send even a longer text back like you can't even imagine how important this is that you've texted me you know and you know as Just from my experience by again i know Not a lot of people are like this and it's super okay you don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve you don't have to wear your depression or suicide thoughts on your sleeve you can keep it to yourself that's okay you know you don't keep it to your close friends you don't have to tell everybody i understand but for me Because i've been vocal about in the past um there's this it makes me uncomfortable In a weird sense because i'm like oh you know now every time i go through any sort of hardship everybody thinks i'm gonna want to die sure but there is this beauty of like the true essence of like Like people care about you and that's the truth and like people reach out in

[02:18:07] Brian: In inadvertent ways like so i don't know Man i think that with suicide with depression with anxiety with all this stuff it's confusing and it's there's this stupid corny embarrassment with it um and That's just all part of it but i think that i want to do anything i can to talk about it and um and make it not corny and make it any If you listen or if you have a friend who's suicidal you just don't understand it that's okay you don't have to understand it like but all you have to do is like have you experienced pain before yes what's the worst pain you've experienced like think about it cool uh well just all you have to know is That if you have someone who's like experiencing suicidal thoughts or a friend who's experiencing depression in somewhat of a way they're experiencing pain and you've been through pain before right and if there's anything that you can do to let them know that they're not alone

[02:19:00] Jacob: Let them know that what they're feeling is okay um talk them through whatever they're going through there's no rule book you know this society that we have isn't Prepared for how much suicide there is we aren't prepared for how much everybody's depressed how much i mean who knows how many more people are going to be depressed because of this pandemic and all these young kids who are going to be stuck at home and they're not even able to hang out with their friends and they're just We've got to be able to stumble through the conversations and i think that there's no right way to do it so whatever way that you think is the right way to do it to reach out to your friends or if you're the person who's experiencing any sort of suicidal thoughts i'm the i'm the frantic guy seriously You're the frantic guy the frantic yeah i will are you okay Yeah are you sure can i see you face to Face like let's go do something right um i You have to be and you're not you don't

[02:19:56] Brian: Have that level of friendship obviously with everybody that you know but you have to be that engaging because you're right you'll get in a situation where you know they'll just bluff you yeah i'm good bro right no are you really good like i haven't seen you for like six months you know what's going on yeah you know like the when When other people when you have Friends that make sudden changes Like you don't seem anymore right and It's not because maybe they're working or they've moved away they're just they're isolating right and Those are the telltale signs you need to You know push harder I mean you know i asked permission to push harder with you and i and you're like yeah i love it let's you know you're talking But you have to if people are If you're getting one-liners back when you're asking pretty engaging questions you know those Are those need to be red flags for you right and for me you know i turn Because it i reflect back on my like one

[02:21:05] Jacob: Of my cornerstones i'm just like okay we need to talk about this there's something wrong you know there's not wrong i guess isn't the Term that i want to use but something doesn't seem to be 100 healthy enough yeah you feel you sound off you feel Off you're making off decisions you know what's going on yeah and some people are going to talk about it you know um Some people open up about it some people will be like you know i got some personal stuff going on and i'm Seeing somebody about it you know right and then and that and that's what they'll leave you with and i know i've already emphasized it But the way that i talk about my personal experiences with suicide the way that you just have That's pretty uncommon it's massively uncommon It's uncomfortable for people it's very uncomfortable i mean and it bring like you speaking about your experiences just like i mean it brings me pain from my own experiences and just thinking about you as my friend but i think that there's no wrong way to go About it and listener again whether you're the

[02:22:12] Jacob: Friend or you're or you're feeling a little down on yourself you know whatever you're going through is all right you know you're on an escalator you're just you got to ride it out right you know it's going to be okay i mean there's no wrong or white right way to approach this next thing but don't ignore it you know don't you let that side of your mind tell you that you're not worth something like that's some in a lot of Times you can have a friend who will just tell you a few simple dorky sentences and it's enough to remind you like all right yeah that's true man i'm all right i'm good like i'm worth it or whatever it is i Think the other and it's a challenge and it's and it's hard um is wanting to ask for help Yeah you know getting in that spot where you know you don't think anybody cares or and i think that it's you feel like a burden maybe yeah um and you know oh well they're

[02:23:16] Jacob: You know they've gotten married and they've got kids and so you know they've got their own life now and i'm just you're right i'm you know i'm gonna be perceived as a burden and you know We can we can talk about we can talk about being responsible for decisions You know raise your hand you made a Mistake but you can also admit that you need Help and that could be in multitudes of different ways you know it could be two weeks before an event production you're like i feel really overwhelmed and i need help from you guys can you guys help me out and you know of course both of you guys were totally like Without even skipping a beat yep what do you need yeah and had i not asked i would have been totally yeah i think that when we think of asking for help i think movies or something

[02:24:11] Jacob: When it pops in my head it seems like asking for help means that someone's going to take you on in the psych to the psych ward or something right like asking for help means that you're drawing a line in the sand and saying that i'm busted or saying that i'm i need help and i'm crazy and i'm incapable of doing anything it's like no it's not that like whatever your level of asking for help is okay yeah well and i think that it's and it's Hard it's hard when you're in that spot to have that awareness and so if you have somebody that You think that you feel is off like Things aren't going correctly then i'm gonna tell you that Reaching out to them and offering them help and maybe even being Not frantic isn't the correct term but Insistent on that help like hey you know can i Help you out with this and they're like no i'm good you know i'm good and they basically disappear being consistent And you know whether or not that's

[02:25:17] Brian: I don't know helping around the house or mowing or you know what happens when you get in those deep dark spots is that you know you're not keeping up On your appearance or you're you know sleeping all day and everybody's depression experience is Totally different from everybody else's so you know i'm throwing out antidotes that um taking somebody a cup of coffee You know yeah i mean it's things that if they're not going to ask for help then you know you can there's little things that you can do to be able to help them that will hopefully establish that communication channel in order to be able to start having those types of conversations yeah and i think that the biggest thing is if you're experiencing any sort of or of that is like it's not who you are Man it's not every it's not every like your thoughts are not who you are you're the observer of thoughts and you like if you're experiencing

[02:26:16] Jacob: These things your mind will try to come up with reasons to justify why and it'll try to tell you why you should still feel bad and why you should continue doing it or whatever they'll try to be mean to you and i think that If that's going on you just you just have to say okay something seems to be Off here and you don't have to even answer that you don't have to but well what is it what did i do and blah and try to solve those things like okay something's off here and then you can get present and kind of look around like what's going on here um i think just man It's like what do they always say like Like people who take the dive like you know you the people who have survived jumping off the bridge they always say the second they let go of that bridge rail it's like they regretted it right they're like i realized in that moment like oh yeah that's i was just caught up in that thought i was just caught up in that thought that's not me you know well

[02:27:20] Jacob: And i think that i think that it's important to Be able to establish for me personally Establishing a health check so You know one aspect that i still Um i don't call it really a battle but I have to be self-aware about it Is i really like beer right And i know that if i drink too much beer Multiple days in a row then i start Start getting negative type thought patterns right same And so for me um you know Two beers on this night and then the next night is like two beers and then we're in the weekend and then we're having okay now we're gonna have four well that's three days in a row right and then i'm like oh well i'm hungover And so on sunday i'm going to go ahead and have a beer just to be able to take that edge off right well then i'm going back into work on and for me it's basically health checks Right so um day three of that And that's definitely not a binger but day three of drinking beer i I basically start throwing red flags i'm

[02:28:41] Jacob: Like wait hold on right like i don't feel good about myself um because you've listened to yourself and yes you know i'm being negative or being angry or you Know i'm being short with people around me and You know i'm like okay i need to take a Break or i need to do something different or whatever the instance is um I think that it's really important to set a health baseline you know both mentally and Physically but definitely mentally like okay And it's and it's a lot of self-reflection but it's okay this is me happy and these are Things that are happening around me but You know right now this is what it feels like to be happy and i have a baseline and i have Healthy relationships with friends and family and i'm not drinking or using and i'm going to the Gym and things are good in my world whether Or not you know works going good or other things Right like i feel good about myself and the relationships that i have and that what i'm working on that's your Baseline but if you are you know you have three

[02:29:59] Jacob: Days that you're that you've been drinking or you know You s something bad happens at work or Relationship and you're three days in and all of a Sudden you are reflecting inward and you're like okay and we talked about this earlier i feel off like there's things that aren't right i don't i'm not Happy um and there's Opportunities in that instance to Whether or not you've written down i'm Gonna this is gonna sound cliche but lifelines right like if i'm feeling bad um about things i'll go have Um a saturday cup of coffee with my dad Right and we'll go sit there and we'll talk for 30 40 minutes if that or if absolutely my mom if my dad's not Available so it's little lifelines that I've established that and they don't know that right it's not Like i've set an expectation like i'm in danger and so now i'm gonna go to this yeah um and same thing with uh with my wife with my kids yeah um Is i will set little things that i do When i'm starting to go down a path that i recognize right and it's but it's hard

[02:31:19] Jacob: When you're when you're at rock bottom or what you feel is rock bottom and so you know i want to share that with your listeners is that all of these things i have established Over a lot of years right you know i have a ton of experience um dealing with this stuff but I think it's important that um you set a Baseline of okay right now i'm in a good space And i'm happy um and things are going well right And then you're able to reflect back on that of okay and the cool thing is when you do that If you get in a situation where Life isn't good and it's outside of your Control right so like work let's say there's external things that are happening at work you don't have any control over it rather than getting in a situation where you're going to drink or use or be depressed or stop going to the gym or stop talking and having those communication channels realizing that the challenges that You're having in this one area are not able to be affected by you Then you can then really focus on the

[02:32:33] Jacob: Other areas that and it allows you to balance out and Make sure that you stay at that certain baseline per se mentally When it's things that you can't control right i will tell you honestly with kovid and The gyms being closed has been very challenging right like i would i not that i'm going to you know get strong and buff and be beach bod ready um but there's Obviously huge health benefits to going to the gym and for me going to the gym was a destination right I have a hard time going on a hike or Walking around my property or you know lifting dumbbells in my house i just i have to break it up enough Right the personality for me is that i have to have a destination to go to be able to go work out yeah and so with a holy fine too that's Great a lot of people like that and with kovid not having that ability that's one aspect of my baseline That i haven't been able to do and so

[02:33:37] Jacob: That you know it's i'm going to tell you it's been challenging um as with everybody that's been going through this so but i acknowledge and recognize the Fact that i'm not going to the gym and i know that's affecting other areas of my life yes so you find other ways to make up For i mean i like it's interesting you bring that up because that kind of you know the last the last couple weeks for me um We got back and i'm a runner that's a lot of my thing when i catch myself slipping or i catch myself i'm like okay well you know it's about i'm getting caught up with those thoughts that i know take me down the wrong path

[02:34:19] Brian: And i've built this resilient side of myself right because with time and patience and in work you can build those things up to where you a lot even in those dark moments you have a little part of you that can remember of like okay you know i'm just getting caught in the current of things and so i'll usually go on runs i'll go i'll run it out till i collapse i'll do whatever i can i'll put on my motivational videos and run through my headphones um but we've had the smoke the last right and so i haven't been able to but what i've been doing is saying yes to every opportunity i typically i like to kind of chill With myself the most i can you know i love my friends so much but i'm just i'm an introverted person i enjoy my alone time um but because i'm Not able to run i think that uh one thing that i have been doing is making sure i say yes i'm like my friend's like hey i'm gonna come pick you up i'm like okay yes sir yeah or i would avoid phone calls

[02:35:13] Brian: Typically right and now like the last i know that i haven't been running i haven't been able to go out and do my hikes yeah it's very Like if i can go out and do like a 10 mile solo hike i come back and i'm just refreshed and i'm like a newborn person i feel great but there's so much smoke Right now that i wouldn't even be able to get a few miles in without my lungs hurting so right um it's interesting because i think as you're talking about i'm kind of realizing like man i really actually have like answered my phone and texted people back and hung out with friends way more than i normally would in this sort of like you know a little bit sad situation um so yeah i think just like listening To those signals of like doing something

[02:35:55] Brian: Right and i really like what you said like that like change of scenery like is you know going to the gym like it's different lighting it's different sounds it's different music it's a different like even sometimes that social setting puts you in like a different mental state um yeah i think getting out of it because you know we get so caught up with those nights those like those like where you're just like you don't know what else to think and you just think that everything that your mind is throwing at you think that's all you but then you get a different state um tony robbins talks about a state change all the time and that's probably a lot of what that is like even if that means you're like okay i'm oh man i just spent an hour spiraling in my own head well how about i stand up right now and i yell as loud as i can and i do 50 push-ups and i you know i run from

[02:36:41] Brian: The edge of my living room and back and 25 times whatever it is get in a different state and i think that's that has a lot of power to kind of spark that like Who is the person in your head who even said like oh we're doing that thing again right let's not do that it's okay brother like you know that little like that little positive narrator in your head right like feed him and sometimes a state change the physical body movement change is enough for that or Again like i said like answer your friends calls and they say we're gonna go get coffee and you say i don't want to but yes sir you know like and i like it even this morning i had i Don't i don't like phone calls super early in the morning normally that's my time right but i know right now i could use some pep talk so i answered the phone call and pretty much i had i had a Friend who's been very great to me um Like i said talk at me right and it was

[02:37:37] Brian: I got off the phone and i felt motivated as i felt great you know so i think just man those lifelines Take those lifelines and you deserve Those lifelines they're there for you know yeah and But i think you gotta you know from the Outside so we're talking about self right but i think as An outsider to other humans You need to let people know That you are a lifeline like I would i would hope that you know all Of my friends um no matter who they are And what stage in life they are would Feel like if i called Toasty that he'd be there For me whether or not it's you know i Hate to say this but financially like if i was going through a hard spot like if i needed 20 bucks today as small as that Is you call brian right um if i just Need somebody to listen to me cry for 30 minutes on the phone like that i think that's you know We're talking about a lot you know a lot about depression but i think that you know as people who

[02:38:58] Brian: Maybe aren't depressed in their in their Current life you need to reach out to other people and let them know that dude if you need Anything right anything You just let me know and that's within reason i mean i'm not yeah i'm not gonna go you know cap somebody for you but i mean I might embarrass dead body right i mean i got access to a backhoe But i think that's you know you're Talking about lifelines i think it's really important to it's two ways it's not just you know you Have your baseline you're like you know what i'm good but i need to plan ahead and if there's something that happens then i need to be able to call so and so right you need people to Reach in to be able to show you that sign that

[02:39:50] Brian: Okay those people are my go-to people if If there's a problem and so i think it's an i think depression is very multifaceted and it's very complex Um and there's a lot of different factors and everybody's situation is Is 100 different from everybody else's Situation but i think that there's some common things that people can do realizing that Even if you have mild depression you don't even re i think it goes back to just being a good human and trying to you know be a good Person and help out other people And you may have never experienced depression right and that would that's amazing Um but you need to I would encourage people that haven't been to those depths that is listening to this podcast and saying gosh brian and jake are absolutely crazy I've never i've never had any of those types of thoughts right i would encourage those people to And it's not you don't need to post

[02:41:02] Jacob: On facebook hey if you think about killing yourself i'm here for you that's not going to help anybody right you need to be able to establish friendships and communication paths to other people that when they are in that situation and they Do get to that point and nobody knows it and they're shutting Down that you are there to either help pick Them up or be able to realize And recognize that they are in a In a spot that they need someone to Kind of yes pick them up yes yeah and it's two Ways because sometimes it's going to be like you know in our situation in jake and i's relationship jake's going to text me and say hey i could really use a cup of coffee right and that's probably going to be the one percent i'm just being honest with you know how How i know things work right 99 of the time it's gonna be me texting jack and say hey what are you doing oh just hanging out Wanna go get a beer no

[02:42:09] Jacob: Well what are you working on nothing really and me asking those questions and recognizing okay you're not working on anything we're friends yeah i know if you're not working on anything it's different it's weird we normally like to go have a beer maybe i don't present it as a beer maybe i present it as you know a coffee because i know jake really likes coffee and he still doesn't bite on it then i know that as a friend that's a flag and that's when you Have you know the person that calls you up 27 minutes later and yeah gives you a pep talk so I think that it's important to I know a com common theme you know for me and you know a lot of your core is being a Good human and establishing those communication channels with other people and You know being there for people that i Don't know we just we live in a society that's you know it's weird yeah that's That's weird that's all i can you know kind of summarize it as because You know growing up as men we're

[02:43:24] Jacob: Supposed to be strong right not ask for help and um it's Disheartening to see um men that i You know love and respect that don't ask For help because they want to try to be strong and um maybe Need help whether or not it's even and it's not even like you're going to do everything for them you're just going to give them a call or a text dude i mean i'll summarize it with this As humans we need each other And that's okay it is it's so okay we Need each other and that's okay like it's so okay to Like just say i need i need somebody right Now if somebody's throwing you it's throwing your life raft it's okay to grab it right and it's uh like it's okay to Whatever level you are at like whatever Level of encouragement or help or assistance or whatever you need or can offer Is okay like uh We need each other and it's okay i mean that's the bottom line dude i uh man this has been super great

[02:44:36] Jacob: This is like i'm so glad that we went here yeah i really i truthfully believe in my heart that this is gonna help people um that it'll i mean even just having conversations that people are afraid to stumble through um we both certainly stumbled through it ourselves we did um but i just listener You matter uh That's the bottom line you matter we've got to be able to like reach out to one another we've got to be able to especially in these times like right now is crazy man it is and it's okay to Feel whatever feelings that you're feeling you don't have to feel bad about them um but we've got to reach out to one another now especially so um Toasty i want to Thank you for being my friend i want to thank you for giving me something to creatively work on with Glow In The Dark i want to thank you for teaching me anything you teach me even inadvertently just even i'm always

[02:45:32] Brian: Dude i'm the type of person that i'm always i'm just like that we were talking about that dj's every song he plays he's glancing up like who's tapping their foot okay they don't like that genre they like that song they okay they want they don't like 2010s okay they want newer whatever we're analyzing i'm the type person that I'm learning from everybody at all times i'm glancing around i'm trying to say Like how can i be better no you know how can i how can i learn from all of my friends and you teach me a lot so i want to thank you i want to thank you for sharing your personal experience um and i want to Loop it right back glowingthedarkevents. com uh also uh can you just let everybody know Where to find your dj mixes and such sure Sure so i'm on uh soundcloud so it's just uh DJ Toasty all the socials are DJ Toasty so twitter uh instagram uh instagram we have some Kind of fun behind the scenes type stuff that's gonna be getting posted this week uh for Glow In The Dark uh dgtostie. com

[02:46:35] Brian: But don't go there because i haven't updated quite a while a week yeah so No i appreciate um you know the Cool thing with getting engaged with uh creative People is it um it It excites me and i think that it uh You know it helps me be more creative as well and um with Glow In The Dark events And uh jake and kelly's uh Involvement as well um it's just it Breathes life into things that you're trying to create and do and you know all the different perspectives and experiences and it just it's the collaboration is amazing so i really appreciate you having me on appreciate you as a friend um and i appreciate all the help that you did for Glow In The Dark i think without your involvement um it wouldn't be what it is so

[02:46:35] Jacob: Well thank you man that's great i had a great time doing it um i had a great time doing this podcast dude i'm glad we got to talk about this thanks listener Listen man you're worth it whatever You're going through it's all right whatever your friends are going through you just let them know it's all right in whatever way that means to you there's no wrong way to go about this just stumble through it man we're not we're not perfect just do what you do what you feel is right and you're gonna be all right and one last thing relax your shoulders If you haven't drank much water today drink a little bit of water just relax you're okay look around get Present You matter and if it helps i'm sending you a big ol hug take care of yourselves and saturday september 19th Glow In The Dark come see us dj and play Some electronic music get some friends out hang out with them jam out have some fun We'll see you later take care Knowledge is power