083 - a solocast - Making Sense Of My Depression & Anxiety pt. 1

[00:00:06] Jacob: Hmm i tried to record a similar video uh last week I mean i've tried to record this video many times essentially kind of just a general depression what's depression all about what's it like what's it like to experience it i think where i go wrong is trying to um Trying to record this on days that i feel depressed today i feel okay today is not a depression day as i sometimes call him uh it's more difficult to access Fluidity and

[00:00:54] Jacob: Thought without thought without like a meanness to it i guess when you're depressed there's uh me i get like neural inflammation uh which is like you know you kind of get brain fog just kind of it's hard to remember things sometimes you like mispronounce things uh you don't have a lot of energy for conversations or even like bringing any sort of intellect to conversations it's just in a contrast of feeling you know pretty dang good everything's going good everything's clear you don't feel constricted you feel open you feel fluent with the people you're around you're having you know easy verbal fluency you're not thinking about what you're doing you're present that is very different it's very hard to

[00:01:42] Jacob: Grasp that when you are depressed when you have uh you know a depression day or you know especially if you're having brain fog and uh neural inflammation so in my last video i uh i haven't watched it back because i thought it was it was awful and i felt terrible the whole time about it uh but i just wanted to record it right so maybe it's a rough draft at this point um i kept repeating That depression is not sadness Depression is not really even extreme sadness is like a symptom it's like one of the things that comes with depression But i think um oh and you know i am going to talk about anxiety as well that is a part of this but so depression is a

[00:02:32] Jacob: How is it not sadness i think that is a an important part because someone who doesn't experience depression what you know a lot of times you know if you have a loved one who's experiencing depression you're trying to emphasize you're trying to like you're really trying to understand what they're going through but the worst you've ever felt is the worst you've ever felt i mean you can only think of the worst you have Have ever felt i mean immediately this is like So overly complicated so Depression is not sadness not just sadness uh because it's kind of an inability to plan your way out of how you're feeling sadness is it you know a lot of times when someone's depressed someone will say well what's wrong why are you depressed what's like what's going on it's not often just a situation it's not often just like at one thing in your life that you're ruminating about that's uh that's eaten you and it's like i can't cope with this specific situation Um depression has kind of this like

[00:03:41] Jacob: It has flavors to it's like a nihilism meaning uh you're kind of just negative about all your future plans you're negative about what's going on the things that you typically like you're not going to like on these days When i say these days i'm just coming back to like depression days you know like i think it's helpful uh maybe it'll be confusing at first but i think it will be helpful to uh come back to comparing like a good day for me versus a depression day because it's just two very different beings you know it's two very different um very different ways of how i show up to myself and in social and in friend family interactions so it has this nihilism it has this uh kind Of negative attitude towards things so it's like yes you're sad maybe you can start to pinpoint okay

[00:04:44] Jacob: There's this thing that triggered me this one thing got me going uh you know you i think your brain will always find hey why is it that i'm sad okay what the **** is going on like why am i why am i a depressed sad boy today and i Think it is easy to pick something or find ways in which you are inadequate especially of late um you know i think we have that internal uh You know moderator our internal narrator uh is kind of

[00:05:19] Jacob: Kind of like hard on us sometimes like sometimes we're hard on ourselves sometimes we um we're over the analytic i mean because look we're you know we're all human we're all made of mistakes we're all trying to figure this thing out like none of us you know remember asking to be here we just kind of like you grow up and then you start to become a teenager and you're like well **** i gotta okay like i gotta take life by the horns like i didn't ask to be alive but here i am you know we're all kind of like learning what it means to be human uh Ram Dass says we're all just walking one another home we're all just walking each other home you know uh life is kind of this uh It's kind of uh this sounds more but it's not supposed to be uh it's kind of a the path to death you know it's this is such a immense Wild thing here you know uh that

[00:06:13] Jacob: It's hard to i guess i guess i'm trying to say it's like we shouldn't we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves and you know there's this hard voice that's like hey you didn't know exactly how this was going to turn out uh you didn't predict the future you didn't do exactly what you wanted i mean because wouldn't you who would choose to feel depression who would choose to feel anxiety he would choose to feel pain you know their um their feelings that their things that our body uh kind of generate you know this physical meat pod here generates um certain ways of clenching up certain chemicals are released when specific things happened you know there's a reason to you know they say anxiety is uh You know fear for the future you're thinking about what might happen in the future and depression is uh you know can

[00:07:07] Jacob: Can be considered you are upset about what happened in the past um a lot of depression seems kind of like uh the shame to it you know there's guilt to it there's i wish i knew better and i wish i did this thing differently and sometimes you can even bring it to the present like look all these things around me like oh i you know this is where i've gotten myself you know all this all this **** in the past that i did got me to exactly where i'm at here you know that could be very uh you know uh to notice such thing to notice

[00:07:48] Jacob: That you know we have so much momentum where we're going this is how life works we're you know we were young kids we were in school and they say hey you know get through sixth grade and then you go to middle school cool and then after middle school you're gonna go to high school and after high school you're gonna go to college and after that you're gonna go to you know after graduate or what they call some stupid uh postgraduate degrees or whatever uh that you could go get a job and there's always this there is this sense in the western world the way we were all kind of raised there's this sense of um Of like going like we're gonna reach this place like we're going to arrive there is a sense in our way of being As humans that we're going to get to this spot we're going to get to this place where we don't feel you know fear shame guilt uh sadness uh

[00:08:51] Jacob: Like we're just gonna get to uh you know we don't have to go to work we don't have any obligations we don't we don't have to repaint the spare bedroom you know we don't have to wash the dishes uh there is kind of this thing in the back of a lot of our heads that we're going to arrive in life you know Alan Watts you know very elegantly speaks of life being kind of a dance life is not uh getting from this part of the room to the other side of the room at a certain speed and with a certain uh punctuation we don't arrive at the other side of the room life is the dance in between life is the is the breezy uh movement with the music And the environment and the uh You know the eye contact in the in the present moment the non-thinking the joy that is experienced when dancing in a room you know when there's other people around it's not uh Alan Watts also speaks of You know the greatest conductors are not those who play the fastest or those who have the loudest ending you know

[00:10:07] Jacob: There's something in our heads in the western world that has kind of trained us to think i'm going to get somewhere i'm going to arrive at this place and this is where anxiety and depression come in because you are anxious about what may happen and what may not happen you're anxious about living incorrectly um you have fear that this thing might happen like right now in the present moment here and now the thing you have you know visual pictures and uh words however the way in which You think you have this Projection of based off of the information you have now you're trying to put together these patterns into okay well this thing is clearly going to happen i don't want it to happen i'm incapable of handling it when it does happen so we could be ruminating we could be uh really kind of caught in our heads uh and uh there is levels of anxiety even reaching back i speak about you know uh the past the shame the guilt aspects of depression looking back into the past um uh wishing

[00:11:18] Jacob: Wishing you had just done things differently wishing you had wishing trying to make your body right now feel sad like these chemicals are being released when you're sitting here if you're just sitting there staring at the wall like thinking about uh you know when you got a **** dui five years ago and you had to pay all this money and your baby mama left you and you know these things life happens you know we're all we all have our **** right there is you're sitting in the present moment you're right here thinking of something that has already happened you're kind of recalling and repeating and reliving this situation that uh you know there is a part of you that wants to learn from it you're thinking to yourself why did i do that like why like why would i choose to what the hell um there it's human it is human it's not that abnormal a lot of people are doing this i mean we're all kind of a basket case in our head really if you stop and just observe your thoughts as they're passing by you're a damn mad person you know we're all we're all pretty nutty as it turns out we just have this external facade that we all have to play along with we have this cultural zeitgeist that we have to

[00:12:42] Jacob: Um you know keep faced with we have our customer service mask our coffee shop face uh and it's part of being a human it's part of having an ego it's part of uh you know experiencing life and having um you know we have to have a Societal avatar to exist it will like there would be no personality to you if you didn't have um an ego or a uh a projection of Your interactions with others how it makes you feel and you know kind of a what you believe others think of you Kind of creates a lot of what our ego is and a lot of what our internal dialogue is with ourselves

[00:13:33] Jacob: So we could be depressed thinking about something that's not here you know but so what we have to do for me i started noticing these things that's a huge part is being aware not being caught in the thought right so when you're when you're having an anxiety attack when you're having um let's back up let's not talk anxiety attacks yet i will get to those but let's say we're just having an anxious feeling you're having that you know maybe um what is a what does a relaxed person look like you know maybe you know their face isn't all tensed up their shoulders are down your shoulders are back they're comfortable imagine how you may feel uh you know when you're at a family event you know you have no reason to be anyone other than yourself you can laugh you know you're very comfortable with what's going on you don't feel threatened in any way you're relaxed your body language um you're kind of unconsciously doing certain things you know your feet are even uh facing your loved ones um if

[00:14:36] Jacob: You know there's there is this general openness um there's a lot of great research on lobsters actually when it comes to serotonin there is a higher levels of serotonin when we are kind of relaxed and opened in our shoulders our back uh lobsters actually when you take away their serotonin if they are the alpha lobster at the top of the tank you take away their serotonin they actually kind of close back in and they sink to the bottom of the tank so there's a hierarchy with lobsters that we've tested kind of how serotonin works i think it's serotonin that it is um it's good stuff though i'm sure you can find that if that interests you lobsters serotonin depression hierarchy something you'll find it um so there's also

[00:15:27] Jacob: So oh the opposite so yeah we're open up um this is how we feel when we're open we're ready you know you're comfortable with where you at you're comfortable with yourself and what you're there to do versus think of someone who is depressed you know what do they look like maybe they've you know i mean maybe you think of someone with their hood up maybe you think of a kind of kind of a more of a closed off physical stature posture uh maybe your

[00:15:56] Jacob: Shoulders kind of humped up humped over you know maybe their feet are kind of facing in maybe they're trying to appear small this is kind of an unconscious thing that a lot of us that's going to happen this is this is how you get when you're depressed you know you're kind of closed off uh when you think about when you're anxious you know there is an aspect of kind of like wanting to appear small you know but even sometimes anxiousness is busy anxious you know it is you are open um but think about your shoulders is a great one you know your jaw your um all this muscle tension your eyes you know if you're anxious you might be like okay let's go we gotta do this thing and maybe you're kind of moving fast maybe you're breathing if you notice you're breathing maybe your breathing is up here in your chest when you're anxious um or when you're overly ruminating about the past or the or the future so what one thing you want to try to do

[00:16:52] Jacob: One thing you want to remember is when we can become aware of these things what is my body doing okay i'm thinking about this thing oh the mind is Ruminating over the past again there i go again there the mind goes oh how human i am Okay forgive yourself you know because we'll judge ourselves a lot for even having these thoughts for even having if you have intrusive thoughts i've had i've dealt with a ton of intrusive thoughts and i thought i was the worst person ever and it got i would there was this reaction that i would have to intrusive thoughts uh that would be kind of um like a like a tick in response to the intrusive thought and this is something that i've that i've cleared up with um i think a lot of this work around mindfulness and meditation and uh yoga breath work a lot

[00:17:45] Jacob: Of the stuff that i'm kind of trying to bring into the conversation here um is i think it's kind of eliminated a lot of these kind of tics that i had you know a lot of these uh things that i would do physically kind of unconsciously they would just happen when i was not getting my preference when i um it's kind of like you know you might hear of OCD these sorts of things i think a lot of us overly diagnose ourselves with OCD it's kind of this casual buzzfeed word in a lot of ways But it's actually not i don't think that it's helpful to attach these things to our identity all the time maybe to open up conversations and understand ourselves but i think that you know as we discovered these you know our own neurosurg neuroses which we all have i think there's so much information out here and there's so many ways to learn about what's happening rather than just sitting and suffering with what we're experiencing that we can kind of over time with patients with you know perseverance with work with actual doing

[00:18:53] Jacob: Things work i think we can kind of unwind these things i used to be someone who would consider himself someone who i would tell people i have OCD um there's certain things that people my loved ones would know about me like you know the simple there's a great example that i'm sure a lot of people you stress about being an even number when you're turning up the volume or whatever you know these sorts of little like quirky things we all have and um

[00:19:25] Jacob: Uh oh i'm so yeah it's just this thing about me you know when it generally gives you anxiety and you allow it to really become part of your identity and you allow it to genuinely affect you and it's now negatively affecting your relationships and um i mean there's nothing wrong with having a personality but uh when you start to notice these things are unhelpful you know what we start to notice that you maybe you don't want to identify with someone with depression maybe you haven't been to a doctor and he's told you i have or you have depression you're that you have such and such you have such and such here's you know that's we think that's the only way that we confirm we have something we have this uh this disease or this sickness you know man i mean i don't think you should go around self-diagnosing yourself after uh you know a couple reddit threads but uh there is listen man we're all human this is part of being a human this these are parts of The experiences that i have

[00:20:32] Jacob: In you know within my consciousness in my in my head you know Where is it is it floating around here the experiences that we have are a byproduct of our modern culture Our byproduct of how and what a human is like what you know even specifically like how are americans in such way how uh the series of Events and teachings and experiences that i had as i was growing up in certain years certain detrimental years shape who i am shape what i experience shape how i solve problems they shape how i uh contemplate my own existence they shape how i show up in the world they shape my reactions we kind of have this weird feeling in the western world and it's no fault of our own um but we kind of have this weird feeling that we like arrived on planet earth uh like in a spaceship and

[00:21:42] Jacob: We're being taken care of by like a government or you know the there are powers who know everything and they are planning out our life but we were born with absolute complete free will as completed individuals and regardless of what happens to us whenever when we're adolescents or teen or even you know in your 20s or 30s it doesn't affect who we are and how we show up because we just are this person and we just deal with what happens to life you know but we really are you know if you really think deeply on evolution um which i think is a healthy exercise you know you really think about how our lungs don't work if we don't have trees right like what are we breathing in where do we get oxygen so why are we considering ourselves separate than a piece of us that must exist Trees in oxygen did not exist we would not exist right so we kind of separate ourselves we kind of compartmentalize ourselves into these little Little separate you know we act like we are on earth not of earth um and

[00:23:03] Jacob: We kind of you know when we grow up reading all these books all these uh um

[00:23:10] Jacob: You know in class you're reading textbooks in your and your teachers are the authority so they're teaching you um and you assume you know when you're young especially you see like dude this person literally knows like they're a teacher and then you know you kind of get older and you're like oh wait i never really thought about like okay of course they don't sleep here huh right you know remember having those like goofy thoughts when you start to think about what is a teacher and then you get older um and you start you know when i started getting like a few years into my 20s i remember i started having people around me and people that i've been friends with since i was a kid they'd become teachers and i'm like oh like so you're like you're a teacher now and at first you're like well you're a teacher and you start thinking oh yeah okay actually i'd probably do it you do a pretty good job and then you kind of remember yeah now they're human okay so my teachers were probably pretty human too and you start to really think about you know your teachers were actually your age you know i remember i had teachers who were like 25 years old and when i was 23 i'm like huh i had teacher i think you'd think they're so on this pedestal well we also kind of think about that when it comes to like anybody in control of

[00:24:20] Jacob: Money or anybody with power or i know even saying the word government has a lot of uh annotation on it that kind of like puts our mind into somewhere um what i'm not really trying to bring up uh the structure of what it means to like exist and grow up and be a human and come out of this giant rock hurling through space you know this thing that is called evolution that we our understanding you know we do understand a lot of this very deeply but You know this might be news to you but we don't know everything like there is i mean there's literally a thing called a theory of everything and it is a consistently evolving no-answer that like all these You know very intelligent people and physicists and philosophers are trying to understand like we're trying to understand what is consciousness what is it like to be something

[00:25:21] Jacob: It's like a you know kind of a brushstroke of what consciousness means to have an experience we don't know there's not some dude this may i promise this is important uh this i know this seems like too far-fetched or too left-field to have anything to do with depression and anxiety but truly understanding what you are and not how you got here but how How your experience of yourself is

[00:26:04] Jacob: Man how do i word it because learning about yourself learning the history what we know so far and i'm not even saying like what i've learned and what i've studied and what i've um read about is like the capital t truth like this is the only one way i'm telling you when you start to explore any of these kind of forks when it comes to philosophy and evolution in biology and what are you and what is you know you never would get into this kind of god side of things but i'm not talking about god religion god i'm talking about uh the god that pops in your head i'm talking about the man with the beard in the clouds that a lot of us unconsciously think about when we hear the words like god i'm talking about I'm talking about the core of ultimate love Imagine love continually going like uh infinite Infinite love i mean i think even the word love has so much annotation on it let me back up Let's back up i apologize i'm trying to My notes are just my intention I didn't want to overthink this

[00:27:40] Jacob: And so my intentions are really to just explain anxiety and depression in a way that helps people those who have it and those who do not you know i uh i kind of started i was talking about how what depression isn't you know it's not just extreme sadness It is this something is wrong something feels wrong you know it's a we're kind of this chemical factory where this where this uh there's all these different things you know if you take a say a vitamin d pill think of it okay well vitamin d is a supplement that you buy well no vitamin d is a vitamin Is vitamin d is a process in which The sun affects an organism and it's a vital part of our structure so if you take out vitamin d things start to go wrong in the human factory so we misunderstand Droughts

[00:29:01] Jacob: It's a you know if we think of ourselves like a chemical factor if we think of ourselves it's a something is wrong i am missing something you know right now for me to speak to you there's all sorts of there's you know millions and billions of cells and all these things happening and all these things firing and all these things uh you know combusting and combining and duplicating and depleting and releasing You know we can't see it but our you know our pores are releasing certain things uh there's these synapses firing it's all going on that's all happening um when you're depressed it feels like something in that process is like **** up it feels like something in that process is uh

[00:29:49] Jacob: Like just not working just busted and the problem is a lot of the problem that adds to it is we identify with that and we feel like an idiot because of that we feel like that's something like that's our fault you know we right now you're sitting there you know breathing and your heart is pumping and your blood is moving on there's all these you know billions of things that are happening within you uh and you don't take credit for them you don't say oh that's me pumping my heart like i'm consciously pumping my heart i'm conscious consciously remembering to breathe you know So but there's this thing with depression and anxiety and a lot of illnesses and a lot of mental health stuff that when it starts to happen we take credit for it we Make ourselves feel bad for having these bad thoughts we make ourselves feel bad for experiencing Inadequacy for not being able to handle whatever is going on for being anxious you know it's this it's this big cycle uh

[00:30:57] Jacob: Depression is kind of and then the situation is like yeah of course this is happening and anxiety is uh i can't handle this happening so there's this there's this problem with the eye with the constant um This constant attachment to

[00:31:23] Jacob: The it's this reacting it's how he's saying you know i have if you have an intrusive thought you might have a little tick afterwards like you think of uh as you're driving down the freeway or you're in the pasture seat of a car like uh imagine if i lean my head out the side of this car and just put my eyeball on the grate as we're going 75 miles an hour that would **** hurt and then you go i don't think that's what a crazy person would think about right now you're literally in a car with someone that you enjoy you're in the car with your family like let's not think about putting our eyeball against the side of that barricade um if you've never had an intrusive thought that probably sounds like a crazy thing to uh experience but that's what intrusive thoughts are uh or like hey can i hold your baby and you're just thinking like i could chuck this baby and not in a jokingly way you're like almost afraid that your body may react and just chuck that baby or something

[00:32:16] Jacob: You become fearful you have a response to a thought the response to the thought is what gets you sticky the response to the thought is what you have to start saying nah i don't want to think that i'm not going to think that anymore what's something that you that i could put in its place or what's a response to that you know even backing up even identifying saying i don't want to think that i don't think that's even helpful i think even just saying uh oh there my mind goes again

[00:32:50] Jacob: You know there i am i had a counselor one time um she told me to think of this was actually helpful **** she told me to think of think of yourself like when you're throwing a pity party when you're being depressed when you're like being obtuse and you notice it and you have this awareness and then you're like well dude i suck i am an idiot and whatever um start to start to treat yourself like your depressed self your bummer mood self you know that dude who doesn't show up as um you know the perfect partner for your fam for your wife or the perfect father for your for your son and daughter or the perfect uncle or the perfect friend or whatever you know the this um this

[00:33:40] Jacob: You know when you're when you're showing up and you're noticing i'm being my depressed self you have this awareness like okay i'm doing the sad thing again talk to yourself like that's what the counselor said talk to yourself like you're a drunk friend imagine you're out with your homie and you two are having some drinks and your homie has more than you and they get a little slosh and they kind of had a rough week and they're you know they lose it they start crying you know we know how it gets with the booze sometimes it'll poke you it's easy it gets it's an antidepressant or it's a depressant rather uh you know and say your friends started crying and they're like i don't know man i've just really been going through a lot lately and um you know so and so is it left me and you know whatever maybe they're sad they're getting down on their self what do you say to them you're gonna be like are you gonna say you **** **** man up you need to shape Up like bro get over it or

[00:34:37] Jacob: You're a depressed idiot or why are you thinking or you're incapable or you know what does our mind tell us what does your mind tell you maybe it's different than the **** that mind tells me you know mine happens to be brutal and specific and very mean sometimes you know maybe yours is similar would you talk to your friend your drunk friend calling him an idiot judging him having a reaction to what he's experiencing he's experiencing sadness would you label him in a certain way or would you say i hear you bro that's all right buddy let's get you home let's get you some water let's get you a **** delicious grilled cheese that's what you get your crying drunk friend it's a grilled cheese sandwich by the way um you know and it sounds so overly obvious right like of course you wouldn't talk to your friend like that but we'd speak to ourselves in that way the response to the thought in the first place

[00:35:33] Jacob: Becomes like where our ego where our personality where identity like really digs in where it really makes us feel bad about having those thoughts about experiencing what we're currently experiencing we put a label on it we try to we bring out our report card and we put f minus you suck Boom like bro you don't have to do that You could you know oh i'm noticing okay instead of like you're a dumb **** you talk to yourself your internal dialogue is a bit more um sweet friendly supportive you know you got to start treating yourself like you would a

[00:36:15] Jacob: Friend who needs help you know this is part of the human experience you know and this might feel stupid this might feel silly that's part of what comes with depression a lot of what comes with depression is it feeling fake yeah it feels so fake it feels contrived it feels like you're a **** boy it feels like you uh are incapable of experiencing bad emotions uh it feels like everyone else has their **** in luck and like your life is way harder and you're just really confused at how everyone is not completely suffering at all times because that's how it feels like it is in your head

[00:37:00] Jacob: It feels fake when you get to coming around to admitting you have depression and making you have suicidal ideation admitting that you have um intrusive thoughts admitting that you have negativity extreme crippling anxiety you know a lot of this i think especially when it comes for a man i mean for me it's uh it feels very like it's such a it's beyond vulnerable but you are um it feels weak it feels definitely weak but it's not it's actually is a form of it's actually a psychological form of bravery um to kind of stand up to your depressed anxious mind and go dude it's all right like okay something's going on here like we're gonna have to change paths whatever i'm thinking about whatever i'm doing yeah i listen i'm hearing that lesson loud and clear i'm gonna take it i'm gonna grab by the horns let's go i'll handle it you know but Uh it's You know I should i should probably do this in another video actually no going to keep going i think this is part of it so Depression so i was diagnosed with

[00:38:28] Jacob: Was first diagnosed with major depressive disorder when i had first gone in i mean it really you fill out you fill out a questionnaire you check some boxes uh you kind of a lot of it is kind of like figuring out or coming to terms with or looking at like did you have some childhood trauma you know they have you they do a um CBT is it the cognitive behavioral therapy Obviously have you fill out this thing and it's like my parents were divorced when i was younger um i was raped i was Uh poor i couldn't afford whatever we

[00:39:01] Jacob: Were evicted like you kind of have like these i don't know exactly but i don't remember exactly but you check off these things and you have like a score at the bottom of that you know it's kind of experience going to the doctor and when you have depression and then you have a conversation that you know for me it was certainly less than ten eight seven minutes uh and before you know it you know you prescribe this antidepressant you're kind of trying to explain to this doctor like i don't know what it is i just like feel really sad and my body hurts and i hate everything and i want to die a lot uh and you're like looking at him really funny please solve my problems and he says yes sir i know the answer for that uh there's this uh pharmaceutical company who uh gives me a bonus each year if i prescribe enough of the you know the way that we diagnose depression is super dumb and shitty and i don't think

[00:39:58] Jacob: That we understand it or even try to understand it but what we have is this medical you know establishment that is what you do it's this place that you go to when your arm is hanging there and you need surgery but we also are Bringing people with mental health problems to these places and it's just completely a **** show and it sucks um that's certainly my opinion and we can fistfight about it if you agree or disagree so i'll have a debate uh um so i got diagnosed with so through this questionnaire through this short conversation i was diagnosed at first with major depressive disorder he prescribed me some ssris Which are um you know like a serotonin uh reuptake inhibitor

[00:40:56] Jacob: They just basically start to mess with your brain chemicals and so i tried a few different ones uh they kept upping my dose i felt completely **** out of my mind um listen these do help a lot of people there's low doses of certain things that like don't have such uh obstructive effects on the brain but we you know the research around this is really the long-term research around this and what it really does to our brain and what it does to like our psychological experience of ourselves and the world it's not heavily it's not as heavily researched as you think it should be it's not as full proof is it's just not great um so i was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder tried a few was at a really high dose um i was the point where i'm just feeling zombied out i was uh i was pushed over into My suicidal ideation i was no longer i didn't have like the fear around it i had this like a blah numbness of course

[00:41:54] Jacob: So like putting a physically putting a loaded gun to my head was like it didn't freak me out i felt nothing it was like in noticing that i couldn't have a reaction or like an emotion to that and it just oh my god it was just this terrible feeling um it was like a feeling of nothingness you almost like wish you were sad it was super strange um and then i had a bunch of side effects uh and i had a bunch of you know i was going through a lot of psychological crazy **** anyway like uh i'm already a pretty weird dude and this was definitely like a few i'm actually like just coming out of this last couple years of my life of kind of insanity i think last few years and still a bit in it for sure i'm just as i gain more distance i start to kind of understand and i kind of start to like recoup some of the information that i learned from myself and through reading and listening to stuff so um Uh

[00:43:01] Jacob: So major depressive disorder Lexapro so i was also diagnosed with bipolar depression which i mean we hear the word this is another one we hear the word bipolar and we're immediately like people are like okay so you're going to freak out and stab people suddenly or you're very uh unstable you know there's this the psychiatric conditions the way they're painted in our head schizophrenia any of this stuff multiple personality disorder multiplicity all this stuff this is another thing that you have to notice in your head it's painted as this like weird like hollywood videos or Hollywood video hollywood movies and uh kind of like

[00:43:50] Jacob: What we were taught we were growing up what our parents were taught what they passed down to us you know they only have the information they were given we're kind of we misunderstand a lot of this stuff you know we think of this condition is the crazy person screaming at the bus stop you know it's this is way different you know back in the day something like schizophrenia for example um if you showed signs of being schizophrenic when you were younger you would actually be sent to the like village shaman to go live and learn how to be a shaman it is the way that your brain works or the way that whatever you've got going on internally psychologically doesn't fit with the way that culture society um our capitalistic marketplace of being it

[00:44:40] Jacob: Doesn't fit with that it's a weird it's too fringy it's uh it doesn't make sense it makes people uncomfortable it's a you know it's this crazy if you call someone crazy if you can disregard them you can you can instantly other them and it makes you feel safe about how you are saying um but uh yeah you know it really is this kind of like learned madness that we have um Uh i'm terribly going off path and in a bit all over the place but i do think that it helps i'm sure it will spark conversations at the very least um i think that the way in which i have Experienced conversation in long lectures myself these sorts of like rambling to no ends were some of the most profound sentences that i would end up hearing so i guess i will try to Oh my god Antidepressants

[00:45:57] Jacob: So when i what is it about antidepressant okay so i was diagnosed and what's important here the things that are important out of what i'm trying to say here being diagnosed with these things um is kind of like you have to take you have to dig things into your own hands you have to do your own research you have to learn about how your own mind works because the people if you go to the doctors if you go to you know even some counselors and therapists you know bless them each and every one of them for sure but they are also kind of like your teachers you know remember um they're just kind of people who you know they certainly have their own experience and there is you know people who are uh you know far left feel different and i will say better at this at truly understanding and through not checking the boxes not learning everything they learned from studies in books and um From data from uh non-fiction ways of understanding um

[00:47:06] Jacob: The human experience and sadness and depression and anxiety you know they only know what the what they were taught in what they've experienced you know maybe their personal experience has brought them um full circle but a lot of this a lot of this A lot of our Damn You're going to have to help yourself i mean that's like that's what i'm getting at is you have to understand what's going i mean it's kind of like the same thing when it comes to fitness is we have all these diets and we this is another arrival thing that we're kind of trained to is

[00:47:57] Jacob: Diets and fitness we're like okay i need to lose 20 pounds once i lose 20 pounds then i never have to like then i'm good i don't even like what i don't have to think about what i eat or what i do or how i physically move my body and whatnot we just get to the next goal post you know it's kind of the way that we're taught to think remember you know follow this carrot on a stick get from get from elementary school to middle school and then up to high school and college and then you'll you know do this it's really just this incorrect um uh perception of kind of

[00:48:34] Jacob: It has to be a sustainability has to be like a lifestyle it has to be like you don't have to become obsessed with depression and anxiety and talking about it and like that's all you do and that's all you consume and you just like read millions of books about it and whatever like this is i mean i love doing all this stuff because this one i needed at the beginning i had to get into this i had to uh like dive head first into what's going on because it was it was that or pulled the trigger you know it was it was i'm going to die if i don't do something like i am practically dead with my inability and my like not doing anything like these doctors are not helping me i end up like cold turkey quitting my antidepressants this is years and years ago

[00:49:19] Jacob: And oh my god i was just a total mess and i think that there was psychological effects like the way that i um i had a lot of like depersonalization derealization i had a lot of cognitive dissonance i had a lot of disassociative attacks um uh maybe taxes yeah sure an attack Like um my brain would just happen bro i mean this was this was for a while after i got off the antidepressant split or literal years after um and i still I mean i think that i had permanent effects i think i had permanent things happen to me by just throwing random you know you know antidepressants and **** at my brain I mean not that not that i'm a perfect uh body is my temple you know i put it i put worse things in my in my nasal cavity that's for sure um so you know it really it really does take

[00:50:23] Jacob: This is not something that other people can solve for you this is not your fault but it is your responsibility if you're experiencing anxiety and depression it's on you baby it's you and only you have to take care of it i mean if you got a loved one if you got a family if you got friends if you got people who could support you know even your boss at work if they're like yo i get it i understand you um you know head home today yeah i don't know whatever if you got people who understand you that's a blessing but really if you have depression and anxiety it's uh it's on you and i know that's something that people are almost like no don't say that like well you know there's this weird we can't talk about certain things you got to say the correct things when you're dealing with someone um with depression and anxiety and i feel like we need to open up the conversation we need to not have fear we need to not filter ourselves about this **** we need to have we need to personally share our experience we need to not justify our **** we need to not stay small in our ego we need to not find things that we can identify with and we latch on and then protect anybody who comes for that part of our identity these are things that can be in some way in some form understood and you know i don't like to use the word solved here but there is a um there's an understanding of a lot of this depression and anxiety stuff that you can get to through knowledge through learning through philosophy through learn listening to other people speak about it through um having actual open conversations without the fear without the armor you know with you know our **** so bite size is so quick but i mean if you really had um you know maybe or you're a teenager and you're really close to your mom but like she doesn't understand she doesn't know that you're depressed like if you just sat down and uh you know just had hours worth of conversation or an hour worth of conversation you know no phones nobody else no fronts no **** you know no

[00:52:28] Jacob: Obligations nowhere to be like really just a hey you know i love you like the person across the cross in the room like i love you we got to talk about this i'm having like i can't handle this on my own i can't navigate this on my own because when it's in our head cavity when it's just bouncing around in our dang head we don't really get we don't really get like the different perspectives you know we keep justifying our **** our **** our depression starts to um you know we identify with our depression we start listening to that um mean voice and we start thinking that's truth and you know we start we start uh believing the whisperings of the devil you know we you know instead of experiencing um experiencing that feeling of being the homie to yourself to your drunk friend you know to be like it's okay bro

[00:53:23] Jacob: You know it's having that little flicker of god that's within each of us that little flicker of love that's what within each of us that little that little you know like **** you nihilism you ain't taking me down you know like wherever that comes from wherever we can like get up out of the dust like any time we've ever done it we forget about the millions of times we've done it and we've like gotten ourselves out of bed and we didn't want to and we like pulled ourselves we did one more rep and we uh we challenge ourselves to go talk to that girl like that desire to be more to experience love to be present

[00:54:04] Jacob: To say yes to step into that light you know that's such a natural thing it's such a natural way of being supposed to be our natural way of being you know listening to that giving power to that it starts to have a domino effect starts to have a snowball effect where you start what you do is what you always do you know in this world we're all we're evolution is moving some way this way that we are Existing the way that it is to be is Going a direction you know it's moving at some momentum atrophy is a real thing if you sit there's a guy who's he's has his arm up like this and he's devoted to never put it down he's got a pinky up or something like that and his arm has become this like tiny little frail stuck little like

[00:54:54] Jacob: Stale breadstick looking thing you know and it's just like that's what happens if you know if you go to the gym and you boom look at time is moving we're projecting we're going through space everything is fluid life is momentum it is moving if you do some bicep curls you start to build muscle you know you have to fuel and listen to the correct person in Here you know you have to listen to the good wolf you have to believe the good wolf you have to say uh no to the devil You know it's uh don't let my don't let my wording of devil and god uh sway you wrong the There is something that happens in your brain in a lot of our understandings of these words that is an incorrect lie of what these things really are like it doesn't have to have anything to do with religion here this is just a part of what it means to be a human you know there is a spiritual aspect of every single human this is just language but it's there's a piece within you that is life and love that says yes that

[00:56:01] Jacob: Pushes forward that chooses to go that chooses to be something rather than a nothing that finds delight in the uh single light in the middle of a chaotic infinity you know um Uh there is there's you fuel that side of you gass up that good wolf you gass Up that superhero side of yourself that like i can handle this i'm not perfect i'm human um but you know it takes that

[00:56:42] Jacob: Nihilistic view of your future that like i'm never gonna amount to anything **** and it says you know what maybe i will maybe i'm gonna die maybe i'm gonna die trying you know maybe i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna i believe that i could be those things like why not try you know you start listening to that superhero that you know you got to give yourself a cape you got to notice you got to bring awareness is the huge thing right you got to notice that this is happening because you'll be identifying with your thoughts you'll be synced up thinking that everything that is being thought all these thoughts that are happening you're thinking that they all are you and i'm such an idiot i'm such a **** and i suck and my Kids are better off without me and i'm terrible in my job you know whatever it is this extreme this heaviness that comes with you know being depressed and being anxious uh it

[00:57:38] Jacob: Is it is given fuel you know you fuel this thing up you fire this thing up you uh by listening to it by not saying i see you fool i see you devil i see you uh i see you depressed jake you know you know what i mean you got to um you got to you got to You got to feed the good wolf i mean that really is okay and listen like this isn't some **** that i read right feeding the good wolf um even like this is something that i had to really discover i think i think uh the part i mentioned about depression feeling fake feeling contrived uh the believing in yourself thing the like self-love thing the listening to the dude with the superhero cape not the nihilistic you know sad guy

[00:58:34] Jacob: Being there for the sad guy okay uh yeah but what we're actually gonna do is we're gonna be positive because uh i know that if i feed this wolf it's gonna blah you know that is something i discovered like it was it took me a while because you have to keep laying this brick by brick this every you know every time you have a thought every day that this comes up some days are worse than others but you just got to keep bricking by bricking and it starts to it really does have momentum you kind of build yourself into The non-depressed person the non-anxious person the person who has a situation happen and has like a little bit of a wedge of um you know gentle thought before reactivity

[00:59:22] Jacob: Uh you know there's a there is a happening and your response to it and your response to it gets trained by being and not just overly positive not putting blinders on to the world like you know if you're stressed about your bills the bills are still coming baby but like you know you kind of get this but i can handle it i'm gonna trust that like i've taken care of everything before in the past i'm 30 years old i've handled it before i'm gonna damn well handle it again let's go what do i need to do you know let's act or um you know there is even a side of that isn't letting go like i trust um i trust that this will work out you know i have done everything i can i Have prepared myself in every which way there's no sense in being anxious about this thing that is inevitably going to uh not maybe not inevitably going to happen in such a way but there is this event that is coming and happening and i am uh dealing with this thing i see that it is not helpful for me

[01:00:34] Jacob: And my life to listen to the worst case scenario view of what may happen in the future i see that is unhelpful So i choose to recognize allow but shelf not listen to allow to float away let it be as the beatles would say you know the uh let it let it pass by you know in the meditation we talk about a lot of we talk a lot about um observing and noting okay that's a thought that's a feeling yeah you know you're sitting on the bench watching the freeway you're sitting on the bench watching the cars you're not on the freeway hustling and just experiencing all the emotion of the cars and i am this and i am that you watch what the mind does you watch the brains uh madness that we all have of being a human it's just like a sense you've probably heard um the third eye the mind's eye it's the sixth sense um uh i do want to do a video on the

[01:01:36] Jacob: Third eye because when i when i first had heard about it i thought it was like the coolest creepiest like illuminati what's that like it's just really it is a really cool concept but it's very confusing to understand at the beginning uh but our sixth sense you know right now as you when you if you think about a meditative state you're just sitting here observing what is happening like you are not you aren't your eyesight you aren't your experience of smell You can observe the body having this experience and it's not a you it's not a like i'm not saying jake is observing it is As a conscious experience as consciousness itself i watch the let's say five six senses let's say five senses so as i'm sitting here i feel i have the feeling of touch of my lips touching one another i have the feeling of my shirt on my skin of my bottom on my on my cushion of my feet on the floor um that i'm feeling i can hear

[01:02:49] Jacob: What's something that i hear far away what's something that i hear close what have i gotten used to what have i completely blocked out and forgotten that was there can i hear a freeway in the distance can i hear an airplane can i hear my neighbor's gonna hear music can i hear my air conditioner you know there's all these layers of sound you got touch you have sound you have your eyesight i can see there is a designated uh Uh oh i'm blinking on a lot of the concepts for visual acuity but there's a Like a focal point you're focusing on one thing right now i'm focusing on this camera but there's also this peripheral out here right like i can see i'm not watching it but i can see out of the corner of my eye i can see my hands and i'm aware that i'm doing this you can see up above all these things that you kind of ignore because you have a conscious experience that points at what in physical reality is important to what

[01:03:46] Jacob: You need to meet your you know hierarchy of needs whatever it is that you're searching to have whatever need you are certainly have met at this moment so you have your vision you can see far you can see close you have smell you could smell deeply you can you can even kind of back to touch and feeling you can feel what your body does when you smell and you can even kind of just without breathing in just if you subtly just notice the smell that's already in your nose you know just by breathing through your nose you kind of notice Um taste you can what do we know what do you taste if you had a cup of coffee uh if you had you know food recently do you taste the remnants of the food have you brushed your teeth you know you don't have to do that but there is taste happening and what

[01:04:40] Jacob: You're doing is you're bringing your awareness to these things these five senses in the sixth sense that i was mentioning is thought this is something that is kind of complicated it's kind of hard for us to understand it's kind of the root of meditation a lot of ways is the observation of thought not becoming identified with it again the way we grew up the way the western world is the way the western world has made us into who we are the teachings of Uh this current moment of the zeitgeist has made us um kind of We just have so much momentum we don't we don't stop and notice all of these things uh we don't stop and notice that the same way sound is happening i'm not saying let me Hear my air conditioner it's just there right you know as soon as i as soon as i s you know kind of sit back in my mind in a sense kind of relax into it the sound is simply happening you know there is a happening that has a reformation of my eardrums vibrating and it's Creating what we what we call sound

[01:05:54] Jacob: At the same time the mind as you listen and things are just happening the mind is also just happening thoughts are just happening it is part of being a human it's part of having an experience each human on this planet has this happening but the problem is we over identify with we think we are the Thoughts we think that we are the Stream imagine if you're you know when you're listening to someone mow a lawn if you're sitting here right now and your neighbor is mowing their lawn you know you hear it you don't think i am the lawn mower mowing the lawn i am the neighbor mowing the you know oh that's a sound that's happening and then you have a reaction maybe if uh imagine a grumpy person leans his head out the window turn that **** off it's three o'clock in the morning whatever uh or someone who

[01:06:57] Jacob: Uh you know is very calm and they don't other you know the happenings of what other people are doing sound wise don't really affect them they may just neighbors mowing their lawn they're back to crocheting whatever it you know there's a reaction you know and what you need to do is train your reaction to of course your five senses to what you see to what you hear these are these are you know basic you know practices of emotional intelligence but really we try to think of thoughts in the mind as a sense in which You needn't intertwine that rhymed i think but you start treating just as everything in your visual environment you don't react to every single thing you choose what to react to what things are important to me in this very moment to meet my needs What things are very important for me to listen to as the mind produces thoughts and feelings and um And uh you know ideas you know these ideas just kind of uh percolate out of nowhere they kind of come up out of nowhere and

[01:08:19] Jacob: Though we don't get to choose you know how we certain we don't get to choose when we you know shut our mind off we don't shut our mind off or stop the flow of thoughts but we can choose to not You know it's almost like not listening to certain ones or something uh

[01:08:40] Jacob: It's yeah it is this lack of identification with thought i hate to just consistently restate the same thing but that really is what it is uh and you know this wasn't taught to us this is not something that like our parents and grandparents knew about the depression rates and the in the suicide rates anxiety rate the amount of people have anxiety the amount of prescription drugs that are um uh you know given out for all these certain all these things these days it's continually rising like listen man if you're listening to this **** or you have a family member listening to this **** or you're you know your mom is depressed so you're watching this trying to figure out like what's up with her um and try to like emphasize with her and try to understand her condition or something you know like seriously you're not alone i know you hear it that's a buzz thing you know you're not alone in your thoughts you know you have uh whatever it's it really is though We feel so these depressive uh

[01:09:43] Jacob: Overly nihilistic bummer thoughts really have this stickiness to him that is like dude i am a freak i am a like evil gross demon like Man like if everyone's secrets and internal life and thoughts were laid out truth you know and that was our truth rather than our you know fictitious k-fade civilization uh um we you know i think that we would all have such a laugh we would all just laugh ourselves to death if we if we truly saw and Understood into each other's minds you know we walk as if it's so put together out here but it's just madness in inside and We can't even admit it you know we can't even um we can't even This is like the ego protects us from even really like course correcting because it's so far off Um okay so i think i want to try to round out but i think i want to hit anxiety just specifically and i really want to offer this goodness for how to handle anxiety attacks and how to

[01:11:11] Jacob: Reduce anxiety um like what i really want to because i'd still deal with depression i still have um you know out of the diagnosis i feel like i believe the um the bipolar depression it really is some days i open my eyes and it's like oh **** dude yikes like this is this is uh This is one of those days i think you know like strap up let's roll like let's you know we got work to do today is gonna be a lot of work in my mind to keep it between the lines um so i still have those and i'm working on it i'm consistently trying all these new like supplements and um reading these new books and you know a lot of meditation a lot of yoga a lot of breath work whatever but anxiety is something that i really don't experience that much anymore i really i mean certainly compared i used to have a anxiety attacks panic attacks

[01:12:20] Jacob: Everybody kind of has their own version of the east eastern this is another thing that we feel like don't **** tell anybody i just had that like because it's completely embarrassing it's com it's a complete like fragmentation of all of what we are in our image and our logic and our sense-making is just completely out the damn window when it comes to panic attacks and we think that our body is uh like we think you know i mean people check themselves into the er consistently because they're having a panic attack and i think it's a heart attack i mean this is like a very common thing i know tons of people who had this exact experience and i would have conversations with them and they come back and you know they believe the doctor of course they're not going to believe my crazy ass but they believe the damn doctor with his lab coat he's like yeah you had a panic attack and i didn't know and uh let me i hope i don't make anyone feel bad for having a panic attack and going to the doctor it really is just this thing that's like pretty intense it really is like a you know it could be a big deal panic attack anxiety attack um it's kind of your inability to deal with what's happening you know a lot of anxiety uh is born from

[01:13:35] Jacob: Not being thinking we are unable to Handle not having our preference so let me restate that not getting your preference Creates anxiety and your presumption that you cannot handle Not having your preference And like consistently identifying with that creates this loop of anxiety So Like You have to bring in awareness and Logic and that wedge you have to bring that into the same thing that when you know if you're talking to a sad depressed friend who's drunk and he's just like hammering you know i'm an idiot you're like you're not an idiot buddy you're fine you're just drunk it's okay man we're fine You kind of have that same with it with anxiety though it's harder to grasp in those moments because anxiety has like a manic like radic uh Frantic feeling to it um but it is a Like okay what's really happening Right now you know you get present you use your five senses to get present and you realize that like there's no

[01:15:05] Jacob: There's no torpedo coming there's no lion coming because look at what's happening when you're having an anxiety attack why are you feeling like all these panicky feelings it's the smaller part of your brain the fear response is being turned on you know this uh like through evolution we have this reptilian part of our brain that gets turned on it gets activated and it starts prioritizing you know our conscious thought is Certain things happen in the brain in different areas and we have certain experiences and thoughts i'm not saying they're exactly correlated but they are coinciding

[01:15:47] Jacob: And we you know we have these for a reason we where we're you know we were running around with moon cloths and spears you know for like hundreds of thousands of years uh you know or yeah a long time you know we're what we are was built this thing that came after monkeys and we started like having communities and working together and like foraging for food we started farming we started saving food and storing food all these things that started to happen from monkeys you know think about how many freaking years we really were running around if you hear a rustling over there in the bushes you have to think that might be a lion so i need to have a quick i'm going to survive the best my species is going to continue to repopulate this earth evolution if i have a quick response with my spear ready to go is that a lion over there is that a tiger over there i just heard that rustling so you have this thing that activates we have all these chemicals that happen this brain stem this thing uh what is it what is it the amygdala

[01:17:02] Jacob: I think i **** up when i try to get overly sciencey i think i need to just uh remain in a philosophical uh Standpoint of explanation so we have a lion over here and we have a bodily response and then our experience you know our thoughts and everything is trying to solve it rapidly trying to find the patterns what's going on i'm in fear you know i'm anxious about this thing i'm afraid of this thing that's going to happen you know we now have the ability for that to happen to activate this thing that we have In our human body to respond to actual threats that was very helpful and is very good up until like a couple hundred years ago a hundred years ago i mean really iphone came out in 2007 Like not that long ago for what we are We had these fear responses we had these

[01:18:07] Jacob: Anxiety we had uh immediately get to a heightened state of awareness because you need to be able to attack this line that you just heard rustling in the bushes did you just see out of the corner of your eye like a little piece of tan is that a lion let's protect my family we got to survive you know this has been happening for a long time well The The modern world the modern culture has things that happened to us you know the system is kind of gamed at us a lot when it comes to you know social media and technology and in the internet uh

[01:18:48] Jacob: There's a lot of things that activate the same thing that would be activated when a lion is about to attack us that same thing is activated because it's fills someone's pockets because if i can get you to react you're going to stay on my site more if i can get you to react you're going to play this game more if i can get you to react you have it's more memorable you know just as i was talking about our visual acuity you know you're looking at this thing i'm looking at the camera i'm kind of ignoring these things around here my peripheral it's the same thing there is if this is just green over here this is just green nature this is this there's no line there's no threat there's no reason for me to pinpoint and look in and figure out what's going on there's just something i can okay it's safe our We're not going to pay it mind we're not going to divert our attention to that because it's not it's just enough it's okay it's safety we're fine we don't have to worry about that well

[01:19:48] Jacob: That same way of presenting content the same way of presenting people trying to sell us things are capitalistic like put this in front of you get a reaction because it makes it more memorable for you show these certain colors because through evolution we have different reactions to different colors because we only see them in such environments imagine if you had lived in the amazon and you never saw you know if you think about how insane a tiger would look like how much it would really stand out or like a white tiger or something i mean i don't know if they're in the sun uh like that would that would really stand out you know so uh there's a reason in which th there's an evolutionary reason why we would respond in these in these such ways but now our whole world this whole thing is activating that fear response in you as This thing that came after an ape or you know whatever your beliefs are i think i think uh i'm i think a lot of people you know would agree uh on evolution in some senses um

[01:21:01] Jacob: This part of your brain is being activated you're anxious because you think that there is a you're trying to perceive a threat you have anxiety because you think That this lion is about to pounce on your neck you know and you need to have anxiety to be ready for it so you can kill him with a spear and protect your fam so the world is kind of against us in this way you know especially again this modern if you're someone who's on you know if you're someone who watches the news this is being played against you very heavily um you're thinking about all these things that may happen you're afraid of this thing that is coming this person caused this thing to happen over here on this side of the world so it's definitely going to make this thing happen and lo and behold all the things that you've been so stressed out about have never **** happened you think about everything you've ever felt extreme anxiousness about did it happen

[01:22:05] Jacob: This is how this is this is how this works this is what goes on we forget this though like we don't notice we're so mad where our thoughts are just going so crazy that these happenings these happenings don't ever really happen but we spent a lot of time uh ruminating and right in fearing that they might happen fearing for the lion or the tiger to pounce we are uh trying to protect ourselves we're looking out for these threats we're trying to protect our family trying to protect our community trying to protect our loved ones even our like tribalistic groups we're trying to not only belong with them uh but we're trying to find the enemies it seems like a helpful thing right find the enemies figure out who they are so they don't trick us so they don't uh you know steal our baby or when they only you know take our food supply or you know there is the there's the you know primitive part of having a human body

[01:23:10] Jacob: You know and we have this consciousness projected into it or from it or whatever the hell is going on here it's something that we can't blame ourselves for not understanding you know it's something that you know this seems a lot of stuff seems like really obvious but there is something about it that is uh liberating to take some time and just okay that really is what's going on huh damn um just kind of sit with it again our mind we're constantly wrapped up in the click corals of the Neurological dance you know it's uh

[01:24:00] Jacob: It's okay so i got around the corner with this anxiety thing the breath is a huge part of anxiety the breath is a huge part bring awareness to this you have to start noticing where you're breathing when you're breathing how often you're breathing how fast you're breathing how slow you're breathing are you breathing through your nasals are you breathing through your mouth uh are you wearing a mask way too damn much i don't think anybody should be wearing any damn ass at this point but watch what the mask do to your breathing these masks i think are actually making us more anxious which raises cortisol

[01:24:45] Jacob: Levels which shuts down think about it when you're in fear when you think that a lion or a tiger is about to pounce do you think that your body is like now is the optimal time to grow your fingernails now's the best time to digest that bag of sour patch kids that you ate earlier no you shut down a lot of stuff inside your body because you're prioritizing the blood being sent to like your extremities you're prioritizing when you're stimulated like this with a fear response or even like essential response there's things that are shut down that are not working in the same way because your body is prioritizing all this energy to this said things because it has to be able to be reactive and protect itself because none of that chip matters if you're dead so the digestive system is not working when you're in a fear response the fingernails and toenails are not growing when you're in a fear response your cortisol levels are high you actually i would say your immune system is probably compromised your immune system is probably if we had to say what is a hundred percent working immune system it is working at tip-top shapes say someone who's like completely athletic and taking all the right vitamins they're eating all the right things and the breathing the right air whatever and their immune system is this that's 100 do you think your immune system is at your hundred percent when you're about to stab a

[01:26:12] Jacob: Tiger a bear a lion oh my with a spear no that's not what happens you are prioritizing the chemicals in your body are prioritizing certain things this is out of your control this is not what you're not beating your heart you're not breathing in the air to your lungs it's an unconscious background task we take credit for certain things but this is really just like a happening and we are there's an ego experiencing it so the The happenings of the body the The Um so what we need to so the breathing we need to when we're doing these things if you're scared you know listen where's your breath if you pretend you're scared right now go what does your body do your butt cheeks clench up your toes move your fingers move your shoulders come up your eyebrows like you have all this tension but also the breath escapes and it gets small in your chest Okay what is a very relaxed low heart Rate monk look like

[01:27:37] Jacob: He's so relaxed he's zen his voice is not even up here in his head it's down here and it's in his belly it's deeper the air it's not all over my head it's not my chest i'm relaxed right in the air i'm breathing through my diaphragm you want to you want to be

[01:27:57] Jacob: When you notice that your breath is up high when you notice that your breath is short i mean notice that your breath when you notice you're holding your breath all these things that are very obvious don't overthink this like if you're not breathing slow there is numbers that you can look up but if you're not breathing slow out and slow in you are in a state of some sort of heightened awareness and it's unnecessary for most of our states of being nowadays um we have like all this **** this all this like it's you're in the middle of times square in new york and there's just this color and it's like look at this and it's just respond to this and it's this guy is the enemy and **** these people are trying to kill you and it's all this stuff the stimuli whatever of the modern world is keeping us small breath shoulders tensed up the response of everything that we're doing uh you know our mind is like seeing it as real experiencing it as real and so it's making our bodily functions react in a certain way so what you have to do is you have to bring this awareness and keep talking about this uh

[01:29:08] Jacob: This you have to bring this realizing that your breath is not where it needs to be and you have to bring it down into the diaphragm you need to be breathing primarily in and out of your nose and you need to be breathing out super Slow you'll be breathing in super slow again it's going to feel weird it's going to feel unnatural it's going to be hard to concentrate on that even but i'm sure that people if you have anxiety i'm sure people have told you about breath working for i'm sure breathing techniques uh have you tried this whatever this is again it's great there is a break glass in case of emergency um side of anxiety attacks and breathing Techniques and like okay i need to

[01:29:52] Jacob: You know i need to wim hof to get this way you know there is this there is a response when you need it but generally when you're alive existing right now as you're watching this video as you're going to work as you're getting in the shower as you're getting out of the shower as you're wiping off your mouth after you just brushed your teeth as you're texting as you're scrolling through social media as you're laying in bed before bed as you're laying in bed in the morning which you shouldn't do what is your breath look like where is where is the center of your breath where's the tension at in your body this is also something that's really accompanied with breath you need to be breathing through your diaphragm which is you know your belly low belly you can really if someone said take the deepest breath that you've taken all day you can find a you know you could find it really deep in there's just been air stale sitting there man it's all just stale bum stinky air sitting there because you there's just chilling down there's all this you know co2 chilling down there and you got all this you're just breathing up here because of all this stimuli so the breath is one of the most important things you know yoga meditation this helps train the breath this helps train the you know not train the breath i don't think that's the best word uh yoga is union with the breath yoga's union with the body um

[01:31:15] Jacob: So the when you when you do yoga when you meditate it again it trains you what you do is what you're always doing like i said right you're training yourself in this way you bring alertness and awareness to the breath to breathing and tense What am i physically responding to that i'm mentally picturing and is that true in the present moment is that actually happening or is my creative wonderful brilliant brain filling in the blanks of what it thinks that it's that it should be doing is it trying to protect me thank you brain for trying to protect me but there's no lie and there's no there's no tiger we don't need protection right now okay so you notice it's happening you notice you're breathing this way you notice that you're tense and you go oh okay look There's no line And maybe you know give yourself 30 seconds of breath 20 give yourself Four in and four out like just real slow I mean that's definitely that's going to be less than a minute something like that you just

[01:32:28] Jacob: And feel where the breath is don't be caught up in like trying to get rid of the thoughts that are coming thoughts happen just like sound thoughts happen you don't stop them from happening meditation is not sitting down stopping your mind from having thoughts that doesn't happen unless you're at a certain stage of enlightenment you just observe that they're happening okay i'm still having that thought i don't need to get into the ring and wrestle with it i don't need to put on my boxing gloves and fight that thought and tell it that it's untrue whatever i can go oh okay that's just a thought

[01:33:02] Jacob: When you physically respond you mentally respond it seriously helps it's again it's another thing that feels fake you're having an anxiety attack you're having this **** that's happening you're stressed out you're yelling at people you're whatever it feels justified you're like don't why aren't you all doing this exact same thing no it's your chemicals and it's your responsibility to take care of it's not your fault but it's your responsibility you have to okay i understand that i'm not going to be my most helpful self to these people around me to myself by responding in such a way so how do i readjust all right let's be remember let's be gentle with ourself let's be okay well the mind's doing that thing and what's really going on here let's breathe my breathing in and again there is a break glass in case of emergency with a lot of this breathing stuff but breathing is something you're doing all the time breathing something you've already been doing it really is this magic up down left right x square

[01:34:04] Jacob: Triangle like cheat code to life that is right it's the most in front of us thing ever there's a lot you're probably hearing a lot about breath work and breathing techniques and stuff nowadays it's buzzfeed word and there's wim hof and all these things but the core bit is the breath uh is a direct correlation to our Physical state in our mental uh um projection or understanding of what we think is happening so we don't have to we need to be dealing with reality like if you are If you're watching a movie if you're watching fashion fast and the furious it's fun to have like oh my chemicals are moving all around i'm excited and i'm at the edge of my seat you know and you're and you're smiling and you're experiencing what they're experiencing on there but it's not actually a happening you're not actually about to be hit by you know a 69 dodge charger it's

[01:35:03] Jacob: Happening in the movie and you get to experience it but look at look at what your body does oh you gasp your mind thinks that it's actually happening you could do the same thing without watching a physical movie you could be thinking about what might be happening and your body is responding to it like you're in fast and furious what's the truth about fast and furious okay i'm scared or maybe i'm in a scary movie i'm reactive to this but you can leave the theater and It's not there what's the truth about it okay the truth is i'm in a dim hallway It's rather quiet uh that lady is sweeping and she was very polite when i talked to early so the actual reality of what the scary movie or the fast and the furious thing that was going on inside there it's just you have a bodily reaction you have your breath changes your thoughts about it change and sometimes these have Reminiscent uh you know trails of

[01:35:58] Jacob: What you're thinking you know if you're getting a heightened response sometimes it's not as easy as i mean most time it's not as easy as just oh yeah forget about it you know you're gonna have this you go to a scary movie the dark's a little more scary that night ain't it be aware of what you're consuming if you have this consistently Consistent you know fear of the dark in this analogy what scary movies are you watching you know if you have fear of bad other if you have fear of these bad guys if you if you think this thing is going to happen what are you consuming what's convincing you because why aren't all the people around you in the same state of fear because they're not consuming what you're consuming they're not reading what you're what you're reading they're not talking to the same people you're talking to so if you're at a point where your depression your anxiety these are things that humans experience uh if You're having these experience uh If you're having these experiences You are a human congratulations

[01:37:04] Jacob: It'd be like that sometimes um it's okay uh and believe me as someone who Has been through the ringer i have my certain lows i have had my immense i've had plenty of anxiety attacks i've had a lot of suicidal ideation i have depression i have all this **** i've been through a lot of it and it's been many years for me you're not alone I think it gets better because this is more that carried on a stick you're going to arrive I will say Knowledge is power And Who you are now or you think yourself to be now Must fall away For who you will become to happen Uh don't be afraid of Realizing that enough is enough don't be afraid of realizing that like damn it dude this depression thing i'm experiencing this sadness thing This let's not buy more black clothes let's not listen to the music louder let's not find that comfort and sadness

[01:38:46] Jacob: That's really there oh and i mean comfort there is a comfort in depression and it sucks and it's dirty and you don't want to get out of your bed but you have no idea what you're capable of in the future you have no idea you don't know the love that you get to experience perhaps in the future you don't know the joyous moments that you still have left how many more years do you have left you don't have to spend them sad you can start to understand like don't just someone help me a doctor help me counselor help me it's okay to do all those things and there's no shame in it we're all trying to figure this thing out we're all trying to learn our own paths

[01:39:38] Jacob: But walking down a path whatever speaks at you most of these things you know getting better it starts to snowball it feels fake it does feel fake it feels contrived it feels like lame it's you know there's a sadness and a letting go of your old self that has to start to take place there's a detachment from all these thoughts there's a scariness to all of it because this is all like what like turning internal has not been trained to do but you know we haven't we haven't been taught how to open doors from the inside um but i'm telling you knowledge listening to people talk about these things listening to people conversate about them there's so many podcasts there's so many youtube videos uh you know sitting there i don't know what to do i can't do anything damn it youtube go on youtube and just search the most basic thing

[01:40:39] Jacob: Watch what jumps at you scroll for a little bit maybe there's a hot girl on the fourth thumbnail and she's talking about depression for 12 minutes and oh cool maybe that's interesting start there what gets suggested after that you got to just start consuming better content don't consume content to numb the feeling that you're going through consume content that helps you deal with and understand and take by the horns and **** handle what's going on because you can handle it you absolutely can handle it we are capable of Incredible things as humans but we're We're made to feel small we're made to feel incapable or made to feel like we need someone to come save us and You know cut that leash cut the tether and you're going to flow fine you know you're going to be all right you can handle it the person you are right this second maybe he can't handle it but the person you are becoming every damn second after that he's more and more capable she's more and more capable

[01:41:45] Outro: There's a video about depression and anxiety i hope my ramblings help somebody uh i will continue to will continue to do the things that i do There it is i'm gonna go eat some chicken tacos peace out love yourselves y'all