Episode 034 with Nate 'NastyNate' Tanzman - Healing Toxic Masculinity, Male Vulnerability, Believing In Yourself, Being Scared To Be Different and Letting Go Of Outgrown Identities

[00:00:06] Intro: Hello and welcome to the junkyard hello me mates welcome to the junkyard of podcast today's recommendation is in the form of a TED talk it is John Vervaeke a key cognitive science rescues the deconstructed mind I totally love this guy I've just been super obsessed with his stuff lately maybe that one's not for everybody but you can check it out and give it a listen he has a lecture series on his YouTube

[00:00:57] Nate: Channel it's like 50 hour-long sessions

[00:00:59] Jacob: It's super fantastic called the Meaning Crisis put you into these sorts of things totally check that one out too today's episode is with Nate it's fantastic I have a couple other episodes with Nate that you can totally check out and read the descriptions on those as well this one is from February 21st I'm going to be going back through and posting things in the recorded date as I recorded them and then trying to squeeze in a few mindfulness related and

[00:01:26] Nate: Meditation related now current related

[00:01:29] Jacob: Podcasts as I work through the backlog so I try to post to week we'll see enjoy the podcast here we go hello hello mr. Nate like we're not as locked We seem like we're distracted by squirrels or trains it's because there's no yeah we didn't get that phones today we're just trying that out but also one thing that is a positive already for any listener is you don't have to hear this **** chairman shout out to native tune yeah brought me a new chair be my buttcheeks yeah it's a

[00:02:02] Nate: Blessing I had it sitting around I figured you could put it together use it was in my storage yeah so did I really appreciate out like the amount of times that I just dealt with that chair like I just complained about my guy got a kidney yeah being I've been thinking about it for a long time too I was waiting to come up here I was like every time I heard that on the podcast I'm like I'm bringing Jake that chair oh I'm bringing because I think I heard you're like three or four times like you'd be like talking and then he was like oh going down going down hard to be like I'm talking about something Stern like trying to be tough yeah I just dropped like a whole 12 inches yeah and you're like I was like I'm bringing that guy I mean if you're on a stage like you're giving a speech and just sometimes randomly like the stage just drops irregular yeah I can do it yeah man I've been thinking about there for a while I was like I heard it on the last one to it I was like I heard you like mid-sentence you're like oh going down yeah I was like I'm getting

[00:03:03] Nate: That cheer I'm getting that damn chair out of my store well bro I appreciate it I'm a comfy now

[00:03:08] Jacob: Give me a quick lowdown it's been a while like yes just how you how you been lately man what like what you been up to I've been I've been good man I've been I have my ups and downs you know I'm actually I'm on a path right now to do a

[00:03:25] Nate: Speaking event in Vancouver so it's called ban talks it's similar it's like a mini version of TED talks that the City of Vancouver does and I Q Credit Union puts on they pick seven speakers I

[00:03:38] Jacob: Made it past the first audition a video audition and then I have a live audition on Tuesday so um I'm pumped man I really uh I feel I know I'm gonna get it like I there's no question in my mind it's funny because I'm really just like kind of like I don't want to use the word Nutting up but I kind of just like Nutting up and I'm just going with the fact that I'm gonna get it and I put

[00:04:06] Nate: It somebody asked me was our messaging

[00:04:09] Jacob: Like dude congratulations like you know you got your thing and I was like it's not I didn't get it yet and he was like well it says in your bio I was a guy I did that for a reason oh **** I put in my bio van talks 2020 speaker and I have

[00:04:25] Nate: It on my phone background

[00:04:27] Jacob: I have it written on my wall I'm

[00:04:30] Nate: Manifesting this thing bro and I really am like I'm going into it like I already have it like and I really am I really feel like it's just my time like I'm up like I'm up next like this is this is for me and I just I'm so confident like not super confident in my

[00:04:49] Jacob: Um my speaking skills and the technical side of it but just confident in just what I bring to the table and my delivery and my emotion I think is what's gonna is what's gonna capturing the rawness of it so well I think that's a good place to be because it's like even outside of the content like this based on it's not so much based off of what you're gonna say it's like it's hot if you thought what you say it's how ya like if you know like I'm gonna go up it like whatever they say it like if they said randomly last minute like hey can you get up and fill this 15 minutes you probably like cool I got this like I don't know I'm talking about exactly like yeah can you talk about this I want to make sure this I know you and I know

[00:05:24] Nate: Ambition and I know a lot of people with ambition this like knowing that you have because a lot of times like so we see like let's say Law of Attraction think there's like the secret that's not Netflix right yeah like just saying like I'm gonna have these things isn't what makes them happen exactly like allowing it to be like allowing

[00:05:43] Jacob: Yourself to follow this like knowing now you have in your stomach yeah I don't know I just talked about this knowing like how do you I think oh you know honestly I think confidence comes from preparation i watch McGregor is like a

[00:05:58] Nate: Huge Law of Attraction guy I

[00:06:00] Jacob: Listened to him talk I listened to things that he does and it's like you know at first I think people just look at him and I think they look at him on the surface and they don't do the research on him i watch all these YouTube videos on my watch all these documentaries like the stuff that he says and the things that cut him out of his mouth yeah they're a little you know far-fetched and they're a little out there but he's really a humble person and the stuff that he says he wants it's

[00:06:27] Nate: Not necessarily that he is that it's almost like this affirmation to himself and to the world at the same time so I have this affirmation that I read and it's like if I read it out loud people would think I was nuts but that's what he's doing and so I was like maybe I need to step this affirmation thing up like maybe I really need to put out there what I really want and I've always been big on visualizing and like really actually taking time out of my day to see in my

[00:07:05] Jacob: Head what I want and I and it was one of those things where I was like god you know if I tell people this they're gonna think I'm nuts you know if I tell people this you tell the wrong people yeah people are gonna think it's cliche but I used to do it with hiding all the time I used to go to the gym and sit in the

[00:07:19] Nate: Sauna and just visualize myself doing these tricks and then when I would do him it's like I already did it like it literally like I would close my eyes and I can feel it and I would just literally do it and it would I was like that didn't feel new because I had visualized in my head so many times what's it feel like when my legs go through they're like well how am I gonna feel when my ass hits the tank like you know I mean how am I gonna feel afterwards like I had done that so many times and I'm like that worked for me why not I'd do it with everything else but I think it's just because uh I was

[00:07:53] Jacob: Watching this little thing on

[00:07:56] Nate: YouTube about talent versus actually it was you it was the podcast it was it was when you were talking about talent versus um things that you want like your goals and like what you think if you're talented is something that you're supposed to do it I've just like been really talented at the bike so I think what it comes down to is like with the speaking thing it comes with a lot of

[00:08:18] Jacob: Things that I'm that I slept on myself

[00:08:21] Nate: Like writing I used to like not write

[00:08:24] Jacob: Anything because I didn't want to look at my handwriting and how ugly I feel like my handwriting is and like you know I would not ever write anything down because then if at least if I thought it in my head I could get rid of it because it's like not down there but I'm like I write that down and I go back and read it I'm like am I gonna feel stupid so I don't I never had wrote before until now and I started writing because I'm like I need to start writing down my thoughts and writing on these little nuggets for speeches and like you know I would I would fail to do that I just guys like I said I didn't want to look at my handwriting I didn't wanna I didn't want to look back and like I was I thinking like you know like and so it

[00:09:02] Nate: Just I feel like the manifestation thing comes down to putting in the work and I feel like that's where the confidence comes from and then just believe - you know I had I was talking to somebody of

[00:09:13] Jacob: The older generation about this van talks and I was like you know I'm gonna get it like I mean there's no question my mind like I couldn't feel it like I know what I'm gonna say I just I have this just connection with emotion and I

[00:09:28] Nate: Think that's what it comes down to like

[00:09:29] Jacob: I don't I'm not a huge informational

[00:09:34] Nate: Speaker I really like emotion and so

[00:09:37] Jacob: That's why you know you trying to spin a bunch of fat yeah you I which I do that's why the only person I really that I like listening to that speaks facts are Jordan piercing because he's emotional too and he's very connected I'm not huge in the lectures I'm really not like you know I do like certain kind of facts but tell me how they relate in real life so I can connect an emotion to it you know I mean tough you know I mean the story's something like I just I'm so confident in my in my ability to capture emotion and someone I will not a name said well you know just don't get your

[00:10:10] Nate: Hopes up and I you know I said and I was literally like that is the **** problem yeah that's the problem with everybody right now nobody's getting their **** hopes up yeah like what do you mean get your **** hopes up if your hopes are not up you are not putting in maximum effort to what you're doing because you already think that you're gonna fail right if I don't walk in that

[00:10:34] Jacob: **** and be like I already have this

[00:10:38] Nate: Attitude like they **** up letting me speak in front of them yeah like you already **** up here I'm here yeah like you should like you should've never let me in this **** door that's the way I look at it because if I don't

[00:10:51] Jacob: Think that I'm not gonna prepare I'm gonna lack self-confidence when I get in there because I'm like oh well we

[00:10:59] Nate: Do this thing that's like we almost don't put in the effort on purpose so if we do fail we have excuse and then we're not disappointing ourselves because failure in itself is a disappointment to some people depending on what we look at right but if you look it why would you not put in your full effort you're gonna fail no matter what like whatever goal you're trying to hit like I really feel like there's a connection with yourself if it's something that's so deep it wants to know how much you want it right and it's gonna test you and if you put in half a self you're getting a half-ass results like I feel like there's that I see it

[00:11:43] Jacob: From a male perspective a lot with like trying to talk to girls like my god I didn't care I didn't **** try anyways like **** her like forget about it like I saw that my entire life and then I'm like when I grew up I see it from an adult standpoint and I'm like what are

[00:12:00] Nate: People not getting their hopes up about they're not trying because you can't if you don't believe you couldn't do it you will not take the necessary steps into the necessary action to do these things what's that what's that you accept the

[00:12:14] Jacob: Love you think you deserve or something like that almost comes in right there like you free yourself yeah like it like if you let yourself be talked down out of your own dreams by yourself it's like what like what does that really mean and I think and in that just careful who you talk to you know I went to a family function yesterday and I knew it was gonna be like this and I was like dreading going I'm just not the surface level conversation kind of guy like that whole like hey how's it going kind of thing it just kills me and I was talking to my one of my family members and he was like no how you doing you know what are you doing and I'm honest

[00:12:55] Jacob: Like you know some people who aren't ready for it but I'm honest he's like you know how uh I was work I was life and I was like I don't know man I'm just trying to figure out what makes me happy and I was like you know I think I'm gonna get ready to you know get into a different industry I'm not sure and he was like oh yeah you ready for a career I'm like oh **** and I kind of wanted to be like I don't like to put people down you know right but I'm honest at the same time and I you know I held my tongue and I looked at him I just said nah man I'm trying to be happy and I kind of just wanted to be like you know I don't want your life I don't want to be **** miserable right you know I don't I don't want to work a job that I don't like I don't want to have you know I don't want to be trapped because I've created a

[00:13:41] Jacob: Family and created these things then all of a sudden no matter if I'm unhappy or not I can't make a change right I want to do it now and I want to figure out what makes me feel happy and makes me feel fulfilled right now before I get where you're at and then I can't make a change because you have obligations so I just really took me back and I was just like just like a check-in the light bulb and a check in the head and why I don't like that kind of stuff cause it's just like I'm honest you know I mean like but not a lot of people are gonna that conversation makes people really uncomfortable well can we talk so like that person the older person you said that to you like I want to actually

[00:14:19] Nate: Dig that sentence now I'm like you like so that person they weren't trying to but they put you down yeah so yeah so a lot of the thing that and this is my outside observation a lot of the times I think that a lot of our younger age people a lot of our age like our ambitions all these things I think whatever we're going through there's a lot of older people who are under the absorption that we're still doing that kid thing and we'll figure it out to where they're at eventually yeah would they think that whatever the **** we're doing right now we're all gonna end up exactly where they always knew we'd be yeah like you're gonna one day you're gonna ask me for that job at warehouse or one day you're gonna need me to get you on there and it's like they're and they think they're giving us grace a lot of the times I think a lot of a lot of people think like wool oh cool I'm let you do your thing but eventually you're gonna want to get what I want

[00:15:06] Jacob: Yeah I think what's more important that is like stop trying to see young people stop trying to see people like Nate ansmann and Jake Rhines as somebody who is going to eventually live a life from that you lived like oh like my life

[00:15:19] Nate: Already has been drastically different my thought patterns are very different than a lot of the people who would be saying those sort of things no any like I've worked for five years at a lumber mill in that and nothing against this way of living by any means but the whole time I was there it was this like everyone's like I do want you put more into your 401k and like why don't you go for this manager position why don't you do this and I'm like I'm not here I'm not I ain't here think yeah this is I'm here to put my work in and I'm not gonna be half-ass about it but my dreams are bigger than this and in like it's almost this I roll like they don't want to be disrespectful it be like okay like

[00:15:52] Jacob: They're just like waiting for you that day when you wake up and you're gonna make you know what I was wrong about all that dream stuff I'm just gonna well you know and I think when you find out what's really important you is one things change I really do like I was in

[00:16:05] Nate: A similar situation like that two years ago with a job and I started to realize that what I was doing for the money I

[00:16:14] Jacob: Was making was not sitting well with me

[00:16:17] Nate: And everyone thought it was crazy you know my parents thought I was crazy you're making how much like you know I

[00:16:26] Jacob: Didn't make I didn't make crazy money but in my tax bracket I mean I was in that like 18% like so you know the rest of the you know more well more than

[00:16:46] Nate: Half of America are making less money than me and I'm looking at this like why am I so unhappy what is it wrong like since like in like I can have everything I want everything I say that I've always wanted in my life I have the money to have it so what is going on yeah why don't I feel that thing I'm not happy I'm not fulfilled and I figured out that after a very

[00:17:16] Jacob: Long time and after somebody trying to help me and trying to tell me that things don't make you feel fulfilled and

[00:17:23] Nate: If you keep looking for a thing you're

[00:17:29] Jacob: It'll never stop it will never ever

[00:17:32] Nate: Stop and if there's constant reach for

[00:17:36] Jacob: Something that we don't have because we don't know what it's like to have it and

[00:17:42] Nate: We don't like the unknown so if you've never experienced that thing what's that thing like and all you can picture in your head about how great it's gonna be that's all you want until you have it and then you're like I said I mean it was the most unhappiest I've been its the unhappiest I've been so you so you're like your cheat you achieved the dream but it wasn't yours exactly it's like yeah like like where do you go from there like so at what point do you go from like okay

[00:18:15] Jacob: I'm at this but like at what point do you start listening to your own intuition and being like **** I got it you know I think I think the problem is that I feel like you can't have your cake and eat it too as I started listening to my ambition or intuition but I also stayed so I ended up getting fired because I was listening to myself and I was the things that I wasn't okay with that were going on I was talking to people about that work there so they would be aware of it and obviously that's a cancer for somebody that's trying to run a business so I was actually following my intuition but you can't stay there at the same time you know I mean I should have just walked away and I'm honestly that was the best thing that ever happened to me was getting fired from that place the best thing that's ever happened to me because I said I was like looking at myself like what are you gonna do like are you just

[00:19:17] Jacob: Gonna go back to doing that same thing and go back and find another jobs exactly like that one with the same amount of money or are you gonna now take this time to see that it's this is

[00:19:27] Nate: Your chance to tell people about what to believe in what believe in themselves and in believing character and integrity and like I made up this thing that it's like we judge a man by x when he has nothing when nobody's around and when there's nothing in it for him who are you in those times who are you when you don't have anything who are you when you have no materials who are you when you strip yourself down who are you when nobody's around when nobody's watching what are you doing right and who are you

[00:19:58] Jacob: When you're in situations that nothing benefits you what do you and I feel like those are three

[00:20:06] Nate: Questions that a lot of people need to ask themselves are you willing to do something when there's no when there's no guarantee are you willing to do something when there's nothing in it for you and I think that's a problem with our generation in our relationships you

[00:20:19] Jacob: Know they you know we're the 20/20 and in our generation we're the generation of entrepreneurs which is fantastic we're also the highest suicides ever the most depression the most all this stuff because I feel Evers are stupid these numbers are stupid they don't make sense brother and so I feel like you know that but I feel like we can be that change and we can be that balance because I feel like the reason that it was a little lower in our older generations because they conformed and I feel like that's why they didn't do those kind of things like we you know some people obviously change but you know you may be one person and whether you're happy or not you stay with them and you stay at your job and you pay your bills and it's like now we're on the opposite in the extreme we don't want to work at all and we don't want to be in our relationships that are hard and we don't want to do any things that are you know we don't want to have compassion for people the **** that happens right now in 2020 was not happening a long time

[00:21:12] Jacob: Ago people were more compassionate people were helping people there wasn't you know the amount of like it like those numbers that we're talking about there's those numbers were not like that for a reason because we had better quality human beings I was at the gym the other day with my homeboy I was stretching and he was at the squat rack and it's a wooden platform for dead

[00:21:33] Nate: Lifting he walks over and I'm like he's going to front desk I'm like I don't know what's going on somebody had spilled our whole entire water bottle on the platform walked away filled up his water bottle and came back so he told the guy at the front desk and the guy at the front desk walked over cleaned it up in front of the guy that spilled it the guy watched him clean it up and didn't say a **** word I walked over to us and weird oh **** I walked over to him and I tapped him I said that was the most disrespectful **** I've seen in a long time look good for you damn and he was like what and I was like you spilled that water and you just watched a guy walk over here clean

[00:22:13] Jacob: That up and it's not his job and you didn't say **** to him and he was like oh yeah you know you're

[00:22:20] Nate: Right my bad I was like dude don't say don't say sorry to me bro you don't owe me an apology go say sorry to him like the fact that he came up with a

[00:22:28] Jacob: Situation his head so fast and he looked at that dude and was like if I don't say anything or if I disrespect this guy it doesn't matter because he has a job to do and he'll lose his job if he says anything to me so you know that's what he was like any place to put people and that's what I'm saying the quality of people that we have right now is just shitty because I feel like we're not

[00:22:49] Nate: Empathetic because we fail to dig into

[00:22:54] Jacob: Ourselves and we fail to you think other people are ugly because you won't look yourself in the mirror and see that you're ugly everybody's ugly everybody's ugly and everybody's beautiful ain't that true I mean is true it's so true and I just we all got a bad wolf dude sometimes we were feeding it too long exactly also got a good wolf you know yeah I just I don't know it drives me insane to see **** like that and I think you know one of the reasons that I'm like so motivated to be different now is that I was that guy mm-hmm you know I would have been that guy I you know I can't really say I would have done that but you know I'm how do you how do you see okay so like in this situation you can see it now as like I was like similar have been that guy without in the thing is I don't think back then say three years ago you're this guy like you've let the **** spill you like I don't care like I don't think the thought is I know I spilled

[00:23:51] Jacob: That I know that **** guy has to come clean it up like I don't give a **** I'm whatever like I don't think it's so much like it's his **** job to clean it up I think it's more of like you're so caught up and thinking about yourself you're so caught up in your own and your own whatever that you're actually not self-aware you're actually not or emotionally aware of other people you know having because like even if so okay so in this moment as this dude's wiping this up right what would hurt what would hurt the guy who spilled the bottle what hurt him is to is to realize

[00:24:23] Nate: Like damn bro I just made that guy work harder I feel a little embarrassed yeah so to avoid that pain yes you just you don't even look at it yeah why are you picking up carry on with my **** bicep girl yeah I mean like I think a lot of the things that we do we don't even notice that what other people are suffering through because of us because of our lack of self-awareness our lack of we're so caught up in our own **** I think that you and I have advantage of then a lot of people talk about is it's like relationships I really feel like our relationships romantic relationships and our day and age are just especially our age people are just bad dude like really bad and I think that's a huge part of what's

[00:25:07] Jacob: Going on with our relationships is that we don't self we're not self-aware and we don't do the things that are necessary to be able to put ourselves and our partners shoes and and it's like how can i how can you know how can I look at you we have this vision for this person right you meet them that honeymoon stage right and everything's great you know it's like oh god we're just having sex all the time you know it's great and it's lovey dovey and you can't get enough of them and you spend every single day with them the second that they show you something you don't like we're ready to skate right and I did that for so long and that's

[00:25:55] Nate: Why I bounced around in relationships and that's why I have the reputation that I have is because it didn't matter how long I lasted me hey if it lasted six months and you didn't show me some ugly that's great and we're out six months if we lasted a year and you didn't show me something like that's great if it lasted two days and

[00:26:16] Jacob: You show me something ugly see ya like

[00:26:19] Nate: But I feel like what character is and what kind of person I am is this that's not it and I was doing something where I was using somebody else to fill something for me and the second that I saw a side of him that I didn't like boom see yeah right because of the fact I wasn't willing to do the work with myself and I wasn't able to

[00:26:45] Jacob: Dig into my own **** so there's

[00:26:48] Nate: Something about me that's ugly inside and until I get there until I do that

[00:26:54] Jacob: Work until I heal those childhood traumas until I heal all the **** that I've been through until I get past the fact that my first girlfriend left me until I get past all that there's no possible way for me to be empathetic towards my partner there's no way right

[00:27:09] Nate: And I'm like it's crazy because it's

[00:27:14] Jacob: Not until you know these years later that I feel bad I literally put these

[00:27:20] Nate: People through hell and ice Jake I swear I never felt bad no matter what I did I

[00:27:27] Jacob: Never once felt bad until right now

[00:27:32] Nate: That's **** heavy it's crazy

[00:27:35] Jacob: I've been trying my best to everybody but to respect people's boundary but to reach out to people and apologize to them because I feel like yeah you know it's like it's one of those just like better late than never kind of things because I mean I think it's so heavy on my heart like I'm just like I got I got it I got to say something right even if it doesn't you know even if it doesn't hit that mean if they don't give a **** even if they're don't you know I

[00:28:03] Nate: Finally understand now that I've dug

[00:28:07] Jacob: Into myself this is what you've done to people and people are looking at you crying and you're looking at them like oh my god you're so dramatic get away from me so ugly your traumas

[00:28:17] Nate: And your triggers are they're too much for me yeah within the whole time I was the ugly one because I wasn't sympathetic and I wasn't empathetic and I wasn't able to put myself in the person's shoes I think that having a

[00:28:33] Jacob: Healthy form of empathy I don't think you should make decisions based on empathy like oh I feel bad for you so I'm gonna do this or I'm gonna do that but taking that person's pain as your

[00:28:45] Nate: Own I mean how do you expect to have a long-lasting relationship if you don't have that kind of connection right and I think that's something that we really lock right now and I think in friendships to 2020 everybody's like **** cut the **** and I think that's great I'm all about being positive I don't like negativity but at the same time I value relationships so what point that we stopped looking at people before we walk

[00:29:09] Jacob: Away from them and say instead of saying you're ugly you're negative you're toxic by what point do we look them in the face and say what's going on hmm what

[00:29:19] Nate: Can I do instead of that's what we're doing people are ghosting people are cutting people off people are walking away from their friends and family and relationships before we asked if that's what's healthy for you if you have to get away fine but **** ask first

[00:29:36] Jacob: Right ask what is wrong you know you notice a lot of times when you ask people like that when you just like get into those moments of just giving them

[00:29:47] Nate: The space giving them the space to change and giving them the space of been like hey you know what bro I see that whatever you're mad about you ain't mad about that what the **** really going on and like a lot of times they can put up their guard quick we all do but a lot of times you can just ask them and it's enough for them to kind of like be like oh **** my momentum was in the wrong direction wasn't it kind of stop them and be like what is going on and then like damn there's a friend asking if I'm okay what should I say right should I tell them I mean I'm not and sometimes that's all it takes just asking yeah and it's like I think the reason we don't ask is because we have this fear that something in us

[00:30:23] Jacob: Might be exposed so that's why we don't

[00:30:26] Nate: Ask we're like something there's a reason

[00:30:29] Jacob: That person is toxic for you I firmly believe that if someone's in your life and they're toxic for you it means that there's something that you need to deal with you know so or if someone's making you uncomfortable or if someone is healthy pushes in the right direction are necessary and I feel like we take them as challenge especially as males so if you're trying to help us a female you don't know we know yeah we know where we're going we're the guys we're supposed to have everything you know like under control

[00:31:02] Nate: And we're supposed to have everything

[00:31:04] Jacob: Figured out you know and we don't if anything if anything I firmly believe that males need aren't guidance than females do to spit yeah I agree I'm with you on that hundred percent I just watched actually

[00:31:21] Nate: It's like the whole masculine feminine thing is freshman might have just watched last night birds of prey the one with a Harley Quinn yeah like the Suicide Squad one in Shaylee and I were talking about like masculine and feminine energy last night I feel like we hear that do you do you stumble across that and like you like the things that you watch the things you consume like masculine energy feminine because it's something that's new to me but I used to kind of back that's kind of **** weirdo but like it starts to make more sense and I think again I think it's I think that's what creates connection so I think for males I

[00:31:55] Jacob: Think we're brought up to be like a

[00:31:58] Nate: Little hardened and I think what makes us not deal with this stuff that we have going on inside is what keeps us hardened and when we start dealing with those problems in dealing with those traumas I feel like we soften up a little bit and we get and we get to the point where we can we can take care of our women like that's just what it comes down to like a women need to be

[00:32:25] Jacob: Emotionally taken care of and if you

[00:32:29] Nate: Haven't gone back and done that work you cannot take care of a woman emotionally you can't that's what it comes down to women need women need to be taken care of emotionally and if we don't as men go back and deal with this **** that we need to deal with we cannot take care of them we can't I can't show up for it no because what are you gonna do when she has a problem how do you do how do we

[00:32:51] Jacob: Deal with them stop crying about it right what do you mean and I think dude

[00:32:56] Nate: Something that I've had to discover because I thought that I could **** just like push away my **** I had to deal with from childhood forever I thought it was just good like I'm good I'm tough I'm cool like I'm good yeah I'm fine because that's what that's what that's what we're supposed to do but dude like then you get to a point where like a couple years ago it's like boiling point and what I what fell

[00:33:15] Jacob: Into me is I'm just naked having the worst anxiety attack of my life Shelly's holding his I'm just bawling in her lap for like hours and it was like this like healing thing I'm talking about here before yeah I mean in like that was one of the most difficult things I've ever done is just have that have that like for anybody to see any of us like that like foot like to be a man in this world like you don't want of course you want anybody see you cry but like for me it's like I would get behind closed doors by myself in my own house cry these how it just have my breakdown something breakdowns but I'd be like if Shay Lisi is that **** dude she is leaving me instantly there's no **** way she's not saying yeah there's that weird fear but it's me it's made our relationship better than it's ever but like relationship is stronger than it's one of those things like we don't want to have a kink and **** in our armor dude so if we do it's like you know we've put on this we've made this character as a male it's big its strong its you know

[00:34:13] Jacob: I mean it can defend it can protect but if we take that down who are we and I think that's the separation in our relationships right now is that women

[00:34:23] Nate: Don't operate like that women don't

[00:34:26] Jacob: Operate in a sense where you know all my men all my man does is go out

[00:34:32] Nate: Provide and protect me that's it you

[00:34:34] Jacob: You're not set up to succeed like that

[00:34:37] Nate: And I think that's the problem is that people are telling us that's what we need to do people are telling us we're supposed to guard and get these jobs supposed to have these material flashy things are supposed to have this you're supposed to have that this is the

[00:34:50] Jacob: Form of masculinity that we've been

[00:34:53] Nate: Shaped to apply our lives to and now we're wondering why our relationships are failing because we can't connect with our women you the reason that you're able to connect with her is that you finally shown her who you really are how can you connect with someone if you're not authentic and is I think that

[00:35:14] Jacob: Sounds a little a little harsh but when

[00:35:17] Nate: We're putting on that mask that we do

[00:35:20] Jacob: We're not being authentic but it's

[00:35:23] Nate: Really it's a lie you're lying to your

[00:35:28] Jacob: Partner subconsciously you're not speaking it but in not showing who you truly are you're lying I mean I think that was a big failure in my last relationship I was scared to show my partner who I

[00:35:41] Nate: Really was she never ever showed me that she would leave me if I told her anything but I just had this weird thing

[00:35:53] Jacob: About I can't tell her you know I can't tell her these things I can't tell her who I am inside because I'm a monster you know I feel like she's gonna judge me I feel like you know I've had people before where they would like you know just tell me these things then you tell them and they bounce so you build up this wall and you almost lose trust in

[00:36:16] Nate: Everyone but when you shouldn't people you need to be authentic and who you are and trust that the people that are supposed to be in your life are gonna be there and I truly believe that I found what it just opened up and just was like these are the things that I'm dealing with right this is why will you explore them with me will you take me to this place that I've never gone and I really don't want to go but I think that if we do that it will help our relationship finding a partner like that and I

[00:36:45] Jacob: Really think that men are so scared to show that side of them and I think if we start that we would be surprised how much better our relationships are we'll get and how much stronger of a connection we'll have with our women if we show those sides of us that's all they want like if someone is afraid of your demons they're not meant for you anyways and I and I truly believe that yeah god damn dude it's Henry Harvey's saying this just because I'm going through like

[00:37:18] Nate: Just like how sturdy Shaylee is by my side well yeah I was telling him and I've had I had some stuff from my

[00:37:28] Jacob: Childhood that I'm dude I'm just now dealing with you know I was avoiding it for too long within Lily the last week and it's been

[00:37:34] Nate: A lot of like I'm talking to Shaylee about it like we're just **** and hanging on the gate we're watching to eat we're having a good time yeah and then I just start **** bawling dude I can't take it and it's happens like multiple times a day because I'm just going through a pretty emotional time because of it but like she just her posture gets stronger and she just **** holds me man and she just and she just she helps me figure out and she lets me just ramble these words out and she's like okay well like maybe it's this and she doesn't judge me she doesn't make me feel worse for it she it's just like these things that I had

[00:38:07] Jacob: Spent so much time just being terrified like nobody's ever gonna **** I'm taking that to the grave with me like that's my trauma that's my **** you know and then when you I feel

[00:38:19] Nate: Like it's this weird transformation of

[00:38:25] Jacob: Weavile we've become something that we never wanted because somebody else told me told us that's what we were supposed to be and now you have to go all the way

[00:38:35] Nate: Back it's like it's like the wrong path it's almost like emotionally you're starting over and you're rewiring

[00:38:44] Jacob: Yourself like from a child so in order to get to where you're supposed to be and it to really truly be who you are

[00:38:53] Nate: It's gonna be rough I mean it's been really it's been rough for me I've never had I've always made it a joke but I've always had like tasks anxiety like oh I need to get this done and get this done if I don't get it done I don't feel it but I've been having real anxiety lately like waking up in the middle of night heart-pumping can't keep my leg still

[00:39:14] Jacob: Like for anybody that's had that like

[00:39:17] Nate: Salute to you because this shit's no joke it's real bro it's real and it's a

[00:39:23] Jacob: Human thing it's okay to feel it you don't have to like yeah I feel it yeah and I really feel like I'm just some something's going on that I'm not dealing with and you know I'm like I said I'm you know I'm I got to be you know motivational and I got to be I got to get up and you know lately it's been

[00:39:38] Nate: I feel like my creative brain has been better at night so I've been staying up hella late instead of getting my ass up really early I'll stay up to like three or four o'clock in the morning because I just feel like my creative brain is just I don't know something about it so I'm about letting things happen during the day and then unwinding at night and then letting it all out somewhere on a piece of paper through a video or something it's just something about it is so much better I feel like when I wake up my brains which could be good but I feel like that's what I'm taking information in instead of letting information out but yeah I've been having a hard time sleeping bro I mean I haven't slept and good in a really long time and I've you know I feel like it's just something that I'm holding in that I need to let out and I've you got to go there you got

[00:40:25] Nate: To go there you have to go there with yourself you have to dig up that **** that you don't want to dig up that's how we create better connections with our partners that's how we create better connections with ourselves you can't know what you want if you're if you're living a life that somebody else built for you can't know what you want if you're living a life where you're running from your past or you're running from things like you're still carrying it and yeah I just we got to

[00:40:53] Jacob: Grow and it's a lot harder than I then than you think I really I really thought growth was um success for a really long time like well you know I'm

[00:41:05] Nate: Growing my income is increasing my you

[00:41:09] Jacob: Know I'm in a relationship closer to buying a house I'm closer to buying a house I you know III don't have a car payment I pay my car off I live in a

[00:41:19] Nate: Really nice place I'm growing and I

[00:41:22] Jacob: Wasn't I was going backwards because in that time that I was doing all those things in accomplishing quote-unquote I

[00:41:30] Nate: Was unhappy so you're either growing or you're dying I feel like and I feel like I my soul was dying every single day that I wasn't being authentic every single day that I wasn't dealing with the **** that I should have been dealing with to make my relationship strong I've you know and there's obviously there's two sides to everything but I feel like you know I'm someone that I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life is my fault because I'm gonna use the word that I don't know if I should use we talk about masculinity but I couldn't man up right like that doesn't have to be a toxic sentence yeah and I think and I think that's what I think but I think that's the redefinition of it's like

[00:42:12] Jacob: Doing the things that are necessary like even emotionally we think that it's like all physical but it's not it's like I should have just manned up and communicated about the things I was going through I know that it would have brought us closer together and if I didn't then we weren't meant for each other but how could I be empathetic to her how can I be you know empathetic or sympathetic to anything that she's gone through anything that I've done to hurt

[00:42:42] Nate: Her feelings and to take care of her emotionally if I'm not in touch with that side of myself and that's where I feel like that softens us when we deal with ourself we connect ourselves to our feminine how do you think you're gonna

[00:42:54] Jacob: Connect with a woman you're not with a

[00:42:56] Nate: Dude right you want to marry a dude than all fine be **** with it be bros up and Clank you're **** you're Coors lights together and have a great life but you want to be with the woman you gotta be you have to be in touch with your feminine I don't care what anybody says you have to be I agree cuz how can you take care of her how are you gonna understand this person across to me like trying to trying to it's a different me they're a different being yeah bro we're like when we're talking everything that you say I'm not thinking that you should be thinking of it as if you live Jake Ryan's is life up until they're like it's you having a completely different perspective and not only that life but it's like the way that things are handled emotionally the way that like dude a woman is a completely different being than us know if got to like be able to meet them where they're at and have it's we

[00:43:49] Nate: Were talking about this thing we're talking about I use the example of like mowing your lawn like sometimes you could be a dude mowing your lawn and then all sudden you get interrupted through your headphones because a guy in a Honda Civic just drove past your house yeah and revs up his engine II like what the **** was that about and like that dude the Honda Civic probably doesn't even realize he just did this kind of like douchey like I'm a

[00:44:09] Jacob: Man and you're man no yeah you know like

[00:44:12] Nate: Like in yo and I'm not even clowning because I have plenty of the same things there's plenty of times that I have I have a **** my car has 22 so I'm

[00:44:20] Jacob: Super proud of oh yeah when I'm driving oh you definitely when I got a sound system and I see another **** with like you know he's got a pretty cool car yeah I'm gonna turn my sound so you have to like nowadays though like I feel like I see that and I'm like what am i trying to do here like what a dorky ass thing to do and but trying to do it's a competition yeah it's a it's a

[00:44:39] Nate: Male masculinity competition we think that we compete for in that moment though so because we think that it's all about mating that's what our brain is wired our brain is wired for mating so even though we're trying to impress girls we're actually trying to do is

[00:44:57] Jacob: **** on the other guy yeah because if that puts you on top of the food chain you have your pick of the litter of your mates well think about animals like

[00:45:07] Nate: That's really where we are well we are and yeah like oh that there's a woman here and like this crab is gonna prove to that woman so because he wants to mate with her he's gonna **** crab his claws like I got the biggest claws and he's gonna make a dance he's not even talking the woman he's just dancing random dancing and there's another bro that walks by and he's like what the **** I got bigger claws and like they're battling with each they fight each other and were the girls for instead of talking to the woman yeah we fight each other she's like well I'm just gonna go watch some TV if you feel like that's such that's

[00:45:37] Jacob: Like that um that whole unhealthy like going out life is that's what that's all about I find that like you know when I people watch and I work in a bar so it's like a lot of times these dudes aren't even talking to the girls they're like just spending their time worrying about these other dudes think about them because it's like this subconscious of being better than the guy next to you so you can be chosen by that woman right well

[00:46:08] Nate: Sometimes I think that we go into these environments thinking that we're just having a good night and thinking that we're just have no I'm just chilling but like bro what's happening in your body is you walk into that bar you walk in that Club that environment and you're **** puffed up you're like I think I'm out here to have a good time with the boys think of my headless system good music but what's really happening is you're just walking around with your chest as hard as you can get it and making sure nobody thinks they can **** with you bro you're stuck in a you can't

[00:46:33] Jacob: **** with me attitude the whole night and said just live in your life you know like if you're having a conversation one-on-one it's just you and your friend from college you haven't seen him while you're at the bar it's a busy ass boy if you're not if you're you can't even be focused on this one-on-one conversation and I'm kind of concerned that like somebody's gonna beat you up you're kind of concerned that like you park next to that **** you know really like him like you know he's here like it's this thing that we do to ourselves and I think just noticing like oh **** my brain like I'm not my thoughts yeah unlike my brain is like okay it seems that I'm kind of like worried more about other people right now what's that all about like shake that off with your body you know like let your guard down if you are in these positions but how dude you got a notice

[00:47:15] Nate: It again being self-aware what is it really what am I really worried about in this moment what's gonna get me towards

[00:47:25] Jacob: What I want and ultimately it's again if

[00:47:28] Nate: It's about a relationship you go in the

[00:47:31] Jacob: Opposite direction going outwards and trying to be better than the next person next to you or trying to be better than or trying to be better than your own ego

[00:47:42] Nate: And be trying to be more masculine you're going the opposite way when you should be walking backwards towards your partner right we're good and this is what we do we go out and we get and we want to get drunk and we want to fight and we want to prove our masculinity but the masculinity in itself is that in

[00:48:00] Jacob: The turning around and in the turn around and go you know like what is it gonna take for my partner to feel good and what's it gonna take for us to have a better relationship that's what masculinity is to me it's not the flexing it's not the chest puffs and it's not all the other **** it's

[00:48:19] Nate: Connecting the two energies connecting the masculine connecting the feminine is my partner's really happy or am I just out here trying to prove something that doesn't **** matter right because how to put my own **** that I'm even seeing you don't see it so then you neglect your partner you neglect their needs what does it really take neat what does it really take to take care of a woman I have this moment I've talked about on him for him I told you before a couple years ago and I just was texting Shaylee about it this morning where I had this like I don't know where it came from but I had this like moment of like hope almost like it wasn't like my typical like you doing you **** piece of **** **** you like I normally feel but I have this hopeful moment of what happened literally we went out we had a couple drinks and we had a good night we had fun and we wasn't out that late it was just like kind of a chill night we're just going and what happened is I felt a little - a little too tipsy to drive and so I got behind the wheel and what I did

[00:49:18] Jacob: Shaylee sitting right next to me as I pulled out a bag blow that I had and I took a key bump you know just to clear it before I Drive yeah and then what happened is I took this key bump in this sudden thing which normally this is where self-hate would come but I had this sudden like what have you just made normal to this **** wonderful person next to you what did you cuz she didn't matter not sure just text and she knew that I just did it like **** yeah like I'm like Jesus like I care about this one more than anything in the world and like not that she's gonna hate me for whatever I'm going through but like I just made this situation normal I'm a little more tipsy than I want to be I wasn't drunk but I was and her life was in more danger than if I was completely

[00:49:54] Nate: Sober right and you know I made that normal bro and I have this intuition of

[00:49:58] Jacob: Like what are you doing you know like in it sparked this thing and me man and it was like I don't

[00:50:04] Nate: Know but I think that if more people can like see those small moments of like we're so caught up in our own heads I'm like well I want to make sure that I can drive down I don't want to **** DUI like whatever that's what I'm thinking instead of being like how about like what like she is alive on this earth you

[00:50:19] Jacob: Know like what like do I want her to like waste her time with me sucking you know yeah like what am I gonna make her like the rest of her life how does it look if I continue to do this yeah he's gonna keep doing more plump bumps of blow next month and because and again

[00:50:33] Nate: It's taken have an integrity like you

[00:50:38] Jacob: Know she loves you and you're like men do things that we can get away with 100% that's why if I listen to a lot of these things about relationships I'm like you know don't you know don't sleep with somebody on the first day because we're gonna take what we can get that's just you know I mean that's just what we do if you keep doing that and she may not be okay with it but she may be like you know I love Jake he's going through something like hopefully this passes you know but it's like you in that moment you realize that it really like what am i doing like what am i putting

[00:51:15] Nate: Her through because I can because I know that she loves me and obviously I mean that's I don't know what her thoughts are on that but I'm sure she's like I guess I mean sure right yeah I mean she but she just it was like it was a thing that I had made it with she had become normal that's it that situation had become normal nothing I did all time but she didn't bat an eye it was whatever but I was so again you're so destructive

[00:51:41] Jacob: In your own path like I'm not caring about myself and this is what we're talking about like how you can shift your perspective and realize that you're in your own head and start caring about somebody else you know like start instead of like I'm thinking like

[00:51:54] Nate: Even of making her think towards me like like if she was like hey what are you doing I'm like well I need it in like blah yep I have some justification

[00:52:02] Jacob: Right but even then justifying it is

[00:52:04] Nate: Still me not looking out for her yeah

[00:52:07] Jacob: And you there's there was like there had to have been some sort of underlying thing there and why you thought that was okay and what whatever created

[00:52:18] Nate: That habit for you that you didn't realize and that's what I again being self aware like we talked about

[00:52:27] Jacob: What is driving you to do one healthy things it's not just the unhealthy thing there's something attached to the unhealthy thing that's making you do that until you find out the root of what that is you can't snip that unhealthy thing you can't just cut out the unhealthy thing because of the fact that

[00:52:46] Nate: Humans need a reason for everything we as much as we say it is what it is we don't think that we don't ever think it is what it is we always why do I do this why do I do that why did that person do this why did I end up here it makes so much severy thing has to have a reason you have to connect your reason to it which is fine so do that figure out that reason figure out why you're doing those unhealthy things with my biggest issue in my last relationship

[00:53:13] Jacob: Was sex I looked at one way for a very long time and it was

[00:53:22] Nate: About dominance and it was about a woman

[00:53:25] Jacob: Self-sacrificing and it was about

[00:53:28] Nate: Affirmation so I needed the dominance because I wanted to feel powerful I needed the affirmation because I was seeking it from my dad and he wasn't giving it to me so I thought if somebody else was telling me I was good oh yeah you're good at this you could have this you're good at this you're so stronger so this year so that and it was about

[00:53:48] Jacob: Self-sacrifice so can you do something that you don't really believe in or something that you don't really necessarily like to do for me you must love me you must care about me and so now when I'm with my partner who I truly

[00:54:02] Nate: Do have genuine feelings for how do I shake that part of me how do I get to a point where I'm not thinking about sex that way how do I get to a point where sex isn't about dominance and it's about love and it's about sharing something with somebody how do I get to that point where I'm not thinking about being affirmed or I'm not which I mean I think I don't think in a healthy relationship that's a bad thing but the dominance and the and the self-sacrifice is bad you know I was with a strong woman was like something in your eye tells me that you're getting off on what I'm doing in a different way like something about in

[00:54:42] Jacob: This looks unhealthy and ain't like you look like you're enjoying this in a different way than I think you are and I was I've looked at you know I was like I

[00:54:53] Nate: Was almost into like this weird like porn style sex and then when I got with somebody that I was cared about how do I

[00:55:07] Jacob: Have sex now I'm confused now I'm

[00:55:10] Nate: Like oh maybe we should just like you know make love like all the time and like just do missionary and like because I don't want to pull your hair or do anything like that because that brings me back to where I was because I wasn't dealing with it and I didn't know what was triggering it and I had sex like that every I can remember from 18 all the way to 26

[00:55:33] Jacob: And partner after partner after partner after partner after partner the same stuff just getting worse and worse and

[00:55:40] Nate: Worse and worse and getting more deeper

[00:55:45] Jacob: Because it wasn't fulfilling me so if I think this is gonna fulfill me and it doesn't it becomes an obsession

[00:55:51] Nate: So I'm obsessed with trying to get this affirmation and taking it deeper and

[00:55:56] Jacob: Getting like more emotionally checked out and just being like you know like who are you like you're just like an animal at this point and that was a

[00:56:08] Nate: That was huge and our relationship is

[00:56:11] Jacob: The fact that I couldn't differentiate the sex I couldn't differentiate the it was like you know it's a like you gotta be able to be do everything for your partner before you know I'm but I'm like you know I can't do this style with you I can't do these certain things with you because it's triggering something into me that makes me go back to these things that I was once doing before because I hadn't dealt with it I hadn't dealt with all these needs that I needed from why do I need dominance why do I need to be affirmed you know what I mean why don't any of these why do I need all these things mentally and why are they coming through insects using us because

[00:56:52] Nate: Sex is like the easiest way to get it yep like the 100 percent bro I think I listen to I feel like it comes up in a

[00:56:59] Jacob: Lot of the podcasts that I listen to you they talk about like the state of pornography you know so even outside of ourselves just like pornography ads like just look at it if you had never watched pornography before like and you're really looking at it like comparing what happens when you watch a video versus like an actual relationship you know like the way that sex isn't a thing that you're taught growing up it's not a thing that like you're like it's okay here's the rules and here's how you communicate this yeah and here's this and so I think that a lot of

[00:57:31] Nate: People and I just like pointing out like porn is like do to imagine being a young kid right now like I mean like I'm sure growing up like you and I probably watched **** and whatever and that probably pregnant pain and vision of what we think was okay or whatever - but right now imagine like Duke bro you can be any years old and you could for free go to whatever Korn website and you could watch the most **** up **** with a **** up title yeah this stuff and like bro like what's this gonna do to these kids in ten years and not and I think and that's the problem is that we get these this **** ahead of that's what's normal now I'm like these know these kind of

[00:58:06] Jacob: Things are what's making me or what's getting me off like and it was just like

[00:58:14] Nate: So unhealthy like it was what was unhealthy about it wasn't the axe cuz I'm not like I'm not Indian Lee like weird **** but it the it was the dominance it was the dominance and in that dominance it was emotionally

[00:58:30] Jacob: Disconnecting and that's what was making our house member you get ready in the dark yeah whenever you talked about that before it's like almost like getting the sex and then it's like you lock into that dark place and just like you associate the of them in that dark place now yeah I never yeah it was so weird

[00:58:49] Nate: Man it was it was really it was really tough for me and that's why I took the whole abstinence route because it was confusing I was like yo I can't do I can't keep doing this like I really have to put an end to this and that's and it's hard and it's hard to talk about -

[00:59:04] Jacob: I mean think about it everyone you know everyone's like all you're just a **** like you know what do you like you know and it was different a normal conversation yeah and it's just like you know to come out you know as a young male 28 years old and say that I'm confused with sex like it's not an easy thing but I feel like that's somebody else's going through that and if I talk about it I can just be catalyst and that's what and that's what

[00:59:30] Nate: I want to do and that's what and that's what comes that's why everything is coming down to and this is this whole vulnerability thing for me and talking about the things that I go through is I just I know I'm gonna connect with somebody can reach out to me or someone's gonna listen to this and they're gonna and they're gonna back while I'm not alone you know or you know look at who he is on his on his

[00:59:49] Jacob: Instagram and his highlights but he still goes through this kind of stuff and you know I like to show this stuff more often than people think just be a life's not always sweet you know I mean and I think what we do especially in our relationships is we're like you know that's our business you know that's our business no **** even if like you break up you might be able to help another couple like you know if there's some things that you're embarrassed about I mean that's just you can help somebody else and that's why I feel like it did take me a while to talk about this kind of stuff but I feel like if there's somebody or another male or another couple that goes through this kind of **** right now and if someone can look at this and say wow maybe it is okay to talk about it because it is it's okay to talk about everything

[01:00:43] Nate: You cannot work through **** alone 100% by yourself people use counsellors people use therapists people their partner is like I know very few people that can dig into the darkest depths of their mind and go there and come out on the other side button so it's very tough so but I think even getting into that and going into it grabbing the eye I think a lot of times that I like something that I try to like reiterate because something that like we almost forget about or something like when we're listening to people or like oh I ain't that right that like so if somebody's like in the you know if there's some 17 year old who just loves hardcore porn more than anything he's listening to us right now he the **** bro what he what are you saying I think that like a huge thing is like dude you

[01:01:34] Jacob: Aren't born one way and you don't have to stay that way you know and I think that if you come to a point in your life where you notice like man this isn't **** working for me this **** is not work if there's this moment and get him to the Greek where Russell Brand jumps off the **** route the jump off the building and he jumps into the pool but he hits his arm and he **** breaks his arm is yeah and he just Aaron comes up and he's like he's like man this is he's like I want some help he's like it's just not working for me this is not working for achill

[01:02:06] Nate: And it's not know this isn't working

[01:02:09] Jacob: Dude there's blood everywhere yeah but I

[01:02:12] Nate: Think it's like the because I would

[01:02:15] Jacob: Get caught up in like hating myself too

[01:02:17] Nate: Much to motivate myself you like and I think just knowing like okay I have these things that are coming up and I want to change them and I want it I want to think differently I don't want to do differently I don't want to do a bump a blow before I Drive my girlfriend really like I think just like when you have that moment that little like **** Firefly or whatever it is that little spark of something that comes up you got it that cool maybe I wasn't that way before but I can change like I can I can start to think differently in changing as an immediate either like it sometimes it takes pain like you're like I noticed these things and you're like I'm having **** bad couple days man there's a lot of times the light shines through the wound remember that the light shines through the wound there's something

[01:02:56] Jacob: About there's something about being pain and I just think of it directly with working out like being pain like having that lactic acid just build up in your chest or your legs or wherever in your

[01:03:14] Nate: Arms and it's like this bro pump right but there's something that's so satisfying when you put it down and I really feel like I've gotten there mentally too like Nate you're always better after this you always feel better after this you always connect with somebody after this I neglected connection for so long I was that guy like I would literally go to a bar to eat I would get off at my work go to another bar to eat and I would leave my headphones in the entire time so no one would talk to me like I neglected connection because I was so worried about myself and so in my head that and

[01:03:52] Jacob: I not wanting to deal with you know the **** I was really just afraid someone was gonna ask me a question that was gonna hit me in the wrong way like are you gonna ask me something that's gonna bring up something that I don't want to deal with and so I just kept to myself I shut so many people out I lost a lot of friends I my ego was so strong that I pushed people away from me too because I would just like you know if you don't you know this is easier for me just to get you out of my life than to deal with what I have going

[01:04:26] Nate: On and then create a connection with you and now I'm just like man I take that extra time to create connections to people I know I'm I still don't drink but honestly I have been going out to like after work functions and hanging out with friends and like I'm creating friendships like I have I do that I'm

[01:04:43] Jacob: Recently just started being friends with from work and our connection is like crazy and I'm like dude how many other people could I have done this with like how many other people could I have these dope connections with if I would've just open myself up and you know and we took in even like I'm like oh you know it's this dude is like he's a he's a he's a football player so I'm like oh he probably want to hear what the **** I have to say I judge him you know I mean something like oh he's a **** man's man you know I'm saying he don't want to hear my man mean oh yeah girl **** yeah you know and it's like completely opposite you know he's talking to me about as a relationship he's talking to me about this **** that he's gone through it's just like oh like again how many people are going through things that you don't know about or when you're neglecting to go through your own **** you could have been connecting with somebody but instead you're emotionally

[01:05:31] Nate: Disconnected and that's where I was and I was emotionally disconnected everywhere I couldn't care for anyone around me because I didn't care for myself right to dig into that and to pull up the things that you need to deal with and to pull up the childhood **** that creates self-love like it really does because then you're empathetic for yourself you can look at yourself and like yo I've made it through that like but if you don't even think about it if you're just worried about the next thing and the next thing and next thing that's what the unfulfilled feeling is but when you turn backwards and you look yourself in the mirror I'm like I went through that whole time a **** hell and I

[01:06:13] Jacob: Bodied that **** but I murdered it right

[01:06:16] Nate: You get that self-love and you get that

[01:06:19] Jacob: Empathy for yourself and then you can pass it on somebody else you can't love somebody until you love yourself you can't love your friends you can't love your family how you're supposed to until you can love yourself until you can be empathetic inside you can't pass it you can't sharing you don't have but you can't share

[01:06:36] Nate: Anything that you don't have this huge

[01:06:41] Jacob: Man it's huge and I was also distracted by the sound of that running water it's **** bum me out that's okay and that's the thing I do this year that's

[01:06:50] Nate: Another **** man I agree I think just

[01:06:55] Jacob: Like giving yourself giving yourself

[01:06:58] Nate: Grace to dig into it and know that people are still gonna love you mmm I think that's been a huge thing like I like reframing who you are from the ground up it's like just as big as

[01:07:12] Jacob: It sounds oh like going back like I was saying like I you know there's some **** that I was like dealin from younger like going back it's like it hurts to

[01:07:20] Nate: Even talk about like let alone like rip it apart and see you like alright what did it what has it caused me bad or does it cause I'm good what is it like taking dude its opening doors that are closed really like in reframing your mental structures one thing I really want people to know and I really want to drive us home is that reframing your mind and rebuilding yourself is an accomplishment mm-hmm take that take that win right don't let anybody take that from you that is a win it can you are handsome if you are happy that is a win don't let anybody tell you because you don't have this or because you don't have that or because you're broke or because you live with your parents or because you do this no matter what it is if you have rebuilt yourself inside you are a **** winner yeah you are because that **** is so hard like and also to if you can tell people about

[01:08:15] Jacob: It like what do you think this guy's thinking to me when I'm like I don't know I just want to be happy like what's next for you trying to be happy he's he's like that's why I don't like that those surface level conversation because I'm like you know we have nothing to talk about yeah you're miserable send me through your frame yeah and you're miserable and not willing to talk about it I am so this is gonna be a **** conversation because you're not gonna be honest with me and I'm gonna be honest with you think about that situation like if I was in the other person's shoes just like

[01:08:46] Nate: Like if somebody told me like oh if I'm like hey man what's next like what's up like and they told me like yeah I just want to be happy I'd be like okay like tell me about that like I'd be like well **** that seems like holy **** what an incredible opportunity beautiful honest conversation and you just shut that off by saying like well when you work at the mill you'll be happy what are you gonna do well so you must be looking for a new career yeah like no dude that's no that's what

[01:09:10] Jacob: I'm not trying to do you think yeah through different stages they got it but I think that when you can meet somebody where they're at not where you're at you know not like yeah I wasn't I wasn't offended by it I just think it was like one of those things where it's like again I've been there I've been there like I really I feel like I saw the world through a different lens my whole entire life but I was so caught up

[01:09:35] Nate: In myself that I conformed like how honestly I was a bully in high school I would look at these kids and I would be like oh that's an easy way for me to feel better about myself but instead of looking at like why do you see that kid that way because you see him differently

[01:09:53] Jacob: Than everybody else does so instead I took advantage of it and so you know I connect with a lot of people that people think are different like when you and I connect I mean you're definitely a different dude I connect with those people that are like I'm like I wonder what that person is drawing yeah I mean like I would always do that whatever like oh they're there just by themselves you know because I was some lonely ass **** yeah you know I mean like tell yourself to think that but I always saw the world that way but I really feel like and again this is man this is really hard for me to share and really hard for me to say but I am I was too scared to be different I was too scared to be emotionally different and so I was just the same as everybody else

[01:10:36] Nate: And that's where I feel like you and

[01:10:38] Jacob: I are similar because you went through that extreme phase of like doing all the weird **** with the clothes and all that other **** and I did the same thing I mean I dyed my **** hair I had a blonde Mohawk and next thing you know I'm just trying to I'm screaming from the inside next thing you know it's cool and everybody's doing it like I the next year after I graduated it might year I had a blonde Mohawk next thing I know everybody has a blonde Mohawk yeah and I'm like you made it cool and I'm like I was an accident like I was just trying to be different I just wanted you guys to see how it was different you know I've got four holes in my ears like earrings like it's like oh it's different no dude has the double hole right now like I was the first one to do it and then I had a double eyebrow like and then I got tattoos it's like that's like a weird do you think small town like does this happen if you grew up in like **** Seattle downtown under I wonder

[01:11:33] Nate: Because nobody knows a thing yeah I wondered like no that myself aside from all these being we grew up kind of like again I would say riding the wave of Technology like we weren't so like when we were in high school it wasn't like super on it well as much on social

[01:11:45] Jacob: Media yeah from when I remember but I think that a lot of the times we're

[01:11:51] Nate: Like we're trying to set ourselves so

[01:11:56] Jacob: Far apart from people gosh sometimes it seems to me like just looking back and like a lot of things that I would be like wearing or whatever it's like a weird cry for help in a weird way no that's what it wasn't and that's what I'm saying is that it was like we were scared to be emotionally different so we were physically different well I also you know what as it's just coming up as I'm thinking about it because I've always liked since I was since I was younger I always like I always like dressing differently like it was just I always been what kind when its ninth grade with pink hair like just the tight pants everything piercings whatever but I think some I'm coming up with like my

[01:12:32] Nate: Family a lot is realizing that when I was young and still to this day like they make fun of **** everybody gets made fun of and so I had this when I was nine the crazy thing you

[01:12:44] Jacob: Know a lot of things happen to me my life changed a lot and it was really this like the way that I survived in my head was like I gotta be nothing like these people you gotta make I gotta build myself into this person that needs like you or like you almost you can't belong there you're so different so I would I would even like you know a lot the way I don't dress and things that I would do would be even like whatever I can do to push myself farther away because like it makes me like no one can physically associate with you with them right yeah right and in the in I was somebody like I was definitely on the outside of them when I knew that they make fun of people who dress like me so like when I show up to see you the next time I'm dressed in that same thing you just made fun of someone but you're gonna ignore it you can act like you didn't say it and we could be built off little **** like that like a lot of the **** I dress could be summarized to trying to

[01:13:33] Jacob: Prove that I'm different than my family that's how **** simple we need some time yeah but you can reframe that and you can like what's up with that what do I want that like yep yeah and I think

[01:13:43] Nate: Also to finding out because I feel like

[01:13:48] Jacob: You're still different but finding out

[01:13:51] Nate: The differences that were truly you and

[01:13:54] Jacob: The differences that you were forcing so

[01:13:57] Nate: I feel like for me like it was always about outside it was always about me being you know different but also maybe in the best time I was best dressed in high school in my senior year so now I'm like now that I'm different can I still associate with fashion and I'm like I like it but can I go back

[01:14:16] Jacob: There you know I mean and so I wasn't until recently you know I feel like I

[01:14:22] Nate: Did this weird thing where I was like

[01:14:25] Jacob: Wearing sweats every day and like the

[01:14:27] Nate: Same sweatshirt like I would have two of the same sweatshirts and I would just wear I like I had this long period where all my days off and when I wasn't working I was dressed like I would say like a homeless guy like and I think is because I was like god I like those things but that's the old me do I really like it or is that still those things that I'm battling and things that I'm facing and I think what it is I finally just came to the conclusion and I just mixed the two I'm gonna have my clothes that I like but I wear the same

[01:15:01] Jacob: Ones often like I have you know the shoes that I used to have I have these expensive you know high-priced Jordans and I have two pairs instead of twenty so it's like there's a there's that mixture now of like I like Jordans but I don't need two one exactly like I like and I'm like you know but I had this weird like hate for myself like why don't have this pole towards these shoes what I'll have this Poulter's is pair of pants what I have this pole towards this hoodie hitting spot for hate to sneak yeah and it's like because I was like associating with the old me so Nate are

[01:15:32] Jacob: You still forcing yourself to try to be different or you do you genuinely like these things and I think it was like I really had to sit back and like okay what do I like about it you know and I had to do that with my entire life what am I trying to be different you know what car am i buying am i buying that car because I want to be different and my or am i buying that car cuz I like it am i buying you know what am i involving myself in right now is it is it to be different is it is it that cry

[01:15:58] Nate: That you were doing before or is it really what you truly love and I think that I'm starting to find that I think that's the process of rewiring yourself and finding yourself as being okay with certain things that you didn't think we're okay at one point or getting rid

[01:16:11] Jacob: Of the things that you thought were okay at one point - yeah and allowing yourself to evolve out of them because I think that I did like when I would just start **** hanging out here all the time when I like she started getting better I kind of went through the same thing like I would listen to these things about like Steve Jobs what he would do is he just wear the same thing every day and I'm like **** man I wonder like what and I was trying to just eliminate like some madness in my head really and I'd be like I need to cut out some choices you know it does take me 15 minutes to get dressed because I stress like all right where am I going who's gonna see me who like what I wanted to be wearing when they see me like these weird thing so I was like let's cut out let's cut that out and so I start wearing the same thing I was wearing a white **** t-shirt yeah and like just some with the same draggers every day yeah but I think I think there's a

[01:16:56] Nate: Lot of this that's like the it's inevitable for a lot of us right like we're gonna there's a lot of people are gonna be in the middle of that stage

[01:17:03] Jacob: Right now I think for me like so my car for example is this cool stage that I'm at in my life as a 20 year old my car when I was like 16 years old my car was

[01:17:13] Nate: The **** car I'm and I saw **** it's probably more of a Bentley when I first saw it but at Chrysler 300 I was like bro that drop-top looking **** oh

[01:17:20] Jacob: Yeah I was like I'm getting that yeah

[01:17:22] Nate: Bro I got that I got my I got a good job

[01:17:25] Jacob: Whatever you want and I **** got it and now I've had it for years and years and it's like it's like yesterday it was broke down I've been fixing it you know and like I'm just thinking I'm like you know I'm glad I had this car and I've had it for many years I loved it and I seriously this was my dream car like some people wanna **** porch this million dollars this was mine I got it yeah but I'm at this point my life now where I'm like is this actually bringing me down like is this is this is it time to move on from this stage of my car because now I'm like I want like a 4x4 Jeep because I like to go into the woods yeah like in 22 inch rims don't really help me get you know so it's like oh yeah 22 inch rims were seemed like they were beneficial back then right to me because it's like helped me feel cool and my ego and it's what I wanted yeah but I think being able to like readjust and say like you know what like I was there and I did have all these Jordans but like if I sold them look it's all right

[01:18:14] Nate: I think it's uh what you're doing is you're afraid to let a part of your identity go no doubt so this is how you

[01:18:22] Jacob: Associated with yourself for a really

[01:18:26] Nate: Long time and that's what we yearn for self Association Who am I what do i do what do I believe in what do I Drive what do I wear what time do I get up what do I eat blah etc so

[01:18:38] Jacob: You get your dream car and then you're

[01:18:41] Nate: Like I don't want it anymore and it's almost a fear of letting it go I feel like we can subconsciously do that with a lot of **** like our trauma how we associated ourselves like I really convinced myself that I was stupid for a

[01:18:59] Jacob: Long time like anything that you hear

[01:19:03] Nate: About me is gonna be physical it's gonna be that I'm in shape it's gonna be that I did a sport it's gonna be that I wrote a bike it's gonna be this it's gonna be that the speaking thing you probably

[01:19:13] Jacob: Won't hear that from this version

[01:19:16] Nate: Of me because I'm not confident in myself in those other areas so I was like can I let that go kind of let go with the fact that I don't think that I'm a student can I let go the fact that I don't think that I can learn anything new that I'm just all physical well if I don't get a sponsorship from my bike

[01:19:32] Jacob: From a big company you know I'm never gonna be able to follow my dreams I was

[01:19:38] Nate: Neglecting the fact that I can that I can let that part of me in that how I was identifying I can let that go but that's a weird thing because that's all we want we want to find this identity and then when we find it the possibility of there being another identity is scary yeah really scary because now you're like do I even want this car and

[01:19:59] Jacob: You're like well of course I do it's my dream car what do you mean right don't tell yourself that you like going back and forth in your head because you're scared of like moving on to something else right which is weird because that's the whole point of growth in itself so do you think that we get to like you know you're your latter 20s when you **** step from being a boy into being a man you know a lot of us like where we're at like obviously were through a lot of change but we're also **** just growing up and dream men yeah we can I think like because I'm at a point where like I'm not trying I'm not on the market to buy a new car right now I'm not like out looking her yeah but I I think I have come to terms with like I'm so pumped that I had that car it's not like **** I want to get rid of thing it doesn't yeah I think we also got

[01:20:40] Jacob: To do as we're momentum we're **** moving forward we're good like here's on to the next one on the next on the signing ourselves a task we've got to sometimes be like you know what I did Jake Ryan's man you're **** cool

[01:20:50] Nate: Man like it's cool that you got that dream car that you wanted and I'm proud of you for getting it you know and like now I just heard myself say that you know now I can I can let that car go without being like that's not my identity I hate that old guy yeah I know like you don't have to hate your old identity so much sometimes you can you can realize that you've grown out of it tomorrow it's a milestone yeah it's a milestone in giving yourself that next step I feel like it's important yeah instead of staying in it yeah and I feel like that's what gets us better

[01:21:18] Jacob: And everything like in our relationships in our life in our careers and our jobs and our money in our self-worth and our self growth and our everything giving

[01:21:29] Nate: Your stuff a milestone and then stepping on it to go to a next one putting your body and your feet on that stone on that whatever that is and then going to the next one imagine if you're physically building your own staircase to your goals literally can't get to the third step unless you built a second no that's **** crazy I like it how I get yeah I

[01:21:54] Jacob: Really man I just

[01:21:59] Nate: I just want people to really know how important that is like I really do I just won't drive that home drive that

[01:22:07] Jacob: Home to yourself like you can be better than you think you can don't hold yourself back people hold themselves back for everybody has their own personal reasons I really feel like everyone has their own personal reasons my personal reason why I've always held myself back because I didn't believe in myself I really did not believe in myself as much as I put out you know all

[01:22:29] Nate: This stuff on the internet it was more of an affirmation than it was facts it was more of us like I gotta have this I want this I want this I want this I truly do I wake up every single day and I go to bed thinking about this every single day I want this and so that's why I was putting out and putting out and that's what I'm gonna continue to do like if I want something I'm putting it out there like that Van talks thing man that is on my happen Instagram and I'm saying an on camera right now so I can look back on this that I'm going to speak at that event that's happening it's not here not yet but think about it you wouldn't be able to say that sentence if you didn't at least say like

[01:23:12] Nate: I want to believe in myself like even if that's the thing it's like sometimes you don't get this magic switch that turns on like self belief but dude you gotta like fight through the feelings of like I can do this yeah I've like and everybody's different for me I have to convince myself over and over and over again people don't have to do it some people can just wake up and say this is what I'm doing and here we go yeah I'm not I'm not wired like that yet I have to wake up every day and said this is what you're doing this what I'm doing this is what I'm doing I at one point

[01:23:38] Jacob: When I found out that I was live auditioning I was like okay I'm gonna start writing down my thing and you know whip it out and then I was finding that

[01:23:44] Nate: I was making myself be busy on purpose so I can avoid it because I was like well if I didn't prepare obviously I wouldn't get it uh like mmm and I was

[01:23:54] Jacob: Like dude you're not preparing how are

[01:23:57] Nate: You gonna get this if you don't get your hopes up hey **** bro this it's such a

[01:24:04] Jacob: Believing in yourself is like the most

[01:24:06] Nate: Easy and complicated thing at the same exact oh so easy it's so easy do you ever feel like cuz I saw like at the beginning of my like pression getting better after all that I had this like constant for days and days

[01:24:18] Jacob: I just had like this belief at this belief I had to hold on to that like this is gonna get better because everything feels so far since so **** fake I'm like dude realistically what's happening right now is I'm sad as **** but what I got to tell myself is dude you're gonna be fine but like it feels contrived to feel so fake you know like but that's just that first yeah that's dude you got a that's cleanup but you got a we got a **** you got it you got to believe in

[01:24:46] Nate: Yourself and you got to like get through the sometimes gonna be a couple days or sometimes even a couple weeks of like you're bad wolf telling you like now your **** bro you're you like darkness you don't deserve to get better bro you're a you're a bad person like you've done things that can't be can't be taken back man you can't get oh you want to get better that's cute well you're evil yeah that's what your demons say that's what your **** bad wolf says bro but you got it you gotta say that's not true that is not true you gotta be soft with yourself sometimes you can say that's not true and you guys say you know what if I can believe in myself how about that and you do that Monday and then you do it **** Tuesday and then you do a Wednesday and then Thursday might be the hardest of your life but maybe Friday you're like **** man I woke up without have to tell myself that I believe myself I just kind of like you just had a little thing and I think trusting that's there like that getting that 95% of your day the subconscious is running your day getting that 95% trained is 5% this day 5%

[01:25:38] Nate: Tomorrow day consistency is key and everything and as far as like your skill and your talent and whatever you're trying to obtain and in your mind To consistency is key and everything I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it every I wake up every single day and I say what I am I say I'm a motivational speaker you want to look at me and tell me I'm not you're probably right but I have to a half day that's what works for me and it's okay like a

[01:26:08] Nate: Lot of people are scared to associate themselves with something that they are not yet how do you get there then so if I don't say I'm a speaker I'm never gonna speak I'm not gonna do the things that speakers do I'm not gonna research I'm not gonna brainstorm I'm not gonna come up with little nuggets and little ideas I'm not gonna I'm not gonna put myself out there I'm not I'm not gonna get opportunity so how do you become something that you're not already if you don't identify as that or if you don't if you don't you will stop you won't strive to be it oh dude I just saw a **** interrupt you in there ask you decide I was just but I just think I'm like Elon Musk like what if Elon Musk Jobs like now I can't **** get to the moon bro yeah all right well that's that no we're all right cool let's close yeah close the blue that's the job guys

[01:26:58] Jacob: The thing is you know ya hear these dudes talk about you listen to a lot of the motivational stuff and a lot of people think that it's like now that's just not for me like the positivity the motivational thing is not for me it's like no man if you just listen to it and you really like open yourself up to it you realize like oh **** that is kind of how reality works right like if I like if I don't believe in myself it's not happening well why would you want to be miserable is my question cuz we think we deserve it yeah we think that like waste off of like whatever patterns that we've had whatever patterns that we learned whatever things that were told to us when we were younger that we didn't realize we're told to us that we didn't realize affected us so much you know as he did suffer yeah you know it's weird as I was listening to Tony Robbins about

[01:27:40] Nate: His human needs portion and it's

[01:27:44] Jacob: Crazy because he says whatever you are whether you're happier you said all your human needs are met so that's what's scary you know I mean you know how to identify you know I mean you know that you're sad all your you know your needs of having a place or you know are met like and the only thing that's not met when you're unhappy is growth so you're getting your four out of your fiver I kept I think he's five has five human needs that I and I exit from the Maslow's hierarchy of needs I'm just I just started the but it's that book sitting right there yeah and i and i was like oh i dunno wonder like that's why we keep ourselves there for the five of our needs besides growth are being met cut in it's like it like to deal with that even if you notice that to deal with that it's like well this sucks but now I'm gonna have to like move might move the needs that are unmet like it's still gonna hurt like a **** maybe even more but it's like choosing your pain yeah it's like life of how you live if you die at age 60

[01:28:44] Jacob: You're gonna have certain pains like regardless of how life goes you're gonna have certain pains and like if you believe in yourself and you want to pursue your dreams those are the pains that are gonna come with your dreams like if you work at a mill that's cool that's awesome **** yeah like but there's certain pains they're gonna come with working at a mill yeah and like if you can deal with that's awesome that's your life that's so you know like if you just if you enjoy your job in it works out for you and in these things come full circle you're like okay I can handle these pains but I think that a lot of times we only see we see the

[01:29:16] Nate: Pains of our dreams from where we're at right now nope you know and we're like **** of course I couldn't handle those things like bro you ain't the man to handle those things yeah but we don't get yourself your dreams you could you start to have this thing that wakes up that you're like **** Brock I know like maybe I ain't quite there but like I have this faith this hope that like I'm gonna be able to handle those yeah and I'm ready yeah and I feel like a common misconception with that growth and becoming that new thing is that everything is better but with new levels come new devils every single time every time you step into a new level every time you step into a different version of yourself you're gonna face a battle and I think that was what was a surprise to me is I'm like you know I'm but I'm on this path like

[01:30:04] Jacob: I'm doing good why am I still dealing with this stuff like why am I still doing with this why am I still you know having the you know depression athough - I am I still why am i developing because I haven't had it before why am i developing anxiety if I'm progressing you don't ever escape these things you just learn how to deal with them and the reason that when you look at older people and you look at people that are seasoned and people that are that are wise their problems don't go away they learn how to deal with them

[01:30:39] Nate: And they affect their life less every single time they have they let it affect their happiness list they let it affect their day less they let it affect their mindless they let it affect their mood less every single time because the problems never go away it's just how you learn how deal with them right yeah they're passing that's what I always say like with meditation like man whatever you're dealing with it's passing through your brain yeah we take care of your brain like why don't you learn how your brain works meditation and in introspective thinking and like trying to just take a look at not being afraid to take a look at your insides I think just any of that is enough to be like alright well these problems might get worse like the things that come up at me might get worse as I progress I might have bigger problems but it's all gonna pass through you now if you just take care of you the problems are easily more solved like the same exact situation if I drop this

[01:31:31] Nate: Glass cup and it and it goes all over the ground I might be devastated like **** this is the worst day of my life my glass cup just broke yeah exact same cup person right next you they could drop a cup to and be like **** man it's just a cup yeah it's your perception yeah it's your perception

[01:31:46] Outro: Yeah I'm gonna call it yeah hey guys hope you enjoyed the episode just want to quickly touch by and ask of course if you could subscribe and like and share any of those sort of things if you have anybody who may be able to benefit in the current time with any of the episodes that you've listened to maybe send them a link have them read the description check it out I just really appreciate the sharing keeps the momentum alive here so take care of yourselves drink some water focus on your posture and love yourself see you later