The JYLP - 0107 with Marriage Coaches Meredith and Craig Bennett - Marriage Needs Sunlight and Water

[00:00:03] Intro: Love podcast at what age do we learn how To have better conversations the recording is in progress learn hello Meredith hello Craig welcome to the junkyard love podcast I'm really happy you're here

[00:00:04] Craig: Thanks Jacob we're thrilled to be here

[00:00:05] Meredith: So happy to be here Jacob thank you

[00:00:06] Jacob: Yeah I've uh I've really enjoyed just kind of diving into your guys's work checking out more of your stuff I feel like you both have such a positive friendly vibe to I Just I feel like I have a little chip in my in my step as I'm listening to your stuff on my phone so I appreciate uh just the energy that you guys bring to your content it's really cool

[00:00:07] Meredith: Oh thanks that makes me feel so good

[00:00:07] Craig: Yeah that's awesome to hear we appreciate that's like we that's who we are we're we were approachable we're the kind of like the friends and like that's the vibe that we're I'm happy to hear that we're portraying so that's great yeah the old authenticity thing really works huh Yeah exactly well cool so um get everybody else to where I'm at like I'm I'm already falling for you guys I love your work I love learning about you um I want to bring other people aboard so assuming other people who are listening have never heard of you they haven't heard of your work um there will be a brief description below but before they read that give them a little Lowdown of who you are and what you're all about lead it off okay you usually

[00:00:08] Meredith: All right well we'll give you a little a little bit of our backstory and how we end it up here because we are marriage coaches relationship coaches but that is not what we've been doing for most of our Lives you know most of our Lives we learned the default life you know you go to school you get good grades you get a good job so we were checking all those boxes living our corporate our corporate life but also feeling a bit like we had more to offer The world than we were able to provide in that corporate existence so we weren't feeling super fulfilled in those Jobs but because that's what we' learned you know we were checking all those boxes and by all societies metrics we were we were we were having a successful a successful life from the outside looking in and so when our company work For the same company actually and when our company decided to close the office that we worked in and move everybody across the country we were faced with a decision we could move across the country and keep our jobs or get promoted and all those great things or We could go and so it was a really Stressful decision at that time because Corporate was really all we knew even though we weren't super happy there you know you could tell the vibe from all of our friends and family was well that's the safe stable right thing to do and Even though we're very sort of tight Bay plan oriented people we like to have a full fully biged plan before we jump and that was you know the old version of us We had this feeling inside like maybe we Could jump like maybe we could and then At the same time incredibly my dad was Diagnosed with cancer and that we thought it would be his last Christmas this was 2020 and so we drove home to spend my what we thought would be his last Christmas with him turns out it wasn't but on our drive back home it was Almost like that was the perspective we needed that last Christmas perspective that our parents his grandmother they're not getting any younger and if we move all the way across the country we're going to see a whole lot less of them and what's really important to us and that so that perspective gave us what we needed to be able to actually make the decision to leave our corporate job so we ended up just even though we didn't have a plan it felt like the right decision inside of us so we jumped out of the plane and started trying to figure out how to build a parachute on the way down yeah Yeah so essentially yeah we're former corporate employees turned entrepreneurs who are you know it's a huge mindset shift so we're going through that or we've gone through that and we continue to go through that process and

[00:03:47] Craig: Yeah family first family oriented obviously we wanted to be close to our family and build a life that allowed us to do the things that we love to do and Be around the people that we love the most so that's kind of who we are in and obviously we left that corporate Job we jumped into real estate because We thought that was going to be kind of how we could replace our corporate income kind of a little bit quickly yeah what happened there I I hear that real estate wasn't what you thought it was going to be it not our gy it's not our gym like yeah it was it was um it we were miserable like We started to go down this path and there was an altruistic Bend to it like We wanted to help because the housing market blew up and everywhere including here and we wanted to help firsttime home buyers who couldn't afford uh T your typical mortgage we wanted to be able to help investors invest their money but also help those first-time home buyers get their first home and that was kind of near and dear to our hearts uh and then when we start to go down that path and do that work we absolutely hated it and we hated it so much that it started to like chip away at our foundation our relationship a little bit because historically that's been our strength that's our superpower that's been our Bedrock our foundation and when we found this starting to like chip away at that and kind of affect that we were like time out that's a nogo that's a non-starter so we pulled the pin on that like immediately and just said no this isn't this isn't for us which again was not an easy decision right because we invested in a business coach we got the website we did the marketing we invested like a bunch of money up front in this business that we discovered quickly that we hated and so six weeks later we like boarded you know In theory boarded that thing up and said no and so we had that conversation Closed that business and took a step back because we realized why we were so miserable was that we had started a business but hadn't yet done the work to decide what we actually wanted our life to look and feel like what did We want our life to be like and when you don't do that work weirdly you don't end up building a business that supports that Vision that you didn't create yeah So we took a pause on trying to replace Our income and focus on the revenue and the money side of things we completely sort of put that to the side and said okay what do we want out of life and more importantly who do we want to be like who are the people that we want to be in this world and what do we want to offer and so we sort of ended up falling backwards into personal development because we went to a few investing conferences that had a strong Personal growth vibe to them so we kind of ended up stumbling into the personal growth space but it was so helpful because it helped us figure out what do We want our life to be like and who do We want to be and that's how we ended up Eventually finding our way to marriage coaching because as we went to these events these personal growth Retreats and conferences and seminars people would come up and ask us questions about you know we're doing this together and they could feel our bond and the strength of our relationship so they would how do I do this with my spouse how do I get my wife on board how do I get my husband to do you know so we were answering these questions all over the place with these people that were mostly strangers but they were you know we're getting to know them a little bit and then finally we were at one of these events and the guy hosting the event said at my next event I want you to speak at the event on stage about relationships and we were like oh maybe We have something real to offer here and that you know we had to codify our situation and do a lot of research but that talk ended up being the foundation for what we do now okay so

[00:07:20] Jacob: Where have you guys so where you guys started with that talk like the things that you spoke about on stage versus where you're at now what has ch changed Like what are the key parts that you kept um what are kind of the continuous responses to questions that people would ask you about that were really I mean I think you've used the word foundational a couple times I really like that what were the foundational questions both back then And now that seem to be hard-hitting for

[00:07:47] Meredith: People like whoa okay that's really Something that's we should listen to that so I think the one of the biggest Questions we were getting at these events was this is obvious like cuz

[00:07:58] Craig: They' hear our story and know that we were like basically leaving our corporate jobs to come into entrepreneurship and doing that together and they would see that and these are a lot of entrepreneurs and people who are kind of on that similar journey and they' be like that's got to be incredibly stressful how do you make that work because there has to be so much friction and then we started to realize that we have some things That we do just naturally and then so when we built our talk we built it on the pillars of how we basically manage our relationship and so it initially started out as three pillars Um that we've initially on that talk it was uh the commitment to obviously Yourself you have to you have a relationship with yourself first and foremost you come into the World by yourself and you leave the world Chances Are by yourself and so the one relationship you have from start to finish is the one you have with yourself

[00:08:51] Jacob: So you have to be in alignment with yourself you have to know yourself love yourself and take care of that relationship first and foremost so that's the first pillar and then the second one is the commitment to the Relationship that you're actually in with someone so that's like your typical like communication intimacy trust like Building on those things those are all foundational to this relationship it's also foundational to the relationship with yourself but it's also foundational to this relationship so that's one of the pillars and then the third one is it Was a commitment to fun and adventure and the reason that's such a pillar for us is that you know when things stop

[00:09:29] Craig: Becoming fun you stop wanting to engage You pull away you actually extricate yourself from it so it has to remain fun and there has to be a sense of adventure and so that was the initial talk and since then we've added a commitment to the Future you have to have a shared common Vision because it's one thing to know you know you've got the commitment to yourself the relationship and fun but you have to know what is the vision what is the shared common Vision that we're attacking together where's what's our Dream what are we doing and then Encompassing all that is a is a 200% 200% marriage mindset because um Marriage isn't 50/50 like it's a myth like we grow up believing that marriage is 50/50 we hear it all the time but 50-50 leaves room for gaps like Well is that my 50% or is that your 50% and I apologized first last time I don't think I should this time and you did this so I'm not going to do that and when you get into that you get into scorekeeping and that fractures the relationship so it's really about having a 100% each person giving 100 % and Taking 100% full responsibility for the marriage wow okay yeah go those are the Pillars yeah if you have anything to add meredi feel free no he so those were the three pillars we started with we have since added the fourth pillar and then almost like the circle around It all is the mindset that you need that 100% responsibility each of you taking 100% responsibility for the state for your marriage for the state of your marriage yeah wow that's so powerful um Okay so backing up just a ha When you guys were initially having these conversations like you're both going okay we have this change we could move we have this potential opportunity listen we're both not the happiest we've ever been I mean even being able to approach that conversation with a level of truth and not um I

[00:11:18] Jacob: Mean I think this is such a powerful thing about marriage is you're your answer to those questions could be all right how do we do this together how do we both lean in so I guess I'm just kind of curious how you guys went from those seemingly probably very difficult stressful conversations in that moment to landing on let's lean in harder than ever to our marriage and do this together because I think that You know I think that so often we could Be kind of on our own Island like what do I need to do and like you know maybe my wife has it all figured out and I what do I want to accomplish I just think it's so powerful and so cool really that you guys leaned into each other and leaned into the marriage um I

[00:11:59] Craig: I guess if If what message would you have for other people having those difficult conversations um and why would you encourage them to lean into the

[00:12:13] Jacob: Marriage I think those difficult

[00:12:17] Craig: Conversations are what is the foundation Of your marriage a lot of times I think we're a little bit nervous of those of those difficult conversations cuz they're uncomfortable like having those initial conversations about leaving the corporate job were uncomfortable to be

[00:12:34] Jacob: To be fair we never ever contemplated

[00:12:37] Craig: Not doing it together and I think part of that was we're either moving or we're not so it wasn't like one of us is going to move and keep a corporate job and one of us is not there was a little more Nuance to it than that where we maybe could have done something separate but

[00:12:52] Jacob: Really in we didn't really consider ever

[00:12:56] Craig: Not making the decision to together to Either keep corporate jobs find new corporate jobs not move and find because the third option really was we don't move but we find new corporate jobs and stay where we are um so there was really Three options but we never really considered ever separating our paths I Think that was just that's just sort of a foundational piece to our relationship that we always feel like we're on the same team we're in it together and

[00:13:26] Jacob: Working we know we're stronger as a team

[00:13:29] Craig: We just it wasn't even a conversation that we had to discuss that we're stronger as a team it was just an inherent belief that we had that we're stronger as a team so the conversation was around what should we do as a team Together I would say that it's more than a conversation in our situation is That we had built the foundation and built the bond to the point where it just went without saying that we were on this path together like this was this was just us this is what we do now we are just going to figure this out together I and I think that it really takes a lot of upfront work to do that like you have to show up every day you have to like it's basically following the 200% marriage mindset and being there and having that level of trust that the other person is not only your teammate but your biggest cheer leader like they're there they're championing you they're by your side and most of the time they're shoulder-to-shoulder doing the thing with you yeah and so it wasn't really Yeah necessarily a conversation as much as we just were like okay let's just Like strap on and let's go let's go do this and I think to your point that building that level of trust building that Foundation comes from being able to have these really honest conversations as they come up in your life and in your relationship and I think a lot of times We human beings shy away from uncomfortable conversations because they're uncomfortable like we're we seek Comfort like evolutionarily that's what We do and so knowing that you're going to have a difficult conversation you know what's going to be uncomfortable so a lot of times we seek the short-term

[00:15:01] Jacob: Relief but that often so we seek The short-term Comfort but that oftentimes breathes long-term dysfunction in your relationship if you keep avoiding the difficult conversation because it's those difficult conversations that cement you together

[00:15:16] Craig: Every single time you decide not to

[00:15:19] Jacob: Share something not to bring up Something not to have that conversation you're putting a brick in the wall between you and the more bricks you put the further way you get and that's why the most common thing we hear today is Disconnected distance walking on eggshell and that all has come from

[00:15:39] Craig: Being unwilling to engage in a shortterm Just com uncomfortable conversation and so when you can keep having those uncomfortable conversations and they don't always happen all the time but they come up in this the scope of normal life when you can be willing to have that uncomfortable conversation when they're necessary then you're partner feels like you're in the Foxhole together right like we're willing to embrace discomfort together in the name of moving our relationship and our life towards where we want to go Yeah I think one of the key things is that vulnerability is actually a superpower in your relationship so if you can if you can get to that level and you're open and vulnerable and sharing the things that are inside you with your partner it builds that trust and it builds that Foundation where then things just become a little bit easier to like

[00:16:27] Jacob: In our situation where we just were like Okay let's just go and do this like we're doing this together and it's because we built that Foundation being vulnerable with each other and sharing letting each other in sharing our deepest darkest fears Secrets dreams and all of that so that's what it really comes down to is building that Foundation yeah well that's so beautiful that's so powerful I just I love thinking about the um you know when you make a decision

[00:16:53] Craig: In it's in it's final it eliminates all These other options and it just it why it'ss your mind in a way I was using this example yesterday uh with my friend I don't eat gluten and so it just eliminates gluten from the option like I walk down the bread aisle and I just know I don't have to think about it I'm not going to have any of this stuff and So it just makes it easier for me to make decisions about my food or whatever um I think marriage can be I mean if you have those difficult conversations from the beginning and you really take um you really take time to Develop kind of that conversation of where are we headed what do we each want out of life what do we want out of life together um it just kind of like takes off these other options later on and so you already so you come up against this situation with you guys where you have an opportunity to take the leap you know and like you said build your parachute on the way down but if you guys didn't have that prior Foundation of hey we're doing this together we're on the same page whatever you do I do like that sort of thing so um my rambling Question that I want to get to here you two is and I think it correlates to what we're just talking about is what is the difference between what you two have what you two have built and signing your Piece signing your name on a piece of paper for a marriage um I think people

[00:18:09] Jacob: Kind of cheap in marriage sometimes on accident without really thinking deeply about it and I just think it's such a powerful relationship and commitment and it's so much more than just signing a piece of paper so tell me your thoughts on that yeah I mean signing a piece of paper is easy like it's very Comfortable it's very easy often times it's very fun there's a big celebration attached to it so we put a lot a lot of Specialness on signing that piece of paper but signing that and I you Know I love marriage I believe marriage is very important I'm not diminishing the value of being married and signing that piece of paper but it's Step 1

[00:18:47] Craig: A like it's the very teeny tiniest step That is required to build the marriage Like being married versus building the Marriage are two very different things cuz you can be married but never ever build the marriage where you feel like you're on the same team where you give each other the benefit of the doubt where you're truly deeply connected and can share all the ugly stuff and the uncomfortable stuff even though you don't like it you still share it because when you do you feel like you're in it together and you can't build that Without actually doing it you can sign a piece of paper and it's it takes a second and it's done you can't build the team you can't build the marriage without doing the dirty work Without doing the difficult thing without actually doing the

[00:19:37] Jacob: Stuff yeah 100% agree I don't know that

[00:19:40] Craig: There's much I can add to that yeah M drop um okay so what is uh carrying on With my questions here what's the north star of your marriage so we have now a dream life That we have that it's a Dream Life vision and it um we're type A so it's in a spreadsheet we've got a bunch of stuff in a spreadsheet of things that we want to achieve in life um and for us It's really building a business that can give people the gift that we have in our marriage we want to help as many people as we possibly can to have this We think it's a cheat code to life like it really is a cheat code when you can have build your dream and do it with Your best friend and you can do that and have all this energy because you're not spending it on trying to fix problems in your marriage or repairing your marriage it's you've already done you're doing that consistently you're doing the maintenance on your marriage and it's in a place where it's running really beautifully you've got all this extra energy to put towards your goals and your dreams and the business the things that you really want to do in this world all that energy and not only just you but your partner has all that energy and it just exponentially grows and you can just go further faster and so for us Really it's about equipping other couples with a marriage of their dreams and it may not be exactly like ours but Whatever their marriage of their dreams is for them and helping them build their dream life that's our ultimate North Star is to help as many people do that as we possibly can and to speak about it a little more sort of tactically like When we built our Dream Life vision like at the very beginning before we even got into the coaching when we had to take that step back we just looked at our life and we like what do we want like where do we want to live what do we want our free time to look like what do We want the relationships in our life to look like not just this one but with our family and our friends and like all the important relationships in our life what do we want our health and vitality to look and feel like and then what do we want the professional the business the that side of our life to be like and we got separately really super crystal Clear on what the dream was and all of Those categories separately and then we brought those dreams together to create our shared common vision for the future So that we had this you know joint vision of a North star that was really specific like when we're doing it's like I can feel the breeze off the ocean in the house we're going to build like I'm like getting really specific in What that dream sort of looks and feels like so that it becomes a little bit more real and then when you bring them together then you have you end up with this shared common vision and you know Exactly where you're going together so that you're in the same boat rowing in the same direction day by day which just kind of inherently breeds the benefit of the doubt and that teamwork Vibe and all those things that we have that we want to accomplish they're all made easier by Serving others to get theirs like that's the thing about this world is like when you help people and you serve and you get people to what they want just bu a byproduct is of that is That you also achieve your North Star and you get you get to check all those boxes for yourself as well so yeah it is

[00:22:59] Jacob: Interesting the older I get the more I learn more and more about service and what it means to me and what it means like to reality it is pretty fascinating the beautiful doors that open when you just stop thinking about yourself and just try to serve someone else it's really a wonderful thing um I wanted to ask about okay so say Someone's listening to this right now say this is um you know the wife in In the in the marriage the wife in the relationship they got a pretty good marriage but they're listening to this going like I you know I kind of want to take it to the next level I want to have these conversations we've you know we're close but we've never really had these deep what do you want out of life what do you want to accomplish together um and I don't know if this comes up often it just kind of seems like maybe it would but um say one person's listening to it right now and they want to go to their husband or their wife and say hey I listen to this podcast it kind of gave me some ideas what do you think about this what's the best approach for that conversation would you say I think the best approach for that conversation is applying what You're hearing ing here which is like coming at it with a really open heart

[00:24:03] Craig: Like being a little bit vulnerable like What well from a tactical perspective first finding the right time like if Someone's in the middle of some kind of chaos when you're trying to have one of these more vulnerable conversations the time is not right if Someone else is very distracted and in the middle of doing something sort of

[00:24:21] Jacob: Sort of very um focused or Even chaotic so I think the first step is first for sure finding the right space the right container for this conversation and it might be I want to talk to you about something that I heard today when's a good time like just finding quiet time for both of you where you can be connected because I think a lot of times we're ready to have a conversation our spouse is their mind is Completely elsewhere and we want to lay this heavy conversation on them and it's like whoa like I'm not in a head space to rip open my heart and share my hopes and dreams like I'm mentally making it to-do L this or I'm in the middle of ready an email or what whatever it is so the first step I think is finding the right time and space and if there's never a perfect time in space of course it's not about putting it off forever but it's about when can you both not be distracted and both be engaged meaningfully in a conversation together So when you can find that time in your day so not putting it off for a week but you can find that time today sometime Then it's leading with an open heart and being specific like I heard this today

[00:25:25] Craig: And this hit me because and this is How I'm feeling about it so speaking in specifics from the eye perspective Because I think a lot of times we also Sometimes have these conversations after we've gotten frustrated with something and it's becomes a lot of generalities We never have these conversations we never share this stuff I always I always

[00:25:47] Jacob: You never those types of leadin and

[00:25:50] Craig: Those types of um responses and conversations are not effective it creates defenses and defenses are the last thing we want when we want to be vulnerable and have an honest conversation and so finding the right time and space and then leading with how it's impacting you and what you want to get out of this conversation whether that's let's sit down and listen to it together and then we can because we do this a lot actually if we're listening to audio books and podcasts we do that a lot especially when we're driving and then it's like oh pause let's talk about that for a minute so a lot of times it's helpful like you got something out of this podcast so invite your spouse along listen to it again then you guys can pause together and like ah this really hit me because remember when this happened this is actually how I was feeling about that and so maybe we could try and apply this and then it becomes a really specific conversation um because also you're coming in with that 100% responsibility mindset and not the sort of this is your 50% you didn't do your Job therefore I'm going to it's if you come in with your 100% responsibility and this is how I'm feeling and this is what I think I need to do to show up the best in our marriage and it would be great if you could help me like having those conversations and pausing through this podcast and having those conversations together I think that would be really effective and I think one other thing is just always lead with curiosity and ask questions like I

[00:27:07] Jacob: Heard this on a podcast today and I was wondering if you had some time I'd love to ask you a couple questions like what do you see as our as your perfect Dream Life vision and in what does your health look like just ask specific questions and then it Doesn't feel as though like it's a like it's almost like just a conversation like we're having it's just questions and answers and then follow up and it doesn't have to be this big intimidating crazy conversation it really can just be as simple as just ask Some questions and then follow up with some of your thoughts and just before you know it you've got some sort of a vision that you can just kind of jot down and kind of figure out okay Well this is what you said and this is what I'm thinking there's a lot of overlap here let's start building towards this yeah you said earlier vulnerability is a superpower in your relationship which it is curiosity is another superpower in your relationship showing up with genuine curiosity will

[00:28:01] Craig: Completely transform most conversations Yeah I mean I see how your pillar was it the third pillar that was uh about fun yeah I see how that's So important in that because to me like if I was bringing up to my spouse uh Like hey there's this podcast I heard and it made me think about my life and it made me think about our I mean that Sounds so fun and exciting to plan out together and like just being in that car ride together thinking about where you want to head and I think that's massively fun that's a very important pillar I love that totally

[00:28:32] Jacob: Yeah um so I uh I was kind of curious So you guys have been how long have you been coaching now how long have you been like working with other people and clients and other marriages uh so it's 2024 so like two

[00:28:43] Craig: And a half years nice yeah okay so

[00:28:47] Jacob: What is coming up super commonly like what are you hearing you guys present um or people come to you what is kind of like what do they hand you when they come to you or what is kind of a reoccurring theme um that listeners Could perhaps resonate with yeah B big theme we hear a lot is the disconnection the loss of intimacy physical or emotional but you feel like your roommates instead of a married couple you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid of triggering the next argument you're just feeling very disconnected like you haven't had a real conversation in you know a long time you can't remember the last time you had fun or just sat down and talked together like that sort of theme of disconnection I would say is humongous yeah I would say it's the biggest one for sure yeah you definitely hear like within that the communication focus and we just we can't ever get in the same page in a conversation like I say blue he hears red and then we never can sort of get ourselves aligned um trust is another one that comes up um they all kind of come back to the same thing they've been disconnected so the trust isn't there because they're completely disconnected and they haven't shown up for each other in the way that they could have showed up in this relationship and so a lot of the time it's really just they've not put in the level of intention into Their marriage that they would and say like their job like they go to their job and they're very specific they have a set of tasks that they need to do and they show up and they make sure that those tasks are done well in your marriage there's things that you have to show up for and do and or you're Going to get a situation where your spous doesn't trust you because you don't show up to do the things that they expect should be done and so it's really About being intentional in your marriage like you would in other parts of your life and yeah so I'd say disconnection is probably the biggest one and I think that a lot of that comes from you know you got married you signed the paper you're you built this relationship and then you trust that it's always going to be there and I'm going to for now I'm going to kind of focus over here and get my career really ramped up or my business if you're an entrepreneur really ramped up and like I'm trusting that this is always going to be here but when you stop paying attention to something over here it's not always going to be there in the same way that it was and so you have the best most people have the best of intentions like I love my spouse we have a great relationship I'm going to go over here and build this business and support my family and be the provider that I need to be but in the meantime over here people are feeling unappreciated undervalued unheard unseen disrespected And that breeds that disconnection yeah so it sounds like marriages like plants need sunlight and water 100% exactly yeah they're not It's to your point like it's intention and there's like certain it doesn't take a lot of time and energy necessarily in the maintenance phase it's you know checkin questions it's making a little Bit of time every day to have an actual conversation with your spouse to find The fun in your mundane daily life activities or find the space for fun in your life because when you think about it when you're having fun together the communication's flowing easily you're feeling really connected you're intimate your trust like all of those things feel very easy when you're having fun and so if you can make time to whatever you like to do play cards go dancing like whatever it's different for everybody but when you can make time for those things regularly it just it's just maintenance it doesn't take a lot of time and effort and then you the what you reap from that is just exponential and then the one other thing I'll say is also following through and doing what you say you're going to showing up when you say you're going to show up and do the things that you say you're going to do right that's a leads to a lot of broken trust otherwise yeah Yeah that's a huge one that's a constant work I think we're all working on but if we can show up and be honest about it and um yeah communication goes such a long way So what is um what seem to be the actionable Steps that work for people I've heard of um I don't know if you guys have heard of Dr Jordan Peterson uh he's like a philosopher um but I love the way that he talks about his marriage I admire him um he talks about how he's Been with his wife Tammy for many years and they schedule things like every week together and they're pretty strict about it like they literally have a room in their home for dancing together once a week and like oh my gosh she was talking about that I'm like what a beautiful powerful incredible I mean you could be annoyed the momentum of life and all these things you got going on and you didn't do the dishes last night and blah but then you're forced for a certain amount of time to dance with someone you love in a room I mean come on so great so what does That look like in your guys's world so maybe not if you don't mind what do you guys do in your marriage specifically that's like scheduled planned you have conversations you know every Monday we sit down for this amount of time or whatever and then what do you encourage others to do um and even like what's the lowest hanging fruit so even if we're not ready to embark on this like let's change everything about our marriage right now what can we do today as people who I'm not in a relationship but it for people who are what small step could they begin to take I think one thing easy right off the bat is have a non-negotiable date like date night date time whatever it is whatever can fit into your have to be a date night Yeah but like one once a week non-negotiable this is we This Is Us Time no phones no nothing it's just you and me doing our thing I would say easy Loow hanging fruit non-negotiable do that and then above and beyond that we have regular like daily check-ins where We asked very specific question and it's like what was the best part of your day it's not how was is your day because how was your day leads to fine or good or a big you know blah of their full like a Full discourse of their whole day but asking a very specific question of like what was the best part of your day and it gets you it gets them to talk to you about what was really good about their day and then you get to learn a little bit about their day and you can ask them follow-up questions but it's just a check-in it shows that you care it shows that if you want to be engaged in their

[00:34:52] Craig: Day they feel like you care enough to Ask something specific which promp them to think more about the answer and give you back something specific so not only do you learn something about their day and actually get to be involved in it that they feel like you want to be so that is just a nice way to maintain Connection in a relationship is like just a really specific check-in question What's the best part of your day what made you laugh today you know what was your favorite lesson you learned today like something just specific that prompts a thoughtful answer that can lead to a conversation and we do that like kind of at bedtime as we're getting ready for bed like getting in bed it's dark it's also I find that to be a little bit of a cheat code because when the lights are off you're almost you're willing to be a little more vulnerable it feels like so you may answer a question slightly differently during that time than you would if you were doing the dishes after supper or getting dinner ready or whatever the case may be so I think that one is a One that we do every day we do have the non-negotiable date time every week and then a weekly connection conversation Like I like to call it a let them in conversation and it's almost like it's like we talked about earlier but it's what's keeping you up at night what is stressing you out what's got you frustrated what are you worrying about like how can I support you what are you working toward what's the goals coming up because sometimes we're a little bit afraid to share our goals because they might seem silly or we're afraid to share what's keeping us up at night because we want to protect them and it's comes with the best of intentions um that you don't want to burden your spouse you know you got Something that's stressing you out at work or with your business and you know you're going to take it on you know you're going to get it figured out but meanwhile it's kind of eating at you right now because it's a lot and it's heavy but you don't want to share it because you don't want to stress them out either but at the same time they can Tell that you're not sharing something the energy is a bit off and as human beings we tend to make up stories to fill in gaps always and so your spouse is going to start to tell stories about why you're not sharing things even though you're doing it out of love and you're trying to protect them it's creating distance between you so I love once a week Saturday Sunday usually over The weekend having a conversation where you're kind of laying bare from the week before like the these were the highs and lows this is what I'm working toward this is what's keeping me up at night this is what I'm stressing about next week so that you kind of finish the week Together and are aligned to start the week and there's nothing sort of in between there's no blocks or bricks between you to start the next week it's a real like connection building

[00:37:25] Jacob: Conversation yeah and then the one other Thing I'll say is non-negotiable hugs whenever someone asks for a hug they just get a hug and do and do it for 20 seconds that's when the oxytocin the happy hormones start to release so yeah that's a great marriage rule yeah ask for a hug you get a hug no matter what is happening no matter how frustrated upset angry you know anything anybody is If one of you asks for a hug they get a hug always no questions asked I love

[00:37:53] Craig: That yeah we've got a we're living with an oxytocin producing Factory right next to us you know sometimes we can we could use a little of that I love that I love that okay um let's see what else

[00:38:05] Jacob: Um I okay I was kind of I didn't know how to how to approach this I hope it doesn't turn into like an icky corner but um I wondered me from my perspective just being honest with you I'm a single fella I'm not in a relationship I'm on the stinking dating apps um modern dating is there's a million things we could say about it I see like so much there's so much uh like non- monogamous relationships people are into um I feel like a lot of Times I'm going through the dating apps and people just have these like long lists of things that like you better match these things before you even get a date with me I don't know I'm not trying to bring my like weird perspective or my weird um experience just myself of dating apps and in that world but I feel like you guys would just have good advice so to the person who I want to get married I want to have kids I want to have a family um uh but I don't Want to put so much pressure on meeting people I guess like do you have any advice for a 33-year-old man in

[00:39:00] Craig: The dating Market I suppose sure I Mean I was single for a decade before I met him like I had a pretty serious relationship and then I was single for a decade and then I met him and I did the dating app thing like I get it I hated Dating it was brutal I just I really did not enjoy the dating scene and I Felt a lot of pressure from my friends from my circles to not have such high

[00:39:25] Jacob: Expectations like I was getting a lot of From my friends you got to lower your expectations you know there's a lot of great people what like why aren't you willing to settle for something that's good enough and one boy am I glad I

[00:39:40] Craig: Didn't listen to anybody and settle like I don't know what it was within me that wouldn't let me settle and Cheese Louise I am very glad I didn't settle and I always believed there was someone out

[00:39:52] Jacob: There that would challenge me and love Me and me the way he does so my first advice is don't settle don't settle um And the dating apps didn't work for me either so I totally I totally get that um I think the second thing is to

[00:40:10] Craig: Take the lens of more of an adventure Like be adventurous in it um I think we Get so Tunnel Vision on what we think we

[00:40:22] Jacob: Want and we

[00:40:25] Craig: Dismiss what we think we don't want When if we just have the attitude of Adventure of like who knows this person may or may not be the love of my life but they may be a really cool person I can do fun things with or um just having a bit More of a open an open frame of mind and

[00:40:44] Jacob: An open lens to the value anyone can

[00:40:47] Craig: Bring to your life beyond the Romantic relationship because I mean we were friends first like when we met we didn't immediately start dating took long enough we finally did not too long but like long enough and so I think it Was that and everyone's kind of in different places in their life and so Sometimes a little bit of patience is required but I think that lens of Adventure um is really helpful 100% yeah

[00:41:13] Jacob: I think like taking some of that almost Like taking the edge off taking the importance off the Weight of it all of trying to find this person if you just go into it with whether this is a the person that I spend the rest of my life with or not either way I'm going to have a good time I'm going to meet a friend maybe they're not even going to be a friend but whatever it is they're in my life for a reason and just going into it with that attitude of Adventure and exploration and yeah taking some of that pressure off um but yeah it's a good point around um yeah just fun and

[00:41:49] Craig: Don't settle because the things that

[00:41:52] Meredith: Make you um they're non-negotiable You can't you if you have value vales and things that you hold dear you cannot compromise those if you compromise those ultimately you're going to not only feel unfulfilled in the relationship you're also going to feel unfulfilled just as a person like inside of you're going to be at odds with yourself you're going to start to not even like yourself you're not going to feel like yourself you're not going to start to like yourself because you're not actually even being you anymore so it's really about making sure that you do not settle or um I guess go against your values so Funny story that I've shared a couple of places actually and I usually talk about it in terms of vulnerability um but I think it also applies to what you just said about actually showing up as yourself and being you and letting people sort of see you and so it was early days we were just sort of getting to know each other we were just talking and that was actually the very first sign that I was like yeah this guy because the conversation just flowed so easily for us that I was like there's Something special here but that's separate um when we were having this conversation around kind of getting to know each other he asked me if I liked Star Wars silly little kind of get to know your question whatever my interpretation of you know pop culture is that most dudes seem to like Star Wars I am not a giant Star Wars fan so I Was a little bit hesitant of like oh do I tell them I don't like Star Wars like I want him to like me because I like him you know that whole like wanting to fit in and wanting to be the person I think he wants me to be and then I had a Moment of clarity thankfully where I said what I'm am I going to lie about Something hey that's kind of silly like this like I'm going to build this whole thing on a stupid little lie and also if that's enough for him to say Oh I'm done with her then probably he's not the guy for me anyway and so maybe I Will just actually be me and see if we Fit together and if we do great and if We don't okay but if we don't then he's Obviously not the right person for me so just be you and see how it goes and that's not necessarily anything I had been doing up to that point like I'm very much a people pleaser always wanting to fit in and so I was always trying to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be and I had that one Moment of clarity and said actually Star Wars isn't really my jam he's like ah me neither I was like all that mental Turmoil for nothing but I it was such an important lesson for me in that moment to actually not be afraid to be honest about who I am in the silly things but Doing that made it easier for me later with him to be more honest about the bigger things yeah that um man

[00:44:31] Craig: That's all such great advice I thank you So much thanks for even letting me ask that I think that's so cool um yeah you Know sometimes I get caught up in realizing oh I'm trying really hard or I'm you know you're putting too much wood on the fire and suffocating the oxygen you know and so I'm always just trying to work on um I think that's a great note to just have fun with it that's what I'm trying to do here in the end just have fun be you and it'll

[00:44:56] Jacob: Happen like it's it's the universe Has a like there's the universe is always working in your favor it's going to work out exactly how it's supposed to and likely when you're least the least amount of effort the least amount of trying is when it's just going to like

[00:45:10] Craig: Oh boom get struck by lightning at a Random event or something that you're at and like it'll just be like a chance thing that and I will say as being single for 10 years when everyone said it'll happen when you least expected I wanted to punch them all in the face I always hated hearing that however I

[00:45:27] Jacob: Wasn't expecting to meet him when I did So like it kind of annoys me that it wasn't wrong but I always hated to hear that so I same yeah I had A uh a one of the older guys that I work with kind of a few months back had given me the same thing and I believe it But I also yeah I'm with you I rolled my eyes for sure but uh yeah for sure it's a truth um cool well we are getting up here in time I did have uh one more question for you and then I would love to just hear where we can go to find all of your info where we could reach out um where we could listen to more of your stuff uh but first before that um someone Who's listening right now maybe they just clicked on this and they're like this s like a cool podcast and they listen to it and they're like uh I need to have a conversation with my spouse I didn't realize that I we haven't had deep conversations in a while I don't know where we're heading I don't know where to open our sales of our boat at Because I don't know which wind is going to you know where's our destination so see someone finds thems in that position right now what do you have to say to them I think you need to have a an honest Con well you know what before you even have the honest conversation I think you need to sit down yourself and decide what do you Actually want your dream life to be what is your North Star where do you want to go and then you can have that conversation and your spouse can do the same thing and bring those together but I think a lot of times we spend the time and we jump into the work together when like we talked about the very first pillar the first commitment

[00:46:57] Craig: Is the commitment to yourself yeah and So you know getting right with you and being clear on okay we haven't had that conversation on where we're headed collectively as a as a couple as a family unit where do I want to be going what Like what do I see in the future for me And for us and then once you have a little bit of that Clarity yourself it almost gives you a little bit of confidence going into that conversation um that we need to have this

[00:47:25] Jacob: Conversation together but also need to do this work individually first and bring those to the table so you both can feel seen and heard and valued in that Integration conversation where you're bringing those two visions together into one shared common Vision Yeah I totally agree yeah I think it's It's really just understand what you want and then simply just ask and again vulnerability and curiosity yeah get vulnerable and share what you share your vision and get curious and ask them about theirs and again make sure that it's the right time and they're not distracted but you know set aside Some time have a have an hour set aside Distraction free no phones Just the Two of Us face to face having a conversation and just get vulnerable and get curious actually I also find one little cheat code that I think is helpful for some

[00:48:16] Craig: More deeper conversations is to do it While you're walking like we make sure to go for a walk every day and the with The blood going and being out in the fresh air there's just something about the creativity and also sometimes not looking like eyeball to eyeball with Someone is less intimidating to be able to have to share some of the stuff that's a little less comfortable so I think when you want to have a pretty honest conversation of course the vulnerability and curiosity but maybe suggest going for a walk outside because it just feels a little easier than sitting down across the table from each other that's true we do that a lot and getting out in nature just gives you the happy Vibes and you're in nature the smells the air yeah that's Really great Point yeah the things that provide us with the ability to breathe it feels nice to walk past them right yeah exactly yeah it's a It's huge I'm I'm a huge advocate for any sort of creative thinking or problem Solving adding a walk in and uh I also

[00:49:13] Jacob: Think just to emphasize anybody listening that having one night a week or one time during the week where you designate we're putting our phones like over here on airplane mode type thing or whatever it is just being I mean cuz that's when you first got together before the all the hardship all the like that's what it was you have the butterflies in your stomach just having a conversation with this person I mean that's still there you just got to set some time aside so I exactly you guys are such a wealth of information I feel like you have given me so many great answers um I'm so grateful for Your time this was so amazing this was super fun Jacob loved it yeah super grateful for your time as well and for sharing your podcast with us it's amazing yeah okay so give me the give me the load down obvious I'll put in the description as well so people can click on the links where can We find you what are you working on next um what's on the horizon how do we keep up with you in the future um well we have a podcast too and

[00:50:08] Craig: And our podcast is called the road of Life podcast we have more of a bite-sized episode like 10 to 20 minutes where we talk about sort of one concept at a time and give a story Give an example kind of kind of bring people along with one strategy at a time for your for your marriage and for your life like a little bit of both um and I'd say we're most active on Instagram so we're sharing strategies and tools and tips and things like that um on Instagram and we're at Meredith and Craig on Instagram so that's where you can find us on there for sure yep yeah and if anyone wants to reach out if they have any questions or things that are coming up for them they can DM us anytime and we can we can help them out With whatever they need absolutely yeah cool well that's a beautiful thing

[00:50:54] Jacob: I will include all those links so whoever's listening you can find them in the links below Meredith Craig thank you So much again for your time um thank you for your wisdom and just thanks for following your hearts and doing what you guys do it's uh it's contagious I feel inspired by you guys

[00:50:54] Meredith: Thank you thank you so much appreciate you

[00:50:55] Outro: Yeah listeners love yourself drink Some water if you haven't drank any water set a date day up with your husband or your wife um and go for a walk outside love yourselves Meredith Craig I will be in contact soon thanks again have a good day Hello and welcome To the junkyard love Podcast at what age do we learn how to Have better conversations at what age do we learn to have better conversations with ourselves Knowledge is Power reality is